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smokey
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Post subject: Janice, what am I suppose to do?
 Posted: Jun 02, 2007 - 09:53 PM
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Joined: May 26, 2007
Posts: 9
Status: Offline
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In the last month, I have come to know a woman who I work with who is 15 years younger than me. I am 50. I can honestly say we are very attracted to each other and communicate very, very well and have a lot in common. I am on an emotional roller coaster because I very much want to spend more time with this person as she is leery of "crossing the line" and possibly ruining our friendship. She has told me she has a boyfriend but it seems like it's not working out too well with him and she has spoken of "cutting the line" with him. She has not children and been married once and I have no children and been married once.
I have made my feelings clear to her on how much I care for her. She has told me at least 3 times she can't give me anymore than this current friendship right now. She calls me about every night before she goes to bed and we email nearly all day at work for weeks. When I mention I want to spend more time with her she mainly says she "hasn't got things figured out yet".
My response to all this is to try and stay fit and let things come as they may.
She is on my mind constantly and even in her busy schedule, I believe she feels the same because of her many phone calls to me. I'm very smitten and giddy about this woman.
What should I do? Take a step back a give her more space? It's hard to leave her alone. I think I'm in love and I'm losing sleep.
What can you advise? |
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smokey
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Post subject: Well I did it
Posted: Jun 05, 2007 - 08:52 PM
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Joined: May 26, 2007
Posts: 9
Status: Offline
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After getting very little sleep because I cannot stopping thinking about this woman, last night I told her I don't think I can be just friends. She start crying on the phone. I am very upset myself. I believe her actions are more than just friends and she is stringing me along. It hurts too much to not be able to be with her like I want.
I think it's very possible she is not the right woman for me. I was concerned about the fact she flirted with me and then decided that was wrong. How could that be the type of person I'd want to be with if she's cheating on her boyfriend?
She says she appreciated me because I was deep and honest but then she pulls away and puts up a guard and became more distant and shallow in the last few weeks. In one moment she knows what she wants but to me I feel she is still searching for something.
I'm all mixed up now, my world is turned upside down. I'll have to begin to somehow get myself back together. Any comments would be appreciated. I took a risk and lost. |
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Janice
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Post subject:
Posted: Jun 08, 2007 - 04:19 AM
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Site Admin
Joined: Mar 19, 2004
Posts: 228
Location: New York City
Status: Offline
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I am not a big believer in datiing someone with whom you work. Most companies have rules against "fraternizing" with other employees, and disobeying this rule could put your job, and possibly your livelihood, in jeopardy.
Nonetheless, the issue your question really raises is what to do when you're "smitten" with a woman who is unavailable. In her case, she's in a seemingly exclusive relationship with someone else, and as you say
Quote:
She has told me at least 3 times she can't give me anymore than this current friendship right now.
I have said on numerous occasions that the best way to predict how people will behave is by listening to what they say.
By calling and emailing you, she is in essence having an "emotional affair" with you. She is re-directing much of her emotional energy away from her relationship with her boyfriend to you. Connecting with you on such a deep level works for her in two ways -- she doesn't have to deal with her dissatisfaction in her relationship, yet her needs get gratified by you. For you, you get some form of emotional connection, but you are only getting some of her, not all of her. Wanting her to give you more would require her to "rock the boat," and she has clearly told you she can't until she's "gotten things figured out.".
Your second post tells me that you are not able to take the status quo. Obviously, by crying, she doesn't want things to change -- she wants you to continue to serve the same purpose as you have all along, of being the distraction she needs to stay where she is. By telling her that you want more, you are standing up for your feelings and needs. Good for you! The challenge now will be to stay away from her and not succumb to her neediness.
Encourage her to get treatment to help her sort out her feelings. Don't go back to being her pseudo-boyfriend until she takes some steps toward clarity. In the meantime, socialize with women who are truly available and interested in having a real relationship, without having to sneak around!
Good luck! |
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smokey
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Post subject:
Posted: Jun 10, 2007 - 02:22 PM
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Joined: May 26, 2007
Posts: 9
Status: Offline
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Well, I have not talked to this woman for 6 days now. Still, she races through my mind.
I found out she was married an additional time within months of a relationship and had it annuled very quickly about 3 years ago. She has spoken of making too many mistakes and I guess that's what's she meant. At this point, I don't think we'll have much of any relationship except at work. We are teachers so maybe that's the way it should be. The summer has turned out much differently than I imagined so far. I agree she was having an emotional affair and I have experienced this before in my life.
Still, if she decided to rock the boat and was to call and say she wants to talk, I would be open. Even though it probably would cause more pain.
Thank you for you advice.
FYI, nearly all my friends are women and this was not just a "friend" as she has put it. At least not for me. |
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smokey
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Post subject:
Posted: Jun 17, 2007 - 04:08 PM
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Joined: May 26, 2007
Posts: 9
Status: Offline
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Well, here's an update for all of you keeping up with this.
I haven't spoken or even called my lady "friend".
And STILL I think of her everyday.
I don't see any point in calling her if she has a boyfriend, though I want to badly because I miss the friendship that we had.
I'm disappointed that I couldn't control my feelings to the point of having a friendship with this person.
I basically have spoken about her to every one of my friends and I think they may be getting tired of the subject.
So now I just try to put time between us and think of what it will be like in our next meeting as I know we will meet at work in August. I'll be traveling next week hoping that will help, but I've done that before and I think I know how that will be, I'll just think of her in a different place and try to laugh out loud the best I can. What if . . . |
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smokey
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Post subject:
Posted: Jul 26, 2007 - 09:37 PM
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Joined: May 26, 2007
Posts: 9
Status: Offline
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Well here's another update. Why I feel the need to update I have no idea.
My friend finally called twice a couple weeks ago. In her first phone call she called me at 9:45pm(bedtime) like she used to. Her reason was she said because I text messaged her a week earlier asking how she was. We had a nice 20 minute conversation and I kind of ended it the best way I could. Usually we would have talked much longer. She called again a couple days later asking directions to a theater which I thought was weird.
I really like this girl and I STILL think of her nearly nonstop everyday. BUT, I have yet to call her but I did text message her twice in the last 2 months.
I want so bad to pick up the phone but I don't because I feel it wouldn't help matters. I have gone from very heavy heartbreak to depression to recuperation mentally and physically. Should I call? that's what I keep asking myself. I really enjoy talking to her and being with her.
And in about 3 weeks I will have to see her at work and I'm afraid I'm going to melt when I do, but that's nothing new. I think the tough part about all this is, is that I will have to act falsely around her, I will not be able to show my true feelings as I did. And I think she knows, especially from our last two phone calls. And I feel she is acting falsely too because I think she cares about me also and is afraid to show her true feelings.
Should I call??? |
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Janice
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Post subject:
Posted: Jul 29, 2007 - 05:22 AM
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Site Admin
Joined: Mar 19, 2004
Posts: 228
Location: New York City
Status: Offline
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It sounds like this woman is trying to "seduce" you into having a relationship with you, but only the kind that she wants. She had said that she wanted a friendship with you, not wanting anything more, even though she knew how you felt about her. It looks to me like she is ignoring your feelings and attempting to gain your friendship only to meet her own needs.
Is this what you want? Because if you don't, then you shouldn't call her, or text message her, or email, at all.
But if you do, you travel at your own risk. She has already shown that she is insensitive to your feelings and needs, and there is little to indicate that she has changed. You've written a few posts about how you've tried to maintain your integrity (and for which you should be commended), and while this has been painful for you, why would you now throw caution to the wind just for a few text messages and phone calls, or even a quick coffee? |
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smokey
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Post subject: Update-Sept. 1
Posted: Sep 01, 2007 - 04:17 PM
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Joined: May 26, 2007
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Well, I've returned to work which meant I had to come face to face with you know who. It was kind of a cold situation as we both tried not to say hello.
It's hard not being friendly with the only person at work that I have been able to confide in.
I continue to think about this woman everyday but I have not contacted her in anyway, except now when necessary for work through email, and I have had my fingertip on the phone a few times.
I think I understand that nothing can come of this unless she makes the first move. Even then, I doubt that will happen. I believe I am finally seeing things in a new light.
Things are definitely different from the last time we saw each other. The last time we talked in length and hugged, now we are making an effort not to talk to each other. I believe she still wants to be friends. In a job related email she had ended it with "my friend". I believe she would be fine with continueing as things were. I'm sure it is difficult for her too.
Maybe we'll be friends, maybe not. The age difference is now my rationalization for things not ever being able to work out. I try to find problems in her character to convince myself it would never work out. The only thing I can find is possibly her insincerity to her boyfriend as she befriended me. I suppose that's a quite a flaw if she is serious about this guy.
I appreciate the comments Janice. I believe this has been of some help in my attempt to get over this period of my life. |
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smokey
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Post subject: She broke up.
Posted: Dec 02, 2007 - 03:21 AM
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Joined: May 26, 2007
Posts: 9
Status: Offline
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I'm still in a tizzy over this woman. Now I remember the saying "watch out what you wish for," not that I wished she would break up with her boyfriend, but she did about a month ago I think. A workmate told me and my lady friend mentioned she was struggling with "letting go".
I am now of the belief she has to make the first move if anything is to happen. I have called her 2 times since the last update and have spent little time visiting her at work. She has sent me one email thanking me for being a friend and being so observant in recognizing her unexplained problems.
Nothing can or should happen at this time I think, as she needs time for sure to get mentally/emotionally healthy again.
I still am amazed that I continue to have a thing for this person. Something intrigues me about her and I'm just trying to let things happen without losing control of my emotions.
Her last comment to me after I said I was going to leave her alone 3 weeks ago because I felt I was being a tad bothersome in her emotional state was, "things don't have to be weird".
So now I keep repeating those words in my head wondering what that's supposed to mean.
Maybe she's right. |
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Michael
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Post subject: RE: She broke up.
Posted: Dec 04, 2007 - 11:22 PM
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Joined: Jan 20, 2006
Posts: 10
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Boy, emotion knows no bounds does it? Even age has no factor in the emotional state of men who are smitten with women. I have gone through exactly what you are going through smokey even though I'm probably 30 years younger then you.
All I can tell you is that, I merely think of the girl I met as a friend and nothing more. If she broke up with her boyfriend, I'd say give her a little time to get over him and let go but definitly let her know you are still there. The only thing you can do at this point is let her come to you. You have to realize that you have crossed the line (not in a bad way) to the point of letting her know pretty well what your feelings are towards her.
Now it's her turn. You have to let her cross the line, by breaking up with her boyfriend she has made a step in the direction of this line but has not crossed it. I'll say this much, in the last month how many times have you called/texted her and how many times has she called/texted you? If the amount of times YOU initiate conversation is significantly higher then hers maybe it's time you let her be the initiator. Like janice said, she may be just using you for a psuedo-boyfriend which isn't what you want. The only way to be sure is let her make the first move.
I hope my advice helps you a little even if I'm lacking the experience myself. |
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smokey
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Post subject: RE: She broke up.
Posted: Dec 08, 2007 - 07:17 PM
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Joined: May 26, 2007
Posts: 9
Status: Offline
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I appreciate the feedback Michael and I agree, I need to let her crossing. Waiting for possibly no reply is very difficult as you probably can imagine. In the last month I have called once, she none, I have emailed about 4 times receiving short or no replies. I used to visit her at work but haven't for about a month. We are cordial and she waves when she sees me with sometimes a big smile.
Yes, I think she knows how I feel a little but if she only knew how the heart flutters.
I imagine this will or will not come to fruition sooner or later. I really don't know how to stop the feelings that I have. It's about impossible right now and it's going on 7 months.
Peace! |
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smokey
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Post subject: In my heart and soul
Posted: May 27, 2008 - 03:01 AM
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Joined: May 26, 2007
Posts: 9
Status: Offline
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for those of you keeping up with this saga . . .
my lady friend is engaged to someone she met about 6 months ago.
So now I must deal with this fact as I work each day with her in the building.
I've learned so much and truly believe it was all necessary to open my eyes to my own shortcomings.
She moves fast and wish her the very best.
I worried so much about the future and dwelt on past memories with her.
I know she will pop up in my mind quite often but I'm pretty much convinced the only solution is living in this moment and only this moment.
Look out! |
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