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I participated in Janice' s *Beyond Chemistry* series in Spring 2004 ... [ and] became engaged in September, 2004! Thanks Janice!
-- Becky[Click here to read more]
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Welcome to the Doctor Love Coach Message Boards!
I invite you to join me and and other members in discussions of just about anything related to dating and relationships.
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bee
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Post subject: he says he can't date me right now and doesn't know why
 Posted: Dec 10, 2007 - 04:01 AM
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Joined: Dec 10, 2007
Posts: 3
Status: Offline
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To whom it may concern:
First off, I apologize because I do realize that you probably get thousands of posts like this, but I am really clueless and hopeless in this department.
I've been in a relationship with a guy for almost three years. Prior to being with him, I knew him for at least two years toward the end of high school and shot him down each time he asked me out. So when I finally decided to give him a shot, I fell for him pretty hard unfortunately. He ended the relationship about a month ago stating that he had to figure things out; that he was screwed up and confused about some things, and that I needed a lot of his time and he was unable to give it. He also said he felt like he was missing something. On top of all that he stated he didn't love me "right now" or if he could ever be in love with me again. I was completely destroyed for a while and I didn't know what I did wrong. At first I thought this was complete bull and the whole reason of the breakup was completely on me, but after finding out that he stated the same reason (more or less) of our breakup to mutual friends that he doesn't know about through his personal myspace page, I guess I have reason to believe him. He seems to be enjoying the single life though. He's even telling his friends to enjoy it, which makes it look like I was a controlling b***h of a girlfriend. And I am really upset that he thinks of me that way. He's away in college and I know it's partially the reason why he felt pressured to break things off with me; he has too much on his plate, his parents expect a lot from him (they have him on a short leash), and I just wanted his time. So the only thing that he could control was walking out of a relationship. It just kills me that he told me the day he kicked me to the curb was that he didn't love me anymore. Okay, I did ask for his time, but that was the ONLY thing I asked for. I never gave myself to him but I was a doormat to him in other ways. After researching my problem and all the possibilities that could have accounted for the breakup, I can admit that I gave too much because I was insecure. I was in love with him and all I asked for was to feel loved and needed in return. And maybe do fun things once in a while... like get out of his house more often. And it was too much for him apparently. Our hangouts would sometimes consist of him just playing video games for a while and I was perfectly okay with that! While I wasn't perfect (of course we had some arguments), I never wanted to take him away from the hobbies he enjoyed! The strange thing is, once he broke up with me, he started getting out of his house and started doing all the things that I've encouraged him to do! While I'm glad that he's finally living outside the vigilance of his parents, I feel offended that he's going out and having a blast with mostly friends of his that are GIRLS (who I don't know of). It's like I never really mattered enough to him! My only fear is that when he does eventually "fix himself" or find whatever he is looking for (if ever), he'll find it with some other girl. What should I do? Once in a blue moon, he'll ask me to hang out. I've already started the process of fixing my mistakes (ie: i've stopped trying to run after him since I realized it was a major turn off, i erased his number, and it's taken a lot of will power on my part to NOT call him and ask why things didn't work out). But when he asks to hang out (which is now a rare occasion) do I hang out with him and (of course I won't bring up the relationship) continue to be there for him? But at the same time, I really don't want to be another tally on his sheet of ex-girlfriends. I don't want him to classify me as one of the normal and boring girls that never worked out, because as far as I know, the longest relationship he had so far was with me. Even if we don't ever get back together, I want to stand out. I feel like I didn't deserve the way he treated me toward the end.
Thank you for taking the time to read. |
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Iknow
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Post subject: RE: he says he can
Posted: Dec 23, 2007 - 08:25 PM
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Joined: Dec 23, 2007
Posts: 1
Status: Offline
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Dear bee,
In my opinion there is nothing wrong with being "normal" and it is a subjective term to say the least. The fact that you have been with this gentleman for almost three years tells me that you will always "stand out" in his memories. In love, no one deserves to be treated poorly, either in the beginning or in the end but we should not tolerate it from the get-go.
There is no doubt that it can be lonely without a partner, however, I think lonely is preferable to someone who admittedly feels confused and cannot commit. I am sure my advice to you will be of no consolation but here goes...change your routine, join the Y or somewhere that you can go for exercise, get a new hairstyle and move on. I know it is not as simple as it sounds but start going through the motions anyway and soon enough you will be feeling a whole lot better about everything.
Best wishes. |
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bee
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Post subject:
Posted: Dec 29, 2007 - 07:02 AM
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Joined: Dec 10, 2007
Posts: 3
Status: Offline
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Iknow,
You're absolutely right, even though it's easier to agree right now. In the end he's not worth my pain. I failed three classes this semester because I was unable to concentrate and what it all comes down to is that he doesn't care about me anymore and I have to face the music. He's "having a blast" he tells me. Fine. I can't help but feel bitter about the girls he's hanging with and how everything ended but there's nothing I can do about that. He wants to go backwards to find himself. He just doesn't understand anything beyond his own needs and wants. I really just have to think about something else now.
Thanks for your reply. |
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Janice
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Post subject:
Posted: Dec 30, 2007 - 11:37 PM
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Site Admin
Joined: Mar 19, 2004
Posts: 228
Location: New York City
Status: Offline
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I'm so sorry to hear about the pain that you experienced, and glad that you are stretching to find some insight into the part(s) you played in the demise of this relationship. What "Iknow" said about the guy being confused and unable to commit, she's right. It's no excuse for putting up with being treated poorly. My concern now, however, is how you aren't able to take the high road and see how this relationship was doomed from the beginning -- not because of him, but because of you.
What do I mean by this? I mean that, from your own admission, you were looking for love and acceptance, and so you couldn't see how you were expecting it from someone who was incapable of giving it to you. So you accepted his explanation that you were at fault, that you were defective in your needs for his time, attention and love. But from an objective perspective, you were expecting something from someone who was not ready, willing or able to give it to you -- and then you accepted the crumbs that he did give you. That was your bad.
It's unlikely that he will ever see or remember you in the way that you want to be seen and remembered. He has his own distorted vision and memories of you that you cannot change. The only person you can change, however, is yourself. Begin to see yourself as an attractive, capable and desirable woman. Failing classes only gives him power over you, and is that what you want? I hope not! Once you see yourself as deserving more than crumbs, and noting when you are getting less than what you really want in a relationship, you'll find the kind of men you want to date. Your future is only up to you.
Good luck! |
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bee
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Post subject:
Posted: Dec 31, 2007 - 10:34 PM
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Joined: Dec 10, 2007
Posts: 3
Status: Offline
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Dear Janice,
I realize that I allowed him to strip away my dignity because I took whatever he gave me. I won't deny that. I should have bailed when I still had my ego intact. It is my fault that I'm in pieces right now. I learned my lesson and I know I shouldn't have to sacrifice so much of myself just to stay with a person. It's not how a relationship should be. So yes. I allowed myself to fall into a hole, he didn't push me. I'm retaking the classes I failed because giving up would only make him win, and I definitely don't want that! It is just taking me a little while to heal. Since I posted my first topic here, however, my journey to moving forward has stagnated a little because I made the mistake of venting to the wrong person (ie: a mutual friend of our's, who is a guy). I was "man" about it though because on the rare instances that my ex contacts me, I told him I had vented to that person and said some things to that person concerning him and it was most likely out of anger. I then went on to admit what I said, expletives and all. And I apologized** He was okay about it but the next thing I know our mutual friend isn't so mutual anymore. It really opened my eyes. You know what? At this point I really DON'T CARE what my ex thinks about me. I seriously don't give a a flying turd about it anymore. Because the kind of crap he pulled is something I would expect a female to do. I've always been straight up with people because at the end of the day, I don't like to hold onto anger for days and weeks and years over stupid stuff that could easily be fixed. I'm always the first to bend over and apologize even if I'm right. That was my first mistake with my ex. I always said I was sorry to him first after I got upset with him. But I don't need to associate myself with a guy who acts like a high school drama queen. It definitely has brought me down and I can't afford it anymore.
Thanks. Happy New Year. |
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