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Welcome to the Doctor Love Coach Message Boards!
I invite you to join me and and other members in discussions of just about anything related to dating and relationships.
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Janice
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Post subject: Is he interested in me?
 Posted: Oct 28, 2005 - 09:43 PM
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Site Admin
Joined: Mar 19, 2004
Posts: 228
Location: New York City
Status: Offline
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I recently received this question from a woman: I met this guy. He's colleague of mine. Briefly, what happen was he loves my companionship, thats one thing that I'm pretty sure about. But I'm kinda unsure if he likes me more than just as a friend. He always says stuffs like 'Where have you been all this while?' and 'what am i gonna do without you?' and sometimes tries to make jokes by telling me "I love you" and stuff like that. I think he likes me but he also said that it's a bad idea to date a colleague.
So the situation here is that I sort of know that he likes me but something else is keeping him away. Sometimes it annoys me that he goes yoyo about this. What should I do? I do like him but not yet to be a boyfriend. I'm not looking forward to having any relationship with him but friendship for time being. What should i do? Should I give him a chance since I feel comfortable with him too or should I just ignore this and wait for what happens. At this moment I'm giving it up and just being a bit cold. |
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Post subject: RE: Is he interested in me?
Posted: Oct 29, 2005 - 02:46 PM
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I think this person needs to ask herself ... regardless of her uncertainty at this point ... "can I see myself with this person in a romantic relationship?" Does he possess the qualities that I value? Am I even slightly attracted to him, or do I think I could be? If the answer is yes or maybe, then it seems to me that a frank discussion is in order. If it needs to be initiated by the woman, so be it. Or she can just wait until the next time it comes up in conversation. The "frank discussion" is basically ... we seem to like each other ... why not take a chance. Plenty of people who work together end up dating and getting married. We just need to understand the risks and understand that if there is a breakup, it will be a little more unpleasant than most.
L. |
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h
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Post subject:
Posted: Oct 30, 2005 - 09:45 AM
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Joined: Oct 03, 2004
Posts: 16
Status: Offline
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This is a simple one: Do not date people you work with. Hmm... that did not come across right. Let me try again: DO NOT DATE PEOPLE YOU WORK WITH. That still did not come across right. Here we go again: DO NOT DATE PEOPLE YOU WORK WITH. I hope that make the point clear.
There are so many problems with that that I do not even know where to begin. The breakup is an obvious one, but the least of your worries. Both of you can be shown the door if this is against the written company policy -- remember the document you supposedly read before signing it the first day of work. Both of you can be shown the door if someone else complains that your relationship is creating a sexually charged atmosphere at work, A.K.A. sexual harassment. If a third party observes his comments and decides to take offense, he can be shown the door for sexual harassment -- no, you do not need to be offended, an uninvolved third party observing the consensual conduct can feel sexually harassed. Even if no one complains, the HR department may decide to show him the door just as a precaution before someone does complain.
The bottom line is that someone needs to sit this guy down and teach him the etiquettes of behaving the post 70's professional environment. It has been a looooong time since the 70's were over, it is time someone let him know. |
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Post subject:
Posted: Oct 30, 2005 - 05:25 PM
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H.,
I couldn't disagree with you more.
Eliminating people that you work with (for many) is half the people they every meet. Add to that the fact that you already have a lot in common. There couldn't possibly be better people to date than those you work with.
I work for one of the largest corporations in America. Yes ... there are guidelines that people who are dating seriously, engaged, or married shouldn't work under the same 2nd line organization. But that's it ... if it happens and people become aware of it, one person is moved to another part of the organization. No big deal. I can't even begin to tell you how many married couples I know who met at work. To blindly eliminate that source of meeting people I feel is a big big mistake.
Now ... I'm no saying that it isn't a good idea to be careful. One also must realize that if one gets involved with someone at work, both parties have to exercise discretion. You cannot walk through the halls holding hands or kissing. And in fact, it's probably not a good idea to even be seen "hanging out" together with any frequency.
L. |
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Post subject:
Posted: Oct 30, 2005 - 11:33 PM
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L,
We can agree to disagree, but I think the real problem is that we are looking at two different situations and I claim that mine is far more prevalent than yours.
You are very right that in very large companies like yours, dating at work is not only a reality, but discouraging it would be counterproductive and impractical. This is evidenced in a written and well understood policy on dating at work at your company. If two people do get involved, transferring one to a different department is a good solution and a very practical option for such a company.
However, most people in America work for much smaller companies. If there is only one 5 person accounting department and two accountants get involved, where are you going to transfer one of them? How bad would things get if one of the other people in the departments had the hearts for the person or had been previously involved?
A large company is also equipped to handle things if things do go sour. They typically have large HR departments with qualified and trained individuals to handle such situations and the resources to dedicate to a crisis. In smaller companies, it is usually the department managers that are handling the HR functions in addition to all their other tasks and have neither the aptitude nor the training to handle a situation that goes sour. If they dedicate a large portion of their time managing a personnel crisis, the ?real? work of the department suffers. In this situation, ?we are just not going to go there? is the best solution, both for the company and the individuals.
Bottom line: Your analysis is correct for those that work for large companies. However, I maintain that that is not true for smaller companies that employ a vast majority of Americans.
H |
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h
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Post subject:
Posted: Oct 30, 2005 - 11:36 PM
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Joined: Oct 03, 2004
Posts: 16
Status: Offline
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P.S. I did not mean to post the above anonymously. I did not notice that I had been logged out of the site.
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Janice
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Post subject: Is he interested in me?
Posted: Oct 31, 2005 - 08:51 PM
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Site Admin
Joined: Mar 19, 2004
Posts: 228
Location: New York City
Status: Offline
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I hesitated posting again on this topic since it appeared that L & h were doing a good job stating and defending the various positions inherent in the practice of dating someone with whom you work.
My position is simply to err on the side of caution. Of course, if a person signs an employment agreement with an explicit "no fraternization" policy, then dating a co-worker will clearly jeopardize their employment. Some companies informally "recommend" to employees that they not date other employees, but do not enforce it all that strongly, unless and until other employees complain.
But what should the woman who originally asked this question do? I think an approach that combines what both L. & h said -- first, be sure to check all of your employment agreement records to see what the rules are about fraternizing with your co-workers. Since it's true that many couples do meet through their jobs, then see if this man would be interested in meeting you for a drink outside of the office, alone, rather than enlisting him to work on a job project with you. You'll know if he's interested in you by how he responds. |
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EditorEsther
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Post subject: RE: Is he interested in me?
Posted: Nov 07, 2005 - 05:21 AM
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Joined: Dec 05, 2004
Posts: 13
Status: Offline
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Not to be the site cynic here, but it's my experience that when a guy behaves this way, it's because he feels you're "safe" to flirt with without having to act on his words and therefore encounter a potential rejection. He may feel you're friends and that he can joke around with you without any reprecussions, professional or personal.
And if you're in that Friend Zone and are interested...well, good luck to you, because once a guy sees you a certain way, you're pretty much stuck there. Unless you suddenly become a supermodel and grace the cover of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue...then he'll look at you differently. And often. |
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Post subject: RE: Is he interested in me?
Posted: Nov 07, 2005 - 09:31 PM
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You mentioned that he said dating a colleague is a bad idea. Take him at his word.
If he hasn't made a move to ask you out then he's not interested in more than friendship with you. In my experience if a guy really likes a woman and wants to date her he'll make his interest known.
If you're not sure about dating him anyway then keep it strictly a friendship, but make new ones. And try not to let his wishy washy behavior affect you.
SMR |
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Post subject: RE: Is he interested in me?
Posted: Nov 07, 2005 - 11:11 PM
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| In reply to the first post - dont be so sure he is into you in that way. People flirt for too many reasons to list othar than being romatically interested. Every guy Ive ever known who had a romatic interest in a work colleague would take it to the next step, typically the ambiguous "lets get lunch/drinks" where he can feel you out a bit more..If he didnt take it there, then dont worry about it, he may not be interested like that.. |
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Post subject: Is He Interested in Me
Posted: Nov 08, 2005 - 03:08 PM
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| There is the Fellow who we go to the same chiropractor, he walks in the room and there will another female patient and he will come over touch me ask me how I am doing, he always touch me when he sees me, he will speak to the other female he will not touch her or ask her how she is doing. He always look me straight in the eyes when he talks to me. I love his personality. He always touches me on my shoulder or back and he will keep his hands there for a while to. |
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Post subject: RE: Is He Interested in Me
Posted: Nov 08, 2005 - 07:33 PM
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| EditorEsther wrote -
Quote:
"Not to be the site cynic here, but it's my experience that when a guy behaves this way, it's because he feels you're "safe" to flirt with without having to act on his words and therefore encounter a potential rejection. He may feel you're friends and that he can joke around with you without any reprecussions, professional or personal. And if you're in that Friend Zone and are interested...well, good luck to you, because once a guy sees you a certain way, you're pretty much stuck there."
I disagree. What you described isnt the Friend Zone. What you described is a guy who is totally interested/attracted, but doesnt want to risk rejection or deal with the possible intimacy, so he is allowed to express his feelings without getting hurt (by innocently flirting). Uh, if thats the case, and you are mutually interested, you gotta let him know - but do it in a way that wont scare him off..
The Friend Zone is where the guy has no interest. He doesnt act NOT because he is scared of rejection, because taher because he just isnt interested. He may flirt to try to win your attraction and feed his insecure ego, but not cause he is interested. |
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Post subject: RE: Is He Interested in Me
Posted: Nov 09, 2005 - 01:27 AM
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I completely agree with the last poster. EditorEsther has I believe made statements like this before here. She seeks to generalize every romantic situation to the point where she seems to feel that every man has to fit into the same mold ... and also seems to "require" that men be aggressive and always be willing to take risks in every situation. Well, men aren't all like that. And there are plenty of successful couples out there who got together by the woman being flirtateous (to demonstrate interest to the man and therefore make him more comfortable with making that move) or with the woman acting more friendly towards him than to others (for the same reason) or even in a few cases where the woman actually either asked the man out or directly expressed interest to him. And it doesn't say anything about the man's prowess, sexuality, manliness, ability to provide security/support, etc. You don't really know what the man is thinking, what the reasons for his actions are, or what he's really like on the inside as a lover and mate ... and to make the assumption that you do is foolish. Could he turn out to be a wimp and completely unsuitable for you? Sure. But you can't possibly know that up front. But he could also be
- seeing someone else and not sure whether he wants to date you
- unsure of whether he's interested in you (which could change if you show interest)
- been recently hurt and is hesitant to get involved again
and a whole host of other possibilities.
I think some people watch too much television.
L. |
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Janice
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Post subject: Is he interested?
Posted: Nov 11, 2005 - 02:05 PM
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Site Admin
Joined: Mar 19, 2004
Posts: 228
Location: New York City
Status: Offline
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I think that L. makes a good point about how women can show their interest in a guy by acting in a friendly or even flirtatious way. It's nice to have his perspective here, indicating that men are capable of being responsive to a woman's overtures. However, EditorEsther also makes a good point by saying that if a man sees a woman in the "Friend Zone" (a very descriptive term btw  ), he will not pick up on any of these moves or signs, nor will he act on them. His radar is just not pointed in that direction, no matter how obvious a woman is communicating her interest.
This is why I advocate using verbal approaches. While I admit that it can take the romance and mystery out of things, I think that if a woman wants to know if a guy is interested in her, and he's apparently not responding to her non-verbal cues and clues, that she ask him directly if he would be interested in going out for coffee after a work-out, for example, or a charity event. Asking "do you want to hang out some time?" might only really express an interest in friendship, especially in certain age groups.
Also, asking the guy up front -- "are you married?" "do you have a girlfriend?" "are you seeing someone exclusively?" -- also communicates an interest. However, women have complained that men will say that they are not seeing anyone, go out for coffee after the gym, and even arrange seeing a movie together, which makes them think that the guy is interested in a relationship outside of the "friend zone." But they're not. So guys -- you have to send clear signals to a woman you're interested in also! |
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Post subject: RE: Is he interested?
Posted: Nov 14, 2005 - 10:31 PM
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| This Fellow at the Doctor's office Dad passed away last week, so when I heard about it I brought him a card and he told me about the funeral, how his Mom was doing how he cried the whole week and when he was in the shower, I told him to take care of hisself and if he was eating, and if he needed anything to ask me, he gave me a hug abd thank me. told me to have a good day. Today Monday when I saw him at the Doctor he was kind of quiet but he thanked me for the card. Is he still interested in me? |
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