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Welcome to the Doctor Love Coach Message Boards!
I invite you to join me and and other members in discussions of just about anything related to dating and relationships.
This is a place for everyone to share, so please respect each other and enjoy!
Check out the FAQ for help getting started, or jump right in to the discussions below!
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donnachick
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Post subject: still 3000 miles away!
 Posted: May 14, 2008 - 07:29 AM
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Joined: Mar 24, 2008
Posts: 4
Status: Offline
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| OK so since I last posted alot has changed...me and my boyfriend almost broke up because when I visited him we just couldnt get into our relationship with all of the stress that was clouding my mind about moving there. After I left cali my boyfriend was freaked out because he saw how upset it was making me to think about movin across the country to be with him that he said maybe i shoudlnt come. He didnt even know if we shoudl stay together because if i dont go then theres no solution to our long distance. NOw he jsut signed a lease on an apartment for another year and so hes definately staying in cali for at least anotehr year. He went there only to pursue a career and now he says he wants to give up on that career because its not enough to support him and he wants to go into law school. He still wont come home though. Even though he said if what he went to california to do didnt work out that he would definately come home, now he cant stand the thought of coming back to NY because he hates gray skies. Im just really confused on where this could go now because i love him to death and realyl want this to work but he wouldnt come home for me. He may ask me to move out there again if all goes well when I see him but for some reason i cant let go of the fact that he would jsut stay there because its sunnier more often. I just dont know what to think anymore. |
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Janice
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Post subject:
Posted: May 18, 2008 - 03:55 AM
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Site Admin
Joined: Mar 19, 2004
Posts: 228
Location: New York City
Status: Offline
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I see this post as a continuation of this one. In it, I suggested, and you agreed, that your best strategy was to put your relationship before your career goals. At the time, your boyfriend was 3000 miles away because he was pursuing his own career goals, and even though his initial career interest changed, he is technically still out there because that's not only where he wants to work (and/or go to school), but also because it has the kind of climate that he wants to live in.
Of the two -- geography and you -- only you are the adaptable one. Geography can't change, but a person can. By going there "with all of the stress that was clouding my mind about moving there," you didn't give your relationship a chance to adapt. That was your bad. In my earlier response to you, I had suggested that you have a frank conversation with him about your fears and to ask him to help you. It doesn't sound like you did that. Instead, you arrived bitter and angry, and unwilling to be flexible. So it's no wonder that he has doubts.
It may not be the way you like it, but it's how it all turned out -- he's there, you're here, and as much as he may love you, he's continuing to put his career goals first, and now his geographical preference second. Coming in at third, is his relationship with you. But it doesn't have to be like that. If you want to be together, it's clear now that you'll have to eventually move there. If you decide to do so, then you have to do so willingly and lovingly, without complaining. It may be difficult, but if you can get over your anger and resentment, your relationship would actually have a chance. If not, are you prepared to say to people, "Our relationship didn't last because he refused to move back east for me"? 'Cuz if so, that would not cast you in a flattering light. |
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donnachick
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Post subject:
Posted: May 18, 2008 - 03:03 PM
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Joined: Mar 24, 2008
Posts: 4
Status: Offline
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| Ok and I understand that completely. I am the adaptable one compared to geography. But what about what I want with my life...I want to raise my children near their grandparents, aunts uncles ect. Isnt that not adaptable but he is??? And which one in the end would be more important to our happiness.... the sunny climate, or being with your loved ones for holidays?, birthdays ect? All Im saying is that I love him so much that id go really far him if it came down to it...but what about the things that I want, and him showing me the same efforts ? |
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Janice
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Post subject:
Posted: May 19, 2008 - 04:47 PM
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Site Admin
Joined: Mar 19, 2004
Posts: 228
Location: New York City
Status: Offline
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The questions you ask about having children who you want to easily be able to see their grandparents are ones that are discussed after you've resolved the current status of your relationship.
That means you still have to decide what you're going to do NOW. Raising those questions under the guise of you not getting your needs met is a way to avoid what you have to decide in the present. No one can guarantee where they're going to live in 5 or 10 years from now, even though they can say they have a preference. He's in California now, so that's the place where you need to start making your decisions.
Good luck! |
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