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kristam
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Post subject: 3yrs 8months of waiting....finally ended it
 Posted: Jul 23, 2007 - 01:04 AM
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Joined: Jul 23, 2007
Posts: 2
Status: Offline
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My Committment phobe, only child/boyfriend and I have been dating/living together for 3yrs and 8 months. We are both 34.
He moved in w/ me. He is an absolutely wonderful, passionate, sincere boyfriend-but that's just it, a wonderful boyfriend. He just can't take the next step to become a husband. We have so much in common,we love the same things,we have so much fun with each other. I have been nagging him about getting married for a very long time. There have been some break ups in the past b/c of this. Well, this past year I set a deadline for myself. That deadline came and went and no engagement. I finally got tired of the lies and being led on about him telling me he has gone to the jewelry store a couple of times to "talk" about buying the ring and get prices, etc. I got tired asking him "Are you going to take care of this soon?" and then him tell me "Don't worry, it's taken care of, it's coming soon." Or "Chill out, you won't let me enjoy this- you know I love you and I want to marry you & I can't imagine living my life w/out you." He told me all of this. So I backed off a little and still got nothing- no engagement. Just excuses of why he hasn't actually bought the ring. Work, he lost his check card and is waiting for the new one to come in, his mother is sick so he's trying to take care of her, etc.
Well, just yesterday, I told him for the 100th time that I have had enough of waiting. I love you, but I am mentally and physically tired of hearing the excuses, being lied to and led on. I have had enough. We have got to start making some arraignments. He didn't like that too much, but understood that he has strung me along for too long.
Needless to say, in a nice way, I told him to pack his stuff and leave. We ended up both crying very much. He suggested we take a break so he could "think", clear his mind, talk to someone about why he can't make the step, etc. He has to work for a week in another state (I would have been going with him).
I left him at home, I went driving/thinking for a couple of hrs and thought long and hard and came back to suggest to him that maybe it would just best for him to move out. And if and when he was ready to marry me and If I was available, to come find me- thanks to Dr. Phil.
This was sooo hard to do. We both ended up crying again and thinking out loud how hard it is going to be w/out one another, etc.
This really sucks. I can understand if he were cheating on me-I'd hate him, or if we weren't happy in our relationship, if we had fallen out of love, but it's none of that- we're fine. It's just him not ready to take the next step.
I don't know how I will be able to find someone else. |
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Janice
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Post subject:
Posted: Jul 29, 2007 - 05:15 AM
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Site Admin
Joined: Mar 19, 2004
Posts: 228
Location: New York City
Status: Offline
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I hear how painful being in this relationship has been for you over the past few months, so I'd actually would've been surprised if you had stayed in it. Cutting to the chase -- I frequently tell singles that if they are getting more pain than pleasure in a relationship, then they have to look at themselves and make a decision in order to protect themselves from further pain.
Other than supporting you for the difficult step you took to protect your feelings, I want to use your situation (and your decision) as an example of what commitment-oriented singles have to do in order to find and create a gratifying, committed relationship. I'm specifically referring to asking for what you want and need in a relationship. You were asking for MORE than a mere companionship. As I wrote in Playmates for a Lifetime, there is a difference between wanting a companion vs. a life partner relationship. And no matter how gratifying and fulfilling it is to have a companion in the present, there's no guarantee that there will be a relationship in the future. This is when "commitment phobes" are discovered -- they are happy to be in an exclusive relationship, but make no effort to make sure that it continues into the future.
The fact that you ended up nagging him to move forward says loudly that the two of you were not working toward the same goal of marriage. Your boyfriend might have, at one time (or on numerous occasions) said that marriage was his goal as well, but his behavior didn't support what he was saying. your reminding him of his agreement ended up sounding like nagging to him. In this case, "actions speak louder than words," and it was understandable that you were not able to stay in the relationship without sharing the same future goal.
You say that you don't know if you'll find someone else. That is not an uncommon feeling that many singles have after a break-up. But I have to ask you -- would staying in this relationship the way that it was be enough for you? I didn't hear how your needs and feelings were being taken into consideration. I say that if you make it a priority, you WILL find suitable men to date who will be willing to meet your relationship needs and share your goals. Good luck! |
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kristam
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Post subject:
Posted: Jul 29, 2007 - 09:23 PM
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Joined: Jul 23, 2007
Posts: 2
Status: Offline
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Thank you so much for replying to me. GOALS: I want a happy marriage, a husband and children also. Those are my priorities. I just feel like if I do find the right one, will I be able to love him as much as I loved my ex? Will I always dwell on the question of did i do the right thing by "kicking him out". I just feel I won't be able to love my husband b/c I'll still have feelings for the ex. even if it's 5 yrs from now.
Me and the ex were happy the only thing we really argued about was the marriage part- moving forward. It seemed he was ready but then back away.
I hate these feelings. |
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