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KIluvdesign
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Post subject: Another man that won't fully commit!
 Posted: Jun 25, 2007 - 07:12 PM
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Joined: Jun 25, 2007
Posts: 1
Status: Offline
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This seems to be a popular topic but I'm still need advice - or even just a place to vent. I am 27 and my boyfriend of 2-1/2 years is turning 30. We have lived together for 2 years and just purchased a house "together" (not really - I bought it in my name only due to his past credit issues he's currently fixing). I have a 7 year old son that my boyfriend calls his own and we've talked seriously about marriage. He has told me in the past that once he can afford to put a ring on my finger that he'll do it. We share finances, have a home together and are basically living the married life. We started a business together about 2 years ago and 3 months ago we decided he would work the business full time. We are working hard to make ends meet - and we don't fight about money issues. We've spoken openly about marriage and kids and have been on the same page for the past two years. We even talked about having a "backyard reception" when we are finished re-landscaping. He's mentioned several times about how we should just elope and get it over with. (Neither one of us wants the pomp & circumstance of a large wedding).
So what's the problem right? when I brought up the subject of marriage a few weeks ago (on a day that he happened to be irritated with my son) that he feels pressured and not ready. I told him that it's a suprise that he could say he wasn't ready because we are practically married right now - and according to our past conversations we've always been on the same page about marriage. I told him I refuse to be the girl who waits 10 years for a guy to "make up his mind" and I'm not going to wait forever - my son and I deserve better. He said "what is the difference of having the piece of paper" and I stated that it's a level of commitment to me and my son that is important to me. He came back and said that it's hard for him because we have so much going on with trying to fix up the house, making ends meet and that he's struggling to get his business up and running. He said "can we at least be out of the financial clear before we discuss this again". That sounds very reasonable and I agree, but his actions tell me differently. He spends more time actively looking and talking about purchasing jetskis, dirtbikes and all the other "toys" when in my mind he should be planning on proposing if he's really serious about it.
The other issue that puts skeptiscism in my head is that he was in a very destructive past relationship (on and off for 8 years) with a girl he was engaged to. This was about 5 years ago, but he still cannot let go of her. She pops up every now and then and has even tried to "get" him back. He's made it very clear to her (and me) that he's not interested in having anything to do with her. I never thought twice about him interacting with her until he demonstrated through a previous IM session with her about a year ago that she can still get under his skin with rude comments. I told him if she bothered him so much why doesn't he just ignore her emails and Instant messages and write her off. He said "I guess I just can't - we have a lot of history together". Since then, I've noticed that he checks up on her online almost every day through Myspace. She just sent him a long letter not too long ago - that he told me about and wanted me to read - that she went to rehab for depression and co-dependancy and it stems from their past relationship problems.
I really believe he loves me and is committed to me - but I have no idea how to figure out his issues with his ex and why he can't let go. I'm wondering if the fact he hasn't proposed to me stems from some issues with his her or if he is just afraid of commitment. Any thoughts or comments? |
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Janice
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Post subject:
Posted: Jun 26, 2007 - 03:51 AM
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Site Admin
Joined: Mar 19, 2004
Posts: 228
Location: New York City
Status: Offline
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Unfortunately, you and your boyfriend have agreed to wait to get married until a bunch of other projects are finished first. I think that if you truly want to get married, then this is a mistake. What you've done is make these other projects more of a priority than getting married. Plus, you've set everything up to look like you're actually married, and accepted the way that you're living, so what's the real motivating factor now?
What I'm wondering mostly about is why you asked him about marriage a couple of weeks ago, when you already had "an agreement." Did something happen, or did he do something, that made you wonder if you were still on the same page? Because it seems like asking about getting engaged brought up a whole lot of new feelings and information from him. Adding into the equation that he's interested in buying dirtbikes, etc., I suspect that the two of you really are not on the same page, i.e., not aiming towards the same goal.
As for the ex-girlfriend, the only way that he's going to cut her loose is if he, well, actually cuts her loose. He has to tell her not to contact him anymore, and block her emails, i.m.'s and text messages. He has no obligation to her future just because they have a past. People break up and move on all of the time! So he has to be honest with himself and cut her loose if he wants to be with you. If she tries to play the guilt card to stay in touch with her, he can feel good knowing that she's getting proper psychiatric treatment.
He won't commit because you've made it easy for him not to. He knows that you'd have to turn your whole world upside down if you were to break up with him. You could wait and see what happens when the backyard landscaping is done, his business is stable and etc., etc., etc. Or you could decide that getting married is the most important thing and see if his response is acceptable to you. If you need help, I suggest that the two of you go to couples therapy. You are welcome to contact me for a referral in your zip code. Good luck! |
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