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Welcome to the Doctor Love Coach Message Boards!
I invite you to join me and and other members in discussions of just about anything related to dating and relationships.
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Janice
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Post subject: Is he interested in me?
 Posted: Nov 15, 2005 - 01:22 AM
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Site Admin
Joined: Mar 19, 2004
Posts: 276
Location: New York City
Status: Offline
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To the last "Guest" who posted about a man she met at her doctor's office. At first I wondered if he was actually your doctor. If he was, then you would have had to wait until you were no longer his patient to pursue a romantic relationship.
Now it appears as though it is someone who works at your doctor's office. . . and his father just passed away. So, it's possible that he gave you a hug in response to your condolences, which is appropriate and nice. However, people who are grieving and mourning over the fresh loss of a parent do not make be the best candidates to date. It would be difficult to tell if he's actually interested in you; he may just be responding to your nice card and concern, and that's it for the present time
I say, be friendly and supportive for another month or two. He's going through a lot. Then see if he's still as attentive to you then as he had been in the past. |
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Post subject: RE: Is he interested?
Posted: Nov 17, 2005 - 05:37 PM
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In response to Janice - even if you are in the Friend Zone, guys still pick up on the signals. We just ignore them. Healthy guys will make sure you know that we are not interested. (e.g. we will talk about other women we like) Its the guys who know the woman is interested, but dont let them know that they are not mutually interested, who you should stay away from. They are generally insecure and love the attention.
As to Guest, dont assume the guy was ever interested.. |
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Post subject: RE: Is he interested?
Posted: Nov 17, 2005 - 10:02 PM
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As a guy, must disagree with the last poster. He (like an earlier poster) conveniently tries to place all guys into the same mold and behavior patterns. That's not the way the world is ... and many of us stuggle every day because we make assumptions that all people will react in a predictive manner ... it boils down to generalizations and bias.
You can't assume anything or take anything for granted. You may be sending signals to a guy ... he may pick up on them ... he may not. He may be interested, he may not be. If he's interested and he does pick up on the signals, he may be too shy to respond aggressively right away. It may take him a few days/weeks of "signals" or he may never respond or pick up on them. Does any of this mean you should jump to the conclusion that he's insecure? No way. I have seen (unusual) situations where "signals" have been passed between a gal and a guy off and on ... iterally for months ... and for one reason or another ... the guy didn't respond at first and they ended up as a couple.
Bottom line is don't try to categorize all people into one mold or one behavior pattern. Trust me, there are perfectly secure, confident guys out there who are just a little shy up front (and gals also, by the way) and sometimes all they need is a little encouragement.
L. |
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Post subject: Is he interested in me
Posted: Nov 22, 2005 - 04:42 PM
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| To Janice I am not interested in my Doctor. It a patient who comes in when I do and all of a sudden he would walked in the room and touch me and ask me how I am doing, it could be other woman in the room also, he would just speak to them. The he would just touch my shoulder when he sees me or my back, he just has to touch me. He would look me straight in the eyes when we would talk about family or a general conversation. The he Dad passed away two weeks so so I brought him a card and he talk to me a long time the last week with his Dad and he told me about the funeral, I ask how his Mom was doing. So the next day he thank me for the card, but he has been quiet and Iam sure he is still grieving. So I ask him yesterday how was him Mom and he said he picked her up over the weekend and brought herup here for Thanksgiving for a week. I should have ask him how he was doing but I will ask him that tomorrow when I see him. Now I am lost on if he is still interested in me or what. |
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Janice
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Post subject: Is he interested in me?
Posted: Nov 22, 2005 - 05:16 PM
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Site Admin
Joined: Mar 19, 2004
Posts: 276
Location: New York City
Status: Offline
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From what I can tell Linda, you see this guy frequently enough. You are friendly with him and he is responsive to your attempts at conversation. He touches you, which can mean a lot of things. However, he hasn't initiated any conversations with you, nor has he asked anyone you work with, or who knows you, if you're single.
Touching another person while speaking varies from culture to culture, person to person. I don't get that it means anything close to being "interested" in you. Because if he was, he'd have attempted to pursue you by now.
Now that his mother is in town, that might make it more difficult for him to ask you out, given also that his father just died. I think that he's interested in you as nothing more than just someone he knows who is friendly to him. Maybe others will disagree, but if a guy is interested, he'll pursue it, especially since you've been very friendly and warm towards him, suggesting that you'd be responsive to his pursuits. |
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EditorEsther
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Post subject: RE: Is he interested?
Posted: Nov 28, 2005 - 07:21 PM
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Joined: Dec 05, 2004
Posts: 13
Status: Offline
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About my last post, L said:
<i>She seeks to generalize every romantic situation to the point where she seems to feel that every man has to fit into the same mold ... and also seems to "require" that men be aggressive and always be willing to take risks in every situation. Well, men aren't all like that. </i>
Firstly, generally speaking, I hate generalizations. That only sounds like a joke. I am always the first one to recognize that each situation and individual is different. True, not "all men" are anything. But it's been <b>my experience</b> (hey, look at that, those words again) that the men I've encountered who flirt in this way mean absolutely nothing by it, no matter how intimate their gestures, expressions and verbal repartee happens to be. And it's not that I wait for men to make the first verbal overture, because waiting gets me nowhere. The men I've met and been interested in have lacked the assertiveness necessary to ask someone out (not just me, anyone). So I don't wait, and get slammed EVERY time. So what's a girl to learn? There's only so many times I'm going to lay my palm flat on a burner before I singe myself beyond recognition. Does that make me a rabid generalizer, or a cautious person who's looking after herself? (And now that I've uttered a rhetorical question, I know that there will be others who think they have the answer.) |
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Post subject: RE: Is he interested?
Posted: Nov 29, 2005 - 03:29 AM
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Hi Esther.
Well ... I'm very sorry to hear that your advances or attempts haven't met up with positive responses from men. I understand why you would want to be cautious. But let me ask you something. What is inherently different about a man ... that he is "immune" to the same "singing" from laying THEIR palms on the burner? Don't you think that I've been rejected more times that I could have counted if I wanted to? And frankly, I am not at all saying that women should always be the one to ask men out. All I am saying is that there ARE times when SOME men just need that extra showing of interest or flirtation to get them over the hump to make the move. It works both ways you know ... men (in spite of the fact that you seem to think that they should be immune to fear of rejection) suffer from some of the same fears. I've seen examples ... and in fact ... experienced it myself where having that subtle flirtation or "showing of interest" helped me make that move. And the need for it says nothing about how the man will "perform" in a relationship. It merely says that the man has the same need to avoid rejection that women do. Also, there is something to be said for flirtateousness being a turnon ... and "provoking" a relationship where one might not have developed without it.
I wish you good fortune and good luck in your search.
L. |
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h
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Post subject:
Posted: Nov 30, 2005 - 12:22 AM
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Joined: Oct 03, 2004
Posts: 16
Status: Offline
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Esther did not generalize about all men, she generalized about all the men that she has met/known/experienced. It is a very very small subset of all men (unless she gets around a lot more than she is leading us to believe  ) and leads to the question: Why is she choosing those men?
I know this is an extreme example, but I think it gets a point across. A few days ago I went for a haircut to a new hairdresser. She is about 25, really attractive, well spoken, extremely good at what she does and considering her rates and how busy she is, most probably in the top couple of percent of earners in her profession. She also has 3 kids from 3 different men that she was never married to. Has restraining orders against all three men, none of whom has ever paid a cent in child support. She is living with a boyfriend who is unemployed and physically abusive. I tried to encourage her to get out of the current situation and her position was that what is the point, all men are like that and all it would do is that she will find herself with another guy who will be abusing her while she is looking over her shoulder for four men instead of three.
In this woman?s experience, all men are physically abusive. That is all she has known and the four most significant men in her life (I am guessing that these are the most significant ones) are like that. Thank we can all agree on two points: There are physically abusive men out there and not all men are like that; not even most men are like that. Yet, has this woman managed to find 4 of them! Why? How? Could it be that at a subconscious level this is what she is seeking? If you find yourself in the same undesirable situation time after time, you need to examine yourself, your sources of attraction (conscious and subconscious) your choices and why you are making those choices, rather than pointing the fingers at others. |
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Post subject:
Posted: Nov 30, 2005 - 12:46 AM
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H. You make a good point here. This can be a pervasive issue for many singles ... seeking out the very candidates that end up hurting us or who are not suitable for us. But ... on the other hand ... there are instances where generalizations are appropriate. I'm not sure which is the case for Esther. But men ... especially in the NYC area ... can also be very superficial ... can be very aloof ... and can be very fussy also. On top of that, many men are really really bad at picking up signals of interest from women. There are lots of good reasons why Esther may have met the reaction that she has ... and it may or may not be anything she's doing ... although your theory does (as I said above) have some merit in certain situations.
L. |
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Janice
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Post subject: Is he interested in me?
Posted: Dec 05, 2005 - 11:31 PM
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Site Admin
Joined: Mar 19, 2004
Posts: 276
Location: New York City
Status: Offline
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I keep getting these questions -- I have been dating this guy for a month. He currently just got out of a long-term relationship and want to take things slow. I understand that so I agreed.We go out a lot but he barely call me, and I always have to call him. What's going on here? Sadie
And this one too --
I met a guy through a friend and have been dating for about 6 wks now. A week ago I ended up in the hospital with minor surgery and he was not there. Prior to going to the hospital I was at his house. He went to work and I went home. From there I went to the hospital. He went home after work and called the next morning. By then I was home from the hospital.
I feel he should have been at the hospital with me. He works one full time job as a Fire Fighter two 24hr days a week and 8 hours other days Mon-Fri. That particular morning he went to his 8 hour job late. I am worried that he will not be there to support me since he didn't come to the hospital. Is that a sign?
This happened on 11/25 and I have not seen him since. But we do talk on the phone almost every day. The conversation is really good, but I am not sure about him really being there for me. He is single with no children and his own place. I have two children, single, with my own place. What do you think about my situation? Is he the one for me? Is he not into me that much? Are things moving to quickly? I am confused about our relationship. It seems as though he likes me a lot, but will not drop a hat for me. Do you know what I mean? Kelly
In both of your questions, I don't see these guys as being interested in you more than what is easy for them. But I'd like to hear what others think. |
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