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Janice encouraged me ask the *difficult* questions to determine if we were on the same page with regard to our life goals & desire for commitment.....Janice continues to help me navigate the ever-increasing number of decisions that must be made about our future.
-- Allison, age 37[Click here to read more]
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Welcome to the Doctor Love Coach Message Boards!
I invite you to join me and and other members in discussions of just about anything related to dating and relationships.
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Tuvia
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Post subject: Love: Make it your Business...Some Comments
 Posted: Jan 16, 2005 - 06:16 AM
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Joined: Jul 25, 2004
Posts: 5
Location: Silver Spring, MD
Status: Offline
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Love: Make it Your Business. You hit a "bull's eye" with that one. So many women I've met on dates exhibit this...their lives are so out of balance, and they've grown so accustomed to that, when the right person comes along, they can't even recognize it. What's even more amazing are the women I meet that are not finding their work all that fulfilling, but still cannot make the change. And, having spoken to women dealing with men on the dating scene, the story is the same...so guys, you're not exempt!
I'm reminded of a cute joke I've heard that is very relevant:
In a small town situated near a river, torrential rains result in the
river overflowing its banks, and the town rapidly becomes inundated
with water. The water continues to rise, flooding homes. The sheriff
of the town sends out his deputies in Hummers to rescue people before
they drown in their homes. One of the deputies comes to a home and
through a bull horn, announces the occupants to leave their home and
come to the vehicle to be brought to dry land. Soon after, the deputy
hears a man yell back from a first floor window..."Leave me be, G-d
will save me!" The waters continued to rise, and the deputy himself
needed to move on to other homes to save other people.
About an hour later, the waters were much higher...so high in fact,
that the man is now on the second floor of his home. Now the deputies
are resorting to boats to navigate through town to rescue people.
Again, the same scene plays out...the deputy, from his boat, implores
the man to get in the boat, but the man yells back from a second story
window, "Leave me be, G-d will save me!"
The waters keep rising...soon the man finds himself on the roof of his
home to stay out of the raging waters. A helicopter soon flies
overhead and drops a basket to the man for him to climb in before the
water climbs over his head and drowns him. Yet again, the man yells
back, now barely able to keep his head above water, "Leave me be, G-d
will save me!" The pilot abandons the man to rescue other stranded
individuals.
In a few short minutes, the water finally climbs over the man's head,
and exhausted, he finally sinks under the water and, sadly, drowns.
His soul ascends to Heaven, and he finds himself in the presence of G-d. The man is obviously upset. He pleads with G-d, begging him, "For all I has done to serve You, you didn't save me! Why!?" And G-d replies, "I did try to save you! I sent you a Humvee, a boat and a helicopter...!"
I can picture all these unmarried souls one day, ascending to face
G-d with a similar lament..."I prayed, I said Psalms, I
did everything to follow Your Law, yet you never delivered my soulmate!
Why?!" And G-d replies, "Well when you were twenty one, I sent
you Moshe, at 24, I sent you David, at 30 I sent you Chaim, at 35 I
sent you Tuvia (I had to sneak that one in!)..at 38..."
These are people that for what ever reason either reject the message
or fail to pick up the cues when G-d delivers...why, I can never
quite fathom...maybe they think He will deliver through some magical
means. Yet we learn that G-d always delivers to us through natural
means...it's up to us to act on what He presents.
Here's another relevant piece. Read Jean Paul Sartre's play, "No Exit" ("Huis Clos") . It could change a life or two...maybe one of the women who rejected me will read this, have an epiphany, and change her mind...o.k., reality check!
http://www.nyu.edu/classes/keefer/hell/sart.html
It's a quick read, but Sartre really gives a terrific metaphor for
existentialist philosophy, and is, in my not-so-humble opinion, most
appropos for the current dating scene.
The bottom line: We choose our fate...G-d does not, nor do the people around us. You're miserable because you can't find your soulmate...guess what folks...your choice to be unmarried was a choice that YOU made, nobody else. Stop complaining and "suck it up" or make a change in your life. Believe me, there are no shortages of people out there that you can build a happy and satisfying relationship and family with. Unlike Sartre's Hell, where the door opens only once, G-d is opening it for you repeatedly...step out there and take a real chance to end your loneliness! |
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ck
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Post subject: RE: Love: Make it your Business...Some Comments
Posted: Jan 18, 2005 - 12:50 AM
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Joined: Aug 13, 2004
Posts: 8
Status: Offline
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| Right idea Tuvia. Wrong direction. Didja ever think to ask these same questions about yourself? Like what can you do to make better use of the opportunities God has sent your way? Maybe be a little less critical (their lives are so out of balance, and they've grown so accustomed to that, when the right person comes along, they can't even recognize it) a little more, how shall I put it? Chill? Its easy to point fingers. Now tachliss. What can you do to improve your situation? |
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Tuvia
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Post subject: RE: Love: Make it your Business...Some Comments
Posted: Jan 19, 2005 - 01:27 AM
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Joined: Jul 25, 2004
Posts: 5
Location: Silver Spring, MD
Status: Offline
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I completely disagree with the last post.
I get correspondence from women complimenting my profile but I have some major restrictions: I cannot leave the area where I currently live and work without abandonng my kids and my career, I cannot easily travel outside the country, I cannot marry a foreign national or a person that has close relatives that are citizens of a foreign country, I cannot marry somebody with dual citizenship...these all stem from the national security work I do, and I'm not giving that up. Freedon isn't free, and sacrifices must be made to keep what Hashem has blessed us with. The women I meet seem to think NY is the promised land and moving to the greater Washington DC are is equivilent to exile to the Siberian steppes.
Another issue: my son, who's 14-1/2, lives with me...many women are not willing to take that on...they see him as competition. That's not an untirely unreasonable postion to take...he will compete for my time. I chose to take custody of him...he's my son, I helped bring him into the world, and I'm going to finish the job raising him.
Now, if you think I'm the one who fears commitment, think again. I was engaged about a year and a half ago, but we ended the engagement amicably and I still talk to her and give her advice.
I don't know if you read the play "No Exit" that I gave the link to...if you did, this will make perfect sense: when the door to Sartre's room in Hell opened, nobody left...if I were there (G-d forbid), I would have been the first one out. I was an Air Force officer, and decision-making and risk was an integral part of my responsibility...that is how I live all of my life.
This is how I view it: I am EXTREMELY happy with my life... I have kids I love, I have a great career, earn a very good income, live in a great community with many friends and people who turn to me for advice and help, I'm healthy (I am a workout fanatic and I am very careful with my diet), I'm a gourmet cook, I do charity work, I learn, and I'm a risk-taker...I've learned a lot from both my successes and my failures, which btw, I'm not afraid of. I am always working on improving myself...professionally, intellectually, spiritually, and socially. G-d has given me far more that I deserve, and I that him daily for His blessings. and I don't waste time...TV is almost entirely absent from my life...I couldn't even tell you who played Sunday football...what a waste of time!
My restrictions stem from things I cannot control: religious restrictions, professional restrictions, parental responsibilty restrictions. So it means that the woman I meet has to accept these realities...I have everything I want out of life and then some...it would be great to share what I have with somebody else, but hey...I have what they don't have: children, happiness, and everything that goes with that. I have those pleasures because I took a chance: I got married. Unfortunately, it ended in divorce 18 years later..I learned from that, and I moved on. They need to realize life is not risk-free...if you want something bad enough, you will take a chance...I did...and instead of looking at the end of my marriage as a failure, I looked at the positive that the marriage did bring me, I learned from the failures, and grew...I turned lemons into lemonade. They need to do the same.
The bottom line: if these women and men want to get married, they need to suck it up and take a chance, or stop pretending they're looking and face the fact that the unhappiness they feel is their responsibility. G-d presents them with opportunities...they have a choice...accept the offer and the associated risks, or not. If they choose the latter, they need to stop playing these games with themselves and the people around them and accept the and consequences from the choices they made. |
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LarryE
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Post subject:
Posted: Jan 29, 2005 - 02:14 AM
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Joined: Jun 29, 2004
Posts: 1
Status: Offline
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You really struck a nerve with me on this one.
You are welcomed to your opinion and to your beliefs. I admire it if you have faith. But blind faith is another matter. I agree with a lot of what you say, we have some degree of control over our lives. Sometimes we don't take advantage of opportunities. But other times, we do and we fail ... or there aren't sufficient opportunities.
When you say that we chose our fate and God does not choose it for us, that is a copout. It is religious dogmatism at its best. God has control over everthing. I have heard it said at a wedding by a Rabbi that "God brought ___ here from Israel to be together with ____". It's really funny ... when something good happens, everyone praises God for making it happen. But when something bad happens ... or nothing good happens ... all of a sudden it becomes the human's fault. You cannot have it both ways.
As far as I'm concerned, God (if he is the all-being, all-knowing master of everything that he is supposed to be ... if he is indeed God which places him on a much higher level than any human) has the ability to help make anything happen. Granted, we cannot sit in the house and expect love to come knocking at our doors ... we must participate and try to take advantage of the opportunities out there. But please ... let's not create our own definitions of what God's capabilities are just for convenience. There are a lot of things and events that go unexplained in this world ... things that just have to go unexplained if one wishes to believe in God ... because there is no way to explain or rationalize them. |
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Tuvia
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Post subject:
Posted: Mar 27, 2005 - 08:43 PM
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Joined: Jul 25, 2004
Posts: 5
Location: Silver Spring, MD
Status: Offline
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Larry,
With all due respect, your answer is illogical. How does the concept of excercising free will become religious dogmatism? Ceding all outcomes in life to the idea that "it was G-d's will" smacks of religious dogmatism. That is exactly what you appear to posit with your argument.
I am an Orthodox Jew. I believe that G-d gave us the Torah as the code of conduct for our lives. I pray to Him three times a day. I also believe that G-d imbued humans with free will...the ability to make choices. Whether G-d knows what our choice will be in the future is immaterial. His knowledge does not mean He chooses to control our actions. What I believe He does contol are the options in life we are presented...in our learning, our work, where we might live, in our families and who we choose as a mate.
When something good happens to people, i.e., they get married, it is my contention that G-d arranged the introduction. The parties involved had to use the free will He blessed them with to decide to commit to each other through marriage. G-d presented the oppotunity; they made the choice. That's certainly a reason why marriage consists of three parties, the man, the woman, and G-d. All three contributed to the outcome. If the one or both decide not to do it, that is their choice, not G-d's. He may already know the outcome, but His "knowing" that outcome is independent of the choice the parties made.
I also find your statement "When you say that we chose our fate and God does not choose it for us, that is a copout" bizzare. How is choosing our fate a copeout? When we make choices, only we can be held responsible for the outcome. When we cede our free will to G-d, saying our inability to find the "right person" (whatever that means) by claiming I have no control over my choices, is really arguing that I am not responsible for undesirable outcomes and my personal misery being alone is not my fault, rather, it's G-d's fault. THAT is the copout.
I have made personal choices in my life that I hold only myself responsible for: my desire to have my son in my custody, my career which limits who I can marry and where I can travel, and where I choose to live (which happens to be tightly coupled to my first two choices). My status as a Kohen, which prohibits me from marrying a divorcee, a convert, or a Jewish woman that has had sexual relations with a non-Jewish man, are limits placed on my by both Torah and rabbinic decree. Yet even those restrictions I take on with my own free will...I can ignore them, I can likely get my status as a Kohen annulled, but again, I choose not to. I make these choices with full recognition of the consequences they bring, namely, they profoundly limit my ability to remarry. Only I am responsible for those choices, but for me, the price for giving up the gift of the kehuna, or raising my son, or helping to defend our land so we can live in freedom is too high a price. I would rather be single than give those things up. Those are choices I made...Hashem gave me the opportunities to pick or not pick them...I chose to do so, I'm proud of my choices, and I am at peace with the consequences.
What troubles me are the people whose choices lack the gravitas that mine present: for women, the issue of the kehuna is irrelevant, all the ones I have met are not contributing to the defense of our country, and they are not raising any children...their fear is based on a change in their material well-being (i.e., their rent-controlled apartments, their freedom to go out and socialize on a whim, their careers), their fear of commitment (entirely irrational). Those are choices, some of which are narcisstic, some based on mild neuroses, but they are choices notheless. Blaming G-d for their loneliness is the real copout. He keeps on presenting them with people they can live happy lives with and build families; they choose to reject what He repeatedly offers.
I don't mean to be flip, but you'll have to try again. I am not trying to put boundaries on G-d's infinite ability. Look, if He wanted to, He could have created a bunch of automatons with a purely determinstic response set to stimuli. He chose not to. He ceded the ability to make choices to us, in the same way He "contracted" (tsimtsum) to make room for the physical universe.
So my position still remains intact...I am open to other attempts to shoot holes in my argument, but, frankly, I think it will be a hard sell. |
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