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Q. I began dating a man whose wife passed away 3 1/2 years ago. He has only dated one woman since his wife's death and just recently stated he was ready to really date. We met 2 months ago and then began an email correspondence, as this was more comfortable for him than talking on the phone. We eventually had 7 dates. The problem is that he will get close to me and then pull away. For example, he invited me to his home twice but then called and cancelled. Right now, he is quite distant. He has told me before that he needs time. I give him that but as soon as we go on a date it takes him forever to correspond with me. So I will initiate the next contact and he says he is grateful that I took the initiative. I'm confused -- how long do I wait and how do I bring up this
problem? He seems very interested in me and I know he needs his space but how do I support him if he doesn't talk with me? I don't know how to help him. Jeanne A. Jeanne -- John Gray talks about how men occasionally need to "go into their caves" in his "Women are From Venus and Men are From Mars" books. This behavior is different than that of women who prefer to talk with others about their needs and feelings. You're obviously confused about this man's intentions because he's giving you mixed signals - "come close, I like it when you initiate," and "go away, give me space, you're getting too close." I suggest that you have a conversation with this man, which you could conduct over email if you fear he'll freak out.
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Spell out for him how much you enjoy being with him and care for him and are willing to give him time and space. However, in order for you to feel that he has sincere interest in you, he has to step up to the plate and pursue you. Let him know that you are confused by his mixed signals, as
this is the effect of these behaviors on you. If you both share the goal of finding a life partner relationship, then let him know that you need to feel liked and appreciated. You can't glean it from his behavior so far, so he has to find his own ways to communicate that he shares your relationship goals. If he can't, then he hasn't finished grieving and mourning, and you can suggest he see a psychotherapist to help him. Or he can just go back into his cave.
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Posted by: Janice on Monday, March 28, 2005 - 05:00 AM
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