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Welcome to the Doctor Love Coach Message Boards!
I invite you to join me and and other members in discussions of just about anything related to dating and relationships.
This is a place for everyone to share, so please respect each other and enjoy!
Check out the FAQ for help getting started, or jump right in to the discussions below!
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Chello
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Post subject: Can Chemistry Develop?
 Posted: Mar 30, 2008 - 10:32 PM
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Joined: May 22, 2006
Posts: 3
Status: Offline
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Hello,
I've been dating a guy for about 4 weeks. He's smart, he "gets me" (understands me), he's attentive and considerate. I can see him making a wonderful husband and father down the road. He's attractive. However, I don't feel much chemistry. I'm attracted to him at times, but then I'm not, and mostly I find myself trying to figure out why I'm not more attracted to him. I fear we don't have that elusive chemistry thing. If I picture a life with him, though parts of it would be wonderful, I also imagine myself restless and unfulfilled because of the lack of chemistry.
I've done Dr. Janice's "one minute soul mate" quiz with this man in mind, and predictably scored fairly high on most things except for the chemistry. My question is, can chemistry develop over time? If so, how much time should I allow to see if it develops? And when should I call it quits?
My concern is with letting a relationship progress when I have so many doubts, and when I think he does not have as many doubts as I do (I sense he would like to move ahead a bit more quickly than me--I've insisted we take things slowly--though he does understand my desire to take it slowly and feels it's a good idea).
I'd be so grateful for any insight about this!
Thanks! |
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Chello
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Post subject: RE: Can Chemistry Develop?
Posted: Apr 19, 2008 - 04:52 PM
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Joined: May 22, 2006
Posts: 3
Status: Offline
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Hello again,
I am still struggling with this issue and I would be so grateful for some insights about this from folks.
I'd also like to hear from Dr. Janice? I really value her insights. I read the posts Dr. Janice wrote about chemistry, but they don't seem to address the thing i'm wondering about which is if chemistry can develop over a period of time, and how long one should wait to see if that develops.
So again, if anyone has any thoughts on this, I'd really love to hear them!
Thanks! |
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Janice
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Post subject:
Posted: Apr 28, 2008 - 06:00 AM
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Site Admin
Joined: Mar 19, 2004
Posts: 228
Location: New York City
Status: Offline
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| I addressed the topic of "missing" chemistry in my article What is *Settling for Less?* In the article, I presented two dating scenarios where couples had to determine if what they thought was missing in their relationship would cause them to "settle for less." The feelings you describe are similar to "Anna's" in the article, and I'll quote from the pertinent parts.
Quote:
Anna has gone out with Michael for two months, having met him on an online dating website. She experienced him as nice and attentive, and came away from each date with the confirmation that he was a decent and honest man, with whom she shared similar spiritual and life goals. While she was able to visualize being married to him, she did not feel any excitement about him, or excitement about having a future with him. Anna wondered if it was reasonable to have a marriage that did not have much passion if Michael was, in fact, a nice and kind man. But she wasn't sure if her doubts about him were reason enough to break up either.
In the article, I described how I saw Anna's situation as one where she was not in touch with her needs, which was a major reason why she was confused. I said that if a person (like Anna) believes that she should marry a man solely because he's kind, honest and decent, and is willing to forego physical or sexual attraction, then this reflects a lack of self-esteem on her part. Alternately, if she believed she deserved passion and excitement in a relationship, then she would continue searching.
I can't tell you why you are not attracted to this man, even though I hear how much you want to be. You ask if I think spending more time together might help chemistry develop, and I would say that that's a good strategy. I can tell you that if you find love between the two of you growing, then chemistry can sometimes go along for the ride. That's because the more you spend time learning about someone and come to appreciate and respect their inner qualities, beauty and character, they can become more attractive. But there's no guarantee.
Think about all that I said and see where it leads you. Be open to feeling more than thinking. And good luck! |
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