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Welcome to the Doctor Love Coach Message Boards!
I invite you to join me and and other members in discussions of just about anything related to dating and relationships.
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Gunsmith
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Post subject: New Here. Here's My Saga and Current Situation.
 Posted: Apr 02, 2008 - 09:42 PM
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Joined: Apr 02, 2008
Posts: 1
Status: Offline
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Hello,
I'm a 30 year old male who lives in a small Indiana town. As are many small towns, this one is dying. Factory after factory is shutting down.
I owned my own business. After I saw the trend begin, I began dumping all profits into savings, closed my business, took a job at a convenience store, and returned to college. Eventually the convenience store shut down as well, and I began living off my savings and using grants and scholarships for school. I was engaged up until about the time the convenience store shut down. Then I found out what she was really after.
Fast forward two years. During the breakup of my engagement, I quit smoking and stopped drinking caffeine. In the process, I gained around 80 pounds.
Also right before the breakup, my dad was diagnosed with cancer. I was at my parents' a lot helping out after his surgery (he's now cancer free.) After the breakup, I was asked to move home as the recovery would take a year and my parents own a large, rural home.
So here's the deal now: I'm a single white male, 30 years old, who has no income besides savings and grants/scholarships, and who lives with his parents. I cannot find a job because all the factory workers who have been laid off or fired are taking the ones a student would usually take, and they don't have classes to work around, so employers are more willing to hire them.
Rewind 10 years: I was out on my own when I was 20, 220 miles away from home, in college for law enforcement, and running my own security consulting and guard business at the age of 21, when I was able to get bonded. It's not like I've been slacking, or a loser, or anything. Additionally, I taught armed and unarmed self-defense and was in prime shape.
Back to present: I'm working to lose this weight and achieving it. I'm pulling all A's and B's in college on dual majors. I'm still smoke- and caffeine-free, and do no drugs.
Here are where my problems lie: I've noticed on sites like Myspace and others, it asks for "body type." I really have no idea. Yes, I'm overweight and feel it. However, I'm also very athletic, very muscular. I'm both "more to love" and "athletic" when it comes to body type. I've not been able to find a job, as I mentioned, and finances are tight. I have maybe $20 per week after gas and other expenditures. Above all, I'm a 30 year old who lives with his parents. The reasons really don't matter.
I've never had trouble attracting women, and with a couple exceptions, they've always been above average in intellect, physique, and in the sack. I don't know what it is; I still have a bit of the risk taker in me and I think that, combined with confidence and character, I am attractive. I simply don't know.
I've been without a woman for around 6 months now, and it's starting to wear on me. My confidence has gone down each time I've been rejected for a job, and I'm sure it shows and contributes. As well, being a 30 year old who lives with his parents and has no real income, I'd feel ridiculous asking anyone out.
Here's where I'm really confused:
I'm the president for the student union at the university I attend. My vice president is a feisty little redhead, 20 years old. I picked her not for her looks, but for her confidence and eagerness to get the job done, and she's thus far not disappointed me.
We don't see each other often. She's busy, and I better be with two degrees hanging over my head. She works full time at the job she had before she started college, and is pulling a full time curriculum.
When we do get to see each other, it's great. I have no idea if I'm reading too much into these actions:
If she has a problem, I listen. She hugs me for it.
If we sit side by side, she makes sure to sit close to me, so that we're touching - even if the bench is clear of all other people.
When we talk, we look each other in the eyes... then we both get lost.
She has my phone number, and sends very strong friendship messages or suggestive jokes over the text system.
Heck, I even went to class with her once, to participate in dissecting an animal since she was squeamish about it.
She has a boyfriend. He's a prick, and has been for as long as I've known him, which is far longer than she's been up here. This is not just my opinion. Of course, I don't know for sure how he treats her, but he hints strongly at being a player.
I was surprised to find out she had a boyfriend. I asked once, and she said she did, but she went to great pains to assure me that he is not even on her list of priorities.
I have no idea what to make of that.
Since finding that out, I've restrained myself though.
For example, when she does the thing with sitting close to me, I resist the urge to put my arm around her.
When we're outside the school talking and she's cold, I resist the urge to warm her.
When it's obvious I could get away with a kiss, I restrain myself.
There is a deep attraction there, something I've never felt. It's not just sexual. In fact, it's a bit scary, and I don't scare easily at all.
Part of the reason I've not acted is that yes, she has a boyfriend. I don't know what, if anything, she was telling me when she said he's not a priority to her. The fact, however, remains. Maybe she's sticking with him for the security of having a boyfriend; I don't know.
Another part of the reason is that I am not sure I'm not misinterpreting signals. I can't see her making a decision to be close to me in that way knowing that I don't have a job and live with my parents.
But then the questions come...
When she was torn up and needed to talk... where was her boyfriend?
When she began talking about wanting to learn to defend herself... where was her boyfriend?
When she needed to borrow $5 for gas... where was her boyfriend?
Why do I get the feeling that she's been analyzing me... and found something she likes? I mean, seriously... Women talk about how they feel like they're being undressed by some guy's eyes. I feel like I've been getting observed in my mannerisms, how I take charge if need be, how I listen, etc.
And to be fair, she intrigues the hell out of me. She says what she means, doesn't go back on her word, is funny, spunky, and very attractive. She's very smart as well, and I can actually hold a conversation with her.
In the back of my mind, I realize she just turned 20, and boyfriends come and go. I'm wondering if the current one will "do for now." Sometimes I forget she's young because she acts so much older than she is, but she's really at that age where she's trying men on for size, so to speak.
Then I get to thinking about my living arrangements and lack of disposable income - which I believe she knows about, if she's not forgotten.
I really don't know what to make of her, or this, or what the heck's going on. I was told by a friend's girlfriend that if she just wanted to thank me for listening, or this one time five bucks for gas, or whatnot, she would have just said the words instead of hugging me with these strong hugs that she does. And, she wouldn't sit so close, etc.
I came to the conclusion a while back that it's hard, if not impossible, for a man and women to be "just friends" unless it's a sister-in-law or a buddy's girlfriend or wife.
I just don't know. I'm sure I've rambled here, but I think I got the points across and don't think I've left anything out. I need help, and as much of that as I can get!
Anyone? |
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Janice
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Post subject:
Posted: Apr 28, 2008 - 05:36 AM
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Site Admin
Joined: Mar 19, 2004
Posts: 228
Location: New York City
Status: Offline
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The fact that you are going to school and attempting to attain two degrees in order to change your life situation is what really impresses me about you. As you realize, it takes a tremendous amount of focus to fulfill all of your school requirements, and a relationship with someone who is giving you mixed signals will only get you off track.
While I'm not exactly sure what you were writing to ask, my sense is that you aren't sure about how marketable you are to women, yet here is a woman who coincidentially is in your life. You can take advantage of her youth, her interest in you and her lack of total commitment to her "boyfriend," but know that being involved with her is actually by "default" -- you didn't identify her as someone you want to be in a relationship with and then pursue her.
You seem to understand how your current living situation, and your uncertainty about how to describe youself physically affects your marketability. I suggest that you instead continue to focus now on getting through school, entering the career field that you want and settling into a comfortable lifestyle. And as you improve your lifestyle, you will become more attractive to the kind of women you want to attract and date.
If you're interested in recreational dating, then go for it, but know that it's fraught with instant gratification and instant rejection. But if you're interested in dating to find a life partner relationship, be sure that you know yourself, know where you're heading in life, and be well on your way beforehand.
And good luck! |
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