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Your advice was always excellent and I believe very helpful in allowing me to become engaged to the most wonderful girl! I found you to be genuinely concerned with my success.
-- J., age 42[Click here to read more]
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Welcome to the Doctor Love Coach Message Boards!
I invite you to join me and and other members in discussions of just about anything related to dating and relationships.
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Janice
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Post subject: My boyfriend is a slob!
 Posted: Jul 28, 2005 - 01:52 AM
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Site Admin
Joined: Mar 19, 2004
Posts: 228
Location: New York City
Status: Offline
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A letter I received from Angie made me think of putting it up on the message board -- I ran into the man I've been dating for the past 4 months in the neighborhood today. He was wearing a pair of trousers whose edges all of them, including pleats and pockets) were all ripped and frayed. These were not jeans, but dress pants! He looked like he could have been sitting on a street corner begging passers-by for money. I reacted aghast, and when we met up later for dinner, I brought it up. He clearly hinted at the fact that he is proud about not caring about what others think and likes leading an inexpensive lifestyle and doesn't care about the way he looks etc.
I don't think that appearances are my priority but I always took it for granted that I would live in a nice-looking home (according to my means) with a neat-looking husband and never even dreamed that someone may decide to avoid looking neat and well-groomed. Grundge looks good on 16-year old models but I have never gone out with a grown-up man who is almost defiantly unkept, and frankly I don't understand it. It's almost a statement to defy the status-quo, consumerism etc. But this guy is a well-respected lawyer.
What do other people think? |
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Post subject: Sloppy Boyfriend
Posted: Aug 01, 2005 - 12:27 AM
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Hi there,
I was interested in your posting because I tried to establish a relationship with a man who was very sloppy. Unfortunately that did not work out. Although I cared about him deeply, the messiness pervaded his life. His house, his appearance, his car, his personal affairs were all disheveled. At first I just saw the clothes, house, etc. He also was proud and defiant of what he viewed as his superiority over others, for not making a big deal out of material issues. By the way, his is well educated, successful in his work and very wealthy. Ultimately, I realized this was a red flag that I had rationalized. His was more of a situation where he just didn't want to make the time to deal with things. Ultimately I learned that he also had never gotten around to completing his divorce process. This was very unfortunate, since I realized that this would probably take some time (like 7-10 years) and that there were many other associated passive aggressive behaviors. He really did not desire to live a tidy, organized, squared away lifestyle. He liked the chaos and was very resistant to fixing it. I had to realize that this was an integral part of him that I had rationalized or thought I could change, which is not the best way to start a relationship. Now I am back to the drawing board, older and wiser, more vigilant than ever about red flags! Good luck to you. |
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Post subject: RE: Sloppy Boyfriend
Posted: Aug 03, 2005 - 03:28 PM
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Some guys just need a little training on dress. It can be dramatic (throw all the clothes out) or subtle (buy him things/shop with him). It also has a lot to do with age, interest and profession. An old roommate of mine threw all her boyfriend's clothing away when he went on a trip, yes he was mad but he is now one of the sharpest dresser I know.
Cleanliness is another issue all together! |
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EditorEsther
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Post subject: RE: Sloppy Boyfriend
Posted: Aug 05, 2005 - 09:00 PM
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Joined: Dec 05, 2004
Posts: 13
Status: Offline
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I guess my question is, "what is the real reason for the sloppiness?" When people are single a while, there's often the temptation to "let oneself (and "one's affairs") go." If I know no one's coming over to my apartment, it's probably not going to be on the neater side. Also, sometimes on weekends, people who have to dress up during the week (people who are not freelance writers, actors or musicians) want to relax on weekends, which often means slouchy, old, ripped clothes, like concert tees from Billy Joel's "The Bridge" tour.
I've always understood that you can't change a man. But this doesn't sound like accidental sloppiness, which believe me, I can forgive to a point. This is intentional, civil disobedience type of sloppiness. Which could be either endearing, if he's a man of intense conviction protesting sweatshop workers or non-hemp clothing, or not, if he's...not.
Also, he'd have to be a sloppy person who showers. We girls have to have our standards. |
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Post subject: RE: Sloppy Boyfriend
Posted: Aug 12, 2005 - 03:27 PM
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clarification:
his life pattern is not sloppy at all, I'd say he's superorganized. He does shower twice a day and does not seem to put much effort into dressing during the workweek, although he does have to wear a suit.
Angie |
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Post subject: Sloppy Boyfriends can make Great Husbands
Posted: Aug 13, 2005 - 04:55 PM
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When I first met my now-husband, he looked pretty good from the ankles up, but his shoes were old sneakers that were ragged on the sides. Come to find out, old and ragged was his usual style. He told me after our first meeting that he had gotten a call from his credit card, because they had flagged an unusual purchase: Clothing from Sears. That's how seldom he went clothes shopping, and an indication of his sense of style. Everything else that was visable (his house, for instance) was raggedy too. But his character was sterling, and as my then therapist said, he was workable. Together, we totally redid his house, and slowly over the years, his clothing has improved. Frankly, he hates to shop and doesn't know how, so he gladly has turned the whole business over to me. And I have good taste. Don't be distracted by the exterior presentation. Character is the most important feature in a man or woman.
Kathryn Lord, http://www.Find-a-Sweetheart.com |
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Post subject: RE: Sloppy Boyfriends can make Great Husbands
Posted: Aug 15, 2005 - 01:17 AM
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| ive been with my boyfriend for over a year and he is a slob.. not so much the way he dresses but the in the ways of not picking up after himself, he turning our car into a dumpster on wheels, our brand new car by the way.. after he did the same to the previous vehicle..he works hard 7 days a week in construction so i can understand he is tired when he gets home, but its affecting his hygiene,he only showers maybe twice a week, his feet reek!!!! when i do laundry i put on dish gloves to touch his socks.. when he eats he leaves his plate in the living room, when he shaves i have to unclog the drain and clean all his clippings out of the sink.. he just grosses me out..i love him and hate him...i should of just got a CAT |
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Janice
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Post subject: Slob for a boyfriend
Posted: Aug 15, 2005 - 03:51 AM
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Site Admin
Joined: Mar 19, 2004
Posts: 228
Location: New York City
Status: Offline
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There are a few good points that I think can be gleaned about "slobby" or "sloppy" boyfriends from the discussion so far. One is that sometimes men just don't make their appearance a priority. They have many other obligations and responsibilities that they put first, and so their clothing and dressing standards end up suffering. If this is the case, then some shopping and gentle re-directing have been known to provide good results. Hygiene, although a category in and of itself, can often be neglected because of the same reason -- not really a priority. However, letting your guy know the effects of his behavior on you could do wonders. E.g., "I feel really turned off to you when you have bad breath/3 days' worth of facial hair growth/dirty toenails." If he cares about you and your feelings, then he will make the effort a little more often than before; hopefully before he gets eczema or needs root canal. 
Rebelling against basic standards of neatness and hygiene should definitely be a red flag. If Angie's boyfriend -- the lawyer -- is a good guy at heart who cares about her and her feelings, then she might need to chose to overlook his preference not to care about his appearance. She can probably train him just like Kathryn and Guest #1 did. But if it's just another area where a man sees dressing and hygiene as yet another social convention to rebel against, as Margie related about her ex-boyfriend, then I'd say you'll know what you're getting into ahead of time.
Basically, it's about who he is on the inside. If he's a good guy, then you can work with him to have his outside match his inside. But you can't change a guy who's a sociopath on the inside, no matter how well-groomed and well-dressed he is on the outside. |
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Post subject: RE: Slob for a boyfriend
Posted: Sep 09, 2005 - 10:40 PM
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I'm having a similar problem with my boyfriend.
He is a carpenter and owns an old house he got from him grandmother. My problem is that he seems to be sloppy and comfortable in dirty environments.
The other day I was so grossed out laying in his bed. It was full of dirt and clumps of hair from his dog! So much of it stuck to me I had to get in the shower. He said he trys to keep the dog out of his room while he is at work but he doesn't work. I figure he is okay with it since he doesn't change his sheets or try other ways to keep the dog out. All of his furniture has a white layer of dust over it, his bathroom smells like piss(he does live with three other guys), and his house is swarming with bugs because he feels that in the summer the door can just be left open...and not use a screen so the dogs can come and go as they please!
He can be considered the perfect guy in every other catagory. But I am so grossed out with his house, I don't see out relationship going anywhere....defintly not anywhere that leads to us living together. It troubles me to think that if things where to progress, and one day we did want to live together, I'd have to "train" him so I could be comfortable.
Not to mention I have indoor cats so his thing with thinking it's silly to shut doors is something I could never live with. |
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Janice
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Post subject: Slob for a boyfriend
Posted: Sep 16, 2005 - 03:08 PM
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Site Admin
Joined: Mar 19, 2004
Posts: 228
Location: New York City
Status: Offline
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I was waiting to see if Angie would respond to your question since I know that she worked out a solution to the problem of her "slob" boyfriend. Angie bought him some new clothes, and then gently suggested that he give/throw away the old and tattered stuff. Even though this was difficult for him, he did get rid of some things. She even inadvertently left the receipt in the bag, which he found and then gave her a check to reimburse her!
Since Angie was spending increasingly more time at her boyfriend's apartment, she continuously let him know how it made her feel to be there while simultaneously empathizing with how busy her boyfriend was with work, so how could he keep it clean by himself? So HE found someone to come in to clean every other week, and then Angie tipped the woman to spend an additional hour straightening his drawers. After a couple of months of regular cleaning (which included laundry), her boyfriend remarked how nice it was to have a clean place to come home to after a busy day!
Other people have commented here that men can learn to be more neat, but I contend that nothing works better initially than to help him delegate the jobs, especially since he's so busy working. Since your boyfriend lives with other men, perhaps you can suggest that they pool their funds and hire someone to clean for them. The dog probably needs more regular grooming, which can also be outsourced. And, of course, there are such things as "doggie doors" so that dogs (and cats) can come and go as they please without dangerously leaving doors open all of the time.
Of course, just like Angie, it's important that you let your boyfriend know how you feel when you're at his place, without being judgmental. It works like this, "I feel uncomfortable when I'm at your place because it's so messy/smelly/whatever." No one is forcing you to go there if it's too painful for you. "I can't come over tonight -- it's too painful for me to be there and see fill in the blank about something disgusting that you saw." DO NOT say "this place is disgusting!" or "I can't believe you can live like this!" Just let him know the effects of his behavior on you.
If the guy's as "perfect" as you describe, he should be sensitive to your feelings and take you up on your offer to work togther to solve the problem. |
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Sergio
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Post subject:
Posted: Feb 11, 2007 - 03:18 AM
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Joined: Feb 11, 2007
Posts: 1
Status: Offline
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Oh Girl...let me tell you!
My boyfriend of seven years is a slob! He has not only let his body go to hell (despite the fact that we live near one of those Trader Joes store and have a slick elliptical machine in our garage) - but I'm beginning to realize that he has an unnatural sexual obsession with teenage boys (once in a while I check up on what he has been downloading). On top of all of this, he spent six hours today playing a video game (Pacxon) on the internet.
Lately, he has been going to the bathroom (defecates) with the door fully open...I'm utterly disgusted!
Of all the guys I've dated, I cannot believe that this is what I have ended up with. |
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