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CIP51
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Post subject: Do I Want A Divorce?
 Posted: Aug 06, 2008 - 04:41 PM
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Joined: Aug 06, 2008
Posts: 1
Status: Offline
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Hello Dr. Janice,
I am a 24 year old woman who has been married for five years, with my husband for six. We have three beautiful children, all under the age of six. And I almost entirely believe that they are the only things good that have come out of our relationship.
I have spent the last six years being the glue that keeps everything together. Standing by him, believing in him, trusting him. Only to have myself hurt over and over and over again. He has never cheated on me or hurt me and my kids physically. He is a wonderful father. But he is very self centerd, most times selfish, and has done other things that have always left me feeling used, useless, and completely hurt.
After each occurrance, he would tell me he would change and never hurt me again. Then, of course, he would find a new or old way to hurt me. Yet I kept giving him second chances because I didn't want to give up on him. Deep down, I believed he could be the man I'd always hoped he'd be. But this last hurt that he has dealt me was literally the straw that broke the camel's back.
He was recently incarcerated for several months for a minor crime, but one that has caused his family to pay as well as himself. For what he did, how he did it, and even why, I cannot forgive him. It wasn't anything serious along the lines of harming a person or anything of that sort. But minor or not, it was enough to completely destroy what little faith I had left in him.
For the last seven months, since this all started and since he came home from his incarceration, I have been angry beyond my own understanding. I can't seem to get rid of the anger, or the immense hurt that seems to be plaguing me. I can't trust him, not anything he says or does anymore. And it's killing me.
If I'd been of more senses, I would have walked away by now. But again I stuck around to see if I could keep things together. To be strong for everyone else but me. But I have grown so unhappy that I can barely stand it, and as of yesterday I asked my husband for a separation. He has gone to stay with his parents.
Which brings me to my question: Do I want a divorce? Part of me is screaming yes. The other part of me is worried for my children, worried for him. He isn't a bad man, despite appearances. But I just have come to truly believe he will never be able to make me happy. He has been steadily changing, trying to improve our relationship and be the man he should have been from the very beginning. But I can't help but think it's too little too late.
In my own stupidity, I gave him one year to try and regain my trust. But to be honest, I don't know if I can ever trust him again. I can't be with someone I can't trust. But do I just throw out six years of fighting for our marriage, despite the fact I was the only one fighting up till now? Which also makes me feel horrible. I spent all this time struggling for us, and now I don't want to struggle anymore. I don't want to sacrifice for him, and I have nothing left to give him. He's taken it all already. I can't describe how awful that makes me feel about myself.
I also don't want to hurt him. I care for him a great deal, and I don't want to lose him entirely. When I asked him for the separation, he agreed that no matter what the outcome we would remain friends for our sake as well as our kids. But since then, every time I have spoken to him, he has been a wreck. It actually upset me at one point, and I had to tell him to be strong because I refused to the be only strong one in the relationship anymore. If there even is going to be an anymore.
I guess my biggest problem is that I am not even sure I am IN LOVE with him. How can I be after all that he's done? I know I love him, and a part of me always will. I'm just not in love with him. All I really know for sure is I want to be happy. I deserve to be happy, and it took me a very long time to learn that. I just really don't know what I should do.
Sorry this is so long. I really appreciate you taking the time. Thank you. |
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Janice
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Post subject:
Posted: Aug 08, 2008 - 12:37 AM
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Site Admin
Joined: Mar 19, 2004
Posts: 228
Location: New York City
Status: Offline
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This is really not my area of expertise, as I work primarily with singles to help with their pre-commitment relationship decisions. But I will respond to a couple of the points that I note in your post.
The fact that you have been willing to be forgiving is admirable. However, I don't hear how your husband appreciates this offer. His behavior has not indicated that he is willing to change, but this may not even be his fault. It may be that he is incapable of changing. People can often expect someone to change a certain behavior or attribute, and then get disappointed and frustrated when the other person doesn't come through. But it requires that a person is capable of making the changes that are being asked of him/her, because if they aren't, then you only set yourself up for disappointment and frustration.
I wouldn't recommend matyrdom for anyone, but that's what I hear it would require of you if you were to decide to stay in this relationship. By martyrdom, I mean making extreme sacrifices of your relationship needs. I didn't hear anything in your post about what he's done to make you happy. Of course, he did father your children, but that often isn't enough of a reason to stay together. Mostly, however, I don't hear how the two of you are life partners. This means that you share the same values and goals. The fact that he was incarcerated makes me wonder if you share the same value of being law-abiding citizens. If not, then this is a huge difference to have to navigate in a relationship.
The best way for you to make a decision is to see a professional psychotherapist. This person can see either you alone or together with your husband. If you're having trouble deciding if you should go together, then don't wait -- go by yourself first. It is essential that you get the guidance and feedback of an objective third party to make such an important decision. If you need a referral, send me an email with your state and zip code and I'll see what I can do. Good luck! |
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Excalibur
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Post subject:
Posted: Aug 12, 2008 - 03:20 PM
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Joined: Aug 12, 2008
Posts: 1
Status: Offline
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I think it's more about when you were a kid - you didn't envision yourself being a mother of 3 kids at 24, with a husband who sounds like he's immature, insecure, unmoviated to succeed conventionally......and causes you social and financial upset.
I don't think this is how you envisioned your life to turn out.......but in life inexperience, you didn't evaluate character, abilities, qualities, and priorities of the person you linked yourself to - before saying I do, making babies, etc.
For your life to become what you expect of YOURSELF to become....you're going to have to have more self-accountability and self-requirement. There is no "us" to work on, ever. There is no "me" in "we".
You've simply stayed in a situation hoping against hope that it would become what you envisioned in your vaguely fuzzy adolescent dreams. It likely won't.
That said - if you end the marriage, prepare to find yourself in the other reality you didn't think would be your life - the single mother of 3 children at 24, likely in financial hardship, and spending the next 20 years raising your children, holding a job, paying your bills - while taking time to find what passionately interests and expands you as an individual - beyond motherhood, being someone's daughter or wife or girlfriend.
While it's not an easy road either way - it's got more real potential to become what you want.......by you becoming self-accountable and self-responsible - rather than relying on him to become waht you need, and so you'll be who'where you want to be in life. |
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