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Welcome to the Doctor Love Coach Message Boards!
I invite you to join me and and other members in discussions of just about anything related to dating and relationships.
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viv
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Post subject: Time to let go??!!
 Posted: Nov 21, 2006 - 10:50 PM
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Joined: Nov 21, 2006
Posts: 1
Status: Offline
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Dear Dr. Janice, I have been with my bf for 3 years. I am in my early 30s and he's in his late 30's. He has told me over and over again that he loves me and that I am the right person and he sees a future for us. But he has told me from the beginning that he has issues with marriage b/c his parents were divorced and his father did not have much to do with him until recently. His mother died when he was in his late teens.
Everything would be going fine between us until someone we know experienced marital problems, and he would go into this panic state and he would want to be by himself. He told me if we get married our relationship will be doomed. We went to look at rings about 8 months ago, but a colleague got divorced and that was the end of that. Every time someone has marital issues he goes into this panic state and pulls back. He told me that he loves me and wants to marry me when he works out his issues. He thought that moving in together could help us but I declined, thinking it would only make the situation more complicated.
Both of our families got along quite well and all of our friends think we are a well-matched couple. I love him but I don't know how much more of this yoyo relationship I can take! He said he hates himself for doing this to us. He is fearful that I am going to find someone else and leave him for good. This is very difficult for me. I love him but I don't want to be his gf forever. Is it time to let go? |
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Janice
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Post subject: Re: Time to let go?
Posted: Dec 03, 2006 - 10:07 PM
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Site Admin
Joined: Mar 19, 2004
Posts: 228
Location: New York City
Status: Offline
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Your boyfriend has said exactly what he feels and wants, and his behavior has been consistent with his words. My main concern, however, is that you have not been listening. Instead, you are counting on the love and the bond that you created over the past 3 years to propel the two of you into a committed future. Unfortunately, how much you love each other now is irrelevant. He is clearly communicating his "commitment phobia" in words and actions, warning signs of his fear that a marriage with you will fail, just as his parents' did.
As I wrote in The Last Word on Commitment Phobia, commitment phobia is "an unrealistic fear of making a promise, a pledge or a vow to be a faithful and loyal partner to another person." Singles can have fears about engaging in more intimate relationships because of some painful past experiences, common ones being their own relationship failures or those of close loved ones. Your boyfriend's fears about marriage are most likely rooted in having painfully witnessed his parents' unhappy marriage and divorce, and being reminded of these feelings whenever a friend or colleague has marital problems.
While all of this is understandable, it unfortunately debilitates him when he attempts to move forward with you. He has said that he wants to "work out his issues," but what I'm wondering is this -- what has he actually done about it? From what you've written, he's expressed both his desires and fears about being with you in the future, but has done little else.
In my article Commitment--Gain or Loss? I provide a "prescription" of five steps for overcoming commitment phobia for singles with mild relationship fears. I'm hearing from you however, that your boyfriend experiences debilitating anxiety and panic when it comes to increasing your commitment. In most contexts, fears are designed to keep a person away from truly dangerous situations. But in a relationship with someone he allegedly loves, your boyfriend's fears and anxieties are therefore "maladaptive." So it's for this reason that your boyfriend needs more help to better understand the forces behind his anxieties and panic, and to learn how to handle them.
That's why the treatment I prescribe for your boyfriend's commitment phobia is psychotherapy. Be on the alert however, that he may avoid entering psychotherapy or fully engage in the treatment process. You must know that this is merely a perpetuation of his relationship fears. You should also be prepared for the possibility that your boyfriend may offer alternative, albeit inadequate, solutions. For example, you were right not to agree with his suggestion that you move in together, as doing so will not help him to solve his deeper issues, and his fears and anxieties would continue to intrude.
The rest of the prescription requires that you let him know how his yo-yo behaviors make you feel. Each time he becomes anxious or panicked, let him know that you feel rejected and unloved.
You ask if it's time to let go. Yes, it is. This prescription requires that you give him space and time to heal. Consider going out with other men. You might meet someone who is much more ready, willing and able to be the kind of committed, life partner relationship you want. Because you deserve it. |
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