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It needs to be said out-right that emotional risk-taking is a necessary element of dating. When you're dating, you have opportunities to let the other person get to know you better on a deeper level. This revealing of your vulnerabilities is just what your defense mechanisms (a.k.a. fears) are so fervently guarding - the parts of you that show imperfection and weakness. If we avoid exposing our vulnerabilities, we won't have to experience the other's judgment or rejection, and the subsequent pain. But we also miss out on the potential rewards of partnership: trust, intimacy, closeness.
Alternatively, when you choose to let go and share personal aspects of yourself with your dating partner, you give him/her the chance to be sensitive to your feelings and needs. It can even give your dating partner a chance to be protective of you when you feel most exposed.
Showing vulnerability for the purpose of becoming closer to another person doesn't mean you have to throw caution to the wind. You can take calculated, or planned, risks to manage your fears. And you can develop a deeper understanding about how vulnerability can be revealed at appropriate times.
I think it important to understand that there are four levels of communication that we engage in as we get to know a new person. You will see that as you proceed through each level, it becomes necessary to take more emotional risks. But as you do so, you are learning more about your dating partner by observing how s/he responds to you.
Level 1: Socializing or small talk: such as "how's the weather?" or "did you watch 'The Bachelor' last night?" These interactions help to pass the time, to begin establishing a rapport, and to connect on an emotionally safe basis.
Level 2: Shared interests and life stories. At this level we begin to talk about ourselves more personally. We disclose information about our families, where and how we grew up, etc. This involves a higher level of emotional risk as the sharing of personal experiences can lead to deepening feelings of trust and intimacy.
Level 3: Shared feelings. At this level we open up about the most intimate parts of ourselves: our emotional world. Again, the risk is even greater because of the increased vulnerability, and where one weighs the potential reward of greater intimacy versus the need to avoid hurt.
Level 4: Talking about each other and your relationship. This is the highest and most intimate level of communication. It carries the greatest emotional risk. This is where you ask: How do we feel about each other? Do we want to be together in the future? Where do we go from here?
If you are dating via the internet (such as on this website!), you are already communicating on the first two levels -- via email. In this way, you can obtain significant information about a dating prospect, which helps you to determine if you feel safe enough to move on to the next levels. Levels 3 and 4 would require that you move out of the safety of email, meet in person and reveal more of yourself.
The dating journey of Riva, a coaching client with whom I've worked over the past year, demonstrates how going through each level of communication with an objective third party, such as a mentor or a coach, can help to manage one's fears while dating. BTW - This is a success story because Riva just got engaged!
After spending years dating men who seemed to be what she was looking for, Riva felt both hope and fear when she met Robert five months ago. She was afraid of repeating a familiar pattern: getting too close-too soon, feeling too much emotional intimacy, so that when she realized he couldn't reciprocate, she would return to feeling hurt, demoralized and dejected.
When she prepared for her third date with Robert (since for Riva, a third date meant that he was a suitable candidate for the job of husband), we made a plan: she would share more of her life experiences (stay safely in Level 2), and start sharing about her feelings, hopes and life goals (venture into Level 3). This plan enabled Riva: to monitor how she was experiencing and reacting to Robert; to see if he would simultaneously share more of himself with her; and observe how Robert responded to her on this deeper, more vulnerable level.
Since it was often her experience to get too comfortable, and eventually feel stuck in a relationship, we focused on the challenges Riva faced to move the relationship forward. It was important that I reminded her that she was a whole and worthy person, capable of trusting her instincts to make the right decisions. With guidance, support and encouragement, she was eventually able to approach Robert with the topic of considering a future together (Level 4). He shared that he was thinking and feeling the same, and then they revealed their innermost feelings to each other. Shortly thereafter they began to plan their future.
As you can see, relationships involve many big decisions which are frequently difficult to make on your own. But with an objective third party, such as a mentor or a coach, you can learn to manage your fears as you reveal your vulnerabilities. The benefit is that you minimize the risks and maximize your chances of establishing a trusting and intimate relationship with the right person.
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