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Welcome to the Doctor Love Coach Message Boards!
I invite you to join me and and other members in discussions of just about anything related to dating and relationships.
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Sarah
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Post subject: Are we exclusive?
 Posted: Dec 02, 2005 - 02:12 AM
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Joined: Dec 02, 2005
Posts: 1
Status: Offline
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I met a guy online and after several dates, we agreed to date exclusively. As part of being exclusive, we agreed to "disconnect" from the dating websites that we belonged to (and where we met). I did this right away, but he didn't. When I asked him, he said that he couldn't figure out how to unsubscribe, that he had met several friends online that he still was communicating with, and that he just goes online regularly to "clean up his account," etc.
Question 1 - Is it unreasonable to ask someone in an exclusive dating relationship (EDR) to avoid online activities??
Question 2 - Is it cheating to maintain your online account, even if unused, while in an EDR??
Question 3 - If everything else is going fine in the relationship, should the fact that someone is not disconnecting (after discussing that maintaining an online account is similar to dating), be viewed as a "personality flaw" and be considered a deal breaker?? Or does time in the EDR and other personality flaws need to be considered before breaking the deal??
Thanks for your input. |
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Janice
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Post subject: Are we exclusive?
Posted: Dec 02, 2005 - 03:46 AM
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Site Admin
Joined: Mar 19, 2004
Posts: 228
Location: New York City
Status: Offline
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Hi Sarah, you ask such good questions! Becoming exclusive with a dating partner should be a joint decision. If 2 people agree to an exclusive dating relationship (EDR), then it really doesn't matter who asked whom. The way I see it, deciding to be exclusive is basically a "pre-commitment."
How the man you're dating handles being in an EDR will tell you a lot about how he handles commitment. So, according to your example, you both decided to "go offline," i.e., take your profiles off of the dating websites you were members of. You did it, he didn't. So, what does this tell you about him? That he's ready to be in any kind of committed relationship? I don't think so.
I know of dating websites that do, in truth, make it difficult for members to go offline. But when they make serious efforts to call tech support to get it done, they succeed. I also know of singles who, when deciding to end their memberships, tell everyone that they still want to stay in contact with how they can continue to communicate -- "here's my AIM screen name, cell phone number," etc. So I hear his "reasons" for not going offline actually as "excuses" not to be exclusive with you.
And to answer your Question #3 -- if everything else is going fine in the relationship, should this really be a deal-breaker? Well, if he says he's going to do something, and then he doesn't, and then makes excuses, would you still want to go out with him? What happens the next time he says he'll do something -- will you trust him? I guess that depends on how much you value trust in a relationship (I hope you said "a lot" because that's the right answer).
So, this guy is not being honest with you, he can't be trusted to follow through on what he says he's gonna do, and then tries to weasel out of it. Stay with him anyway? Your call. |
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Post subject: RE: Are we exclusive?
Posted: Dec 02, 2005 - 03:48 AM
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1. Absolutely Not!
2. I wouldn't call it cheating, but I would call it being unfair and dishonest if you both agreed to disable the accounts (what does "disconnect" mean in your "agreement"?).
3. I don't know about "personality flaw". If he agreed to it and he's violating the agreement, that should tell you something about the value he places on your relationship.
I will say one thing. I think "after several dates" is a little bit early to be pressed to be exclusive in a relationship ... if several is less than 10-20 or the relationship is less than a month or so old. This, of course, varies from relationship to relationship. It could be less or more time. But if you've only been out a few times, I personally think it's awful early to have that expectation. So perhaps he was just placating you when he agreed to it.
Now ... if you both agree that the time is right to be exclusive, I see nothing wrong with "disabling" (not necessarily removing) both of your accounts. And if you've both agreed to do that and he is violating that agreement, like I said ... that should say something to you about either his integrity, or about the value he places on the relationship.
Just my opinion.
Good luck.
L. |
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MikeLA
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Post subject: RE: Are we exclusive?
Posted: Dec 02, 2005 - 06:22 PM
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Joined: Jun 24, 2004
Posts: 3
Status: Offline
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Sarah's asking a simple question: Is the fact that he's not "disconnecting" from his dating website after entering an EDR mean she should dump him. If the EDR is a lead up to marriage, then I think his actions are similiar to hanging around single bars she should kick him to the curb. But if the EDR is a statement of "let's not date others while we're together", then I don't see his staying connected as a reason to end the EDR. It is however a sign. Sarah uses the term "personality flaw", which may be too strong. I think that his continued connection needs to be added to his other "signs" to determine if she should end the EDR and move on. If he's great and doesn't have other flaws, then give him time to understand her meaning of an EDR and her concerns over disconnecting. He may be saying, "I've worked really hard with my dating profile, and keeping it online doesn't mean I'm going to date others while I'm dating you." Is that a deal breaker?? That's for Sarah to decide.
Mike |
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h
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Post subject: RE: Are we exclusive?
Posted: Dec 03, 2005 - 09:08 AM
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Joined: Oct 03, 2004
Posts: 16
Status: Offline
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Here?s an old story:
Man: Will you have sex with me for a million dollars?
Woman: Yes,
Man: What about for ten dollars?
Woman: What do you think I am, a prostitute?
Man: We have already established that, we are just negotiating a price.
What this story tells us is that when faced with a situation, if we can distill it down to the basics, cut through the fluff, and look at the basic facts, the situation becomes very clear.
The basic situation here is that that the guy agreed to ?disconnect? and then decided not to follow through. All the reasons etc are just fluff and distractions. Can you trust such a guy? To me, trust is the most important thing in a relationship and being untrustworthy is a character flaw that is a veto item. I would give him the boot first and then not bother asking questions later. To me it is that clear cut. Your values and priorities may be different.
As for some of the other comments on this thread, Janice is right that sites often make it hard to disconnect. But since the poster was able to disconnect, it is clear that it is doable in that timeframe.
While I would disagree with L (seems to be happening a lot lately  ) on how long one ought to wait before entering into an EDR, it is a totally irrelevant issue here. Whether you decided to enter an EDR after the first date or the 100th one, it does not matter. He agreed to it and that is all that matters. If your request to enter an EDR and the terms on which it should happen were unreasonable, then he was free to say no. But agreeing to enter an EDR with you (and reap its benefits I assume) while not keeping up his end of the deal is a major issue and frankly the only thing that I am focusing on. |
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Post subject: RE: Are we exclusive?
Posted: Dec 03, 2005 - 02:55 PM
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H. ... actually ... put this way ... I agree with you. You are really "removing" the element of when it is reasonable to be exclusive and saying that we are really talking about something different ... about his character and trustworthiness ... since he did make a committment to her. You're absolutely right. However, replay the situation. If she pressured YOU to be exclusive at that point in the relationship (assuming she's the one who intiated the idea) ... and you liked her but you knew it was too early to be exclusive ... would you take the risk of saying no? What I'm saying is if she initiated it at this point in the relationship, that was a mistake. If he says no, he risks losing her; if he says yes, he knows he can still continue the relationship and still look. Yes it's wrong to be dishonest and I would never condone a lie in this situation. But think about the position that they put each other in too early in the relationship.
L. |
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Post subject: RE: Are we exclusive?
Posted: Jan 06, 2006 - 03:16 AM
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| It's a deal breaker. He said he'd go off the dating sites & that should have been done asap. He didn't....which translates into "he's still looking". His excuses stink. Sorry! That's the harsh reality to me. |
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gordman
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Post subject: RE: Are we exclusive?
Posted: Aug 14, 2007 - 12:34 PM
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Joined: Aug 14, 2007
Posts: 4
Status: Offline
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| I don't argue whit that, you said it just fine... |
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