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donnachick
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Post subject: 3000 miles away
 Posted: Mar 24, 2008 - 06:45 PM
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Joined: Mar 24, 2008
Posts: 4
Status: Offline
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| I have been with my boyfriend for about two years now. I am 22 and he is 26, and we have the most beautiful relationship that I could ask for. He is everything I have ever wanted and yet we are faced with a problem. We are both from NY , I am about to finish school and he has been trying to pursue a career in music. Because my boyfriend went to school in California he made alot of connections out there and after moving back to NY realized that there is nothing here for him anymore. For the first half of our relationship he was struggling to find work that made him happy because all he wants is a spot in the music industry and no one would give him a chance. His friends from california wanted to start a band together as DJ's and after about 6 months of debating back and forth he finally decided he had to give it a try. Not wanting to leave me or his family, he still felt that he owed it to himself to find out if he could really achieve his dream job. He moved there in sept. 2007 and we have been doing long distance for 7 months now. He is completly faithfull to me and we have managed somehow amazingly to keep our relationship healthy and strong. But lately things have gotten to be alot harder. My boyfriend always mentioned that he was going to pursue this career in california and that once he was big enough he would bring it home and do it from NY or that if it didnt work out he would move back to NY. But now things for him are going pretty well and he has no intention of moving back home. He loves California he loves what hes doing, although it is still the life of a starving artist and he is not yet financially stable. Now I will be graduating in 2 months and he wants me to give California a try and move in with him as a trial to see if I like it. I am a dancer and at first things seemed impossible for me to do because dance is huge in NYC . I did a lot of research and I learned that dance also exists in LA but it just might be a little harder to find. Also I am really close with my family and when they found out about my thoughts on moving they told me it was a huge mistake and that they will not support me if i decided to go. I truthfully would love to move out there for a temporary amount of time because I have lived on Long Island my entire life and it seems really exciting and like a good experience but my boyfriend says he cant make any promises that he will definately move back to NY at some point in his life. SO this means that if I move there and make these sacrafices for him and his career, that when it comes time that I want to move back he might not be able to return the favor. He says he is too unsure of where is career is going and he just cant answer that question right now. I am afraid that I am not important enough to him for him to be with me and compromise some things that he might want like I would do for him. I cannot imagine a life away from my family, but even more I cannot imagine my life with out him. Is it wrong for me to move there when I dont know where his life is going yet and what he could give me in return? Or is his love and devotion to me enough to take a risk and I should trust that things will find their way and we can both be where we need to be in order to achieve happiness together as a couple and seperately in our careers? The distance is starting to really hurt both of us and our relationship because I am starting to worry too much about what to do and I am in bad moods all the time. I am afraid that if I wait too long to move that this situation willl get the best of the beautiful relationship we could have had. I feel as though jobs are replacable and people are not. Id rather have a lifetime of love but I am afraid to make this move on a wim. |
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Janice
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Post subject:
Posted: Mar 28, 2008 - 02:23 AM
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Site Admin
Joined: Mar 19, 2004
Posts: 228
Location: New York City
Status: Offline
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The reason why you are experiencing this conflict is because you have pitted three important goals up against each other -- your boyfriend's career goal, your own career goal, and your relationship goal. You initially understood that it was important for your boyfriend to move to L.A. to make progress toward establishing the kind of career he wants, and you were generously supportive and encouraging. However, I hear that your support and encouragement has run out, as you now seem to see his career pursuits in direct opposition to your ideas about what your relationship should look like.
First of all, you have to realize that you can't have everything -- your career in New York, his career in Los Angeles and a geographically desirable relationship. It's true that you already made a "sacrifice" by supporting his move to L.A. Would you have preferred that he failed and returned to N.Y. with his tail between his legs? I hope not. But because he's feeling like he's on the precipice of success and can't leave right now, he needs your support now more than ever. To feel that you are pressuring him to call it quits may actually damage the positive feelings and goodwill you have in your relationship. The fact that he invited you out there is a sign that he is loyal and trustworthy (excellent qualities in a man, btw!).
Secondly, I suggest that you view your career goals as secondary to your relationship goals. This may sound like sacrilige in today's world, but I meet so many women over 30 who made career goals their priority while in their 20's that it prevented them from developing healthy relationship skills. If you really love your boyfriend, then I say -- don't let this happen to you! You can always pursue a career within the context of a happy and gratifying relationship, as opposed to attempting to fit a relationship into your career constraints. This is not asking him "to return the favor." It's letting him know that you are going to continue with the original plan of supporting and encouraging his career pursuits, stabilize the relationship, and then work on your own career next. Within a stable relationship, it will be a no-brainer for him to "return the favor" and help and support your career pursuits when you both agree that the time is right.
Thirdly, and most importantly, I suggest that you have this conversation with your boyfriend. Tell him that you want to continue to support his career success and see it as vital to your relationship success. Tell him your fears about leaving your home and family. Ask him to help you. Listen to what he says. By helping each other, you have a better chance of succeeding on all three fronts. You just have to be sure that you are both in it with full hearts. Good luck! |
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donnachick
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Post subject:
Posted: Mar 28, 2008 - 02:42 AM
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Joined: Mar 24, 2008
Posts: 4
Status: Offline
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| That makes me feel alot better. Usually everyone tells me that I shouldnt ever put my relationship first because its not the "right" thing to do and even though I disagreed I started believing them. Now I feel better about the idea of just modifying what I love to do and keeping the relationship in my life. |
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