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SBGymnast20
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Post subject: When your ready for an engagement and he's not...
 Posted: Apr 19, 2007 - 12:55 AM
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Joined: Apr 19, 2007
Posts: 1
Status: Offline
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| My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years now and lived together for 1 year and 10 months. We said I love you to each other 1 month after dating and moved in with each other after 2. We just clicked right away and have moved to another state together, gone on many trips together, we are very serious and close with each other. I want to take the next step, meaning an engagement but he doesn't want to. He says he wants to wait until he's 100% sure we are perfect for each other, but I told him no one is ever 100% sure. You just have to do what feels right. I'm so scared he will never want to commit. He had told me he was going to propose before this past christmas came and it didn't happen, do you think I should move on or wait until he is ready? I don't want to stick around just to find out he won't ever be ready, but I don't want to loose him either. What should I do!?!? |
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Janice
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Post subject:
Posted: May 28, 2007 - 08:59 PM
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Site Admin
Joined: Mar 19, 2004
Posts: 228
Location: New York City
Status: Offline
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I understand why you would be frustrated -- you've been living together for over two years now "playing house," all the while waiting for your boyfriend to make your relationship permanent. That kind of waiting can be confusing, especially if you've never had a conversation about what "being 100% sure" means.
In a way, you've skirted the issue, saying ". . . I told him no one is ever 100% sure. You just have to do what feels right." That is actually untrue. Something can feel right one moment and then feel wrong the next. That's why singles who make relationship decisions based exclusively on their feelings end up becoming dissatisfied more often than singles who make their decisions in more deliberate and conscious ways.
Consequently, I would suggest that you ask your boyfriend how he defines "100% sure." It's essential that you initiate the conversation during a calm moment, not while you are in the midst of an argument. See if he's able to articulate what his intellectual, emotional, and physical needs are, as well as his future life goals. Listen carefully, trying to determine if you actually do fit the bill, and seeing if he can accept some of your limitations in light of the (hopefully) many ways that he finds you compatible. This will be a good exercise in helping him see that while you are not 100% perfect, you could come pretty darn close.
Without this kind of discussion, you have given all of the power over the future of your relationship to your boyfriend. Most couples in healthy relationships say that the decision to become engaged is a mutual one. They've already had many discussions about the challenges of their relationship and what each of them need to do to create a future together.
Let me know how it goes, and if you need help in broaching this subject. If your boyfriend is unable or unwilling to talk about his relationship needs, and says "it'll happen when it happens," that's when you may want to consider moving on. Good luck! |
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