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Welcome to the Doctor Love Coach Message Boards!
I invite you to join me and and other members in discussions of just about anything related to dating and relationships.
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JulieRuin
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Post subject: I have Commitment Phobia
 Posted: Nov 19, 2006 - 10:26 AM
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Joined: Nov 19, 2006
Posts: 1
Status: Offline
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Hi,
I don't know if anyone can help me here, but I thought I would give it a try.
I am 28 years old. I have commitment phobia. I would say it's pretty extreme. I haven't had an actual relationship for almost 7 years. I can't commit at all. If I do, I don't last more than a couple days. Even just casually dating someone is impossible. I can't handle it for long - the anxiety drives me to end it. There has to be absolutely no ties, no expectations - nothing; otherwise, I get really bad panic and anxiety. I usually fall hard for someone, then soon after I feel like I want nothing to do with them - then I can't even figure out if I liked them at all. I want a boyfriend very badly, but I can't do it. I don't know if I am picking the wrong guys, or if my fear just makes me find things wrong with the guys. I have a history of bad relationships, issues with my father.. and bad role models. I am deathly afraid of hurting people. I am also afraid of getting hurt, but I am more afraid of hurting the other person. I know I need to go to therapy for this, but I have to wait until I am finished my semester of college. I'm not really sure what kind of answer I am looking for, but any help or suggestions or insight at all would be greatly appreciated.
~Julie |
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Janice
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Post subject: Re: I have commitment phobia
Posted: Nov 21, 2006 - 01:33 AM
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Site Admin
Joined: Mar 19, 2004
Posts: 228
Location: New York City
Status: Offline
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Hi Julie,
I assume that you read both of my articles, The Last Word on Commitment Phobia, and Commitment--Gain or Loss?. In the articles, I define commitment phobia as, "an unrealistic fear of making a promise, a pledge or a vow to be a faithful and loyal partner to another person."
The advice and suggestions I gave in the articles were meant for singles who have fears, but not necessarily anxiety. Singles with commitment phobia frequently say that they enjoy being in relationships, but can't really take them any further because of their fears. It's their fears that keep them from developing and maintaining committed, intimate relationships, not anxiety.
It sounds like you're experiencing extreme anxiety, which I can only imagine is very distressing for you. You seem to have an idea as to why you feel this way -- "issues with my father.. and bad role models. I am deathly afraid of hurting people." And you realize that psychotherapy would be necessary to help you better understand the forces behind your anxieties and behaviors.
My best suggestion is -- don't wait to get into psychotherapy! Finding reasons not to engage in the recovery process is just a perpetuation of your commitment phobia. Start interviewing some therapists NOW so that you can find a loving, gratifying relationship sooner, not later.
Good luck! |
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meenakshi
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Post subject: RE: Re: I have commitment phobia
Posted: Jul 14, 2008 - 12:09 AM
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Joined: Jul 14, 2008
Posts: 1
Status: Offline
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Hi Julie,
I don't know if you check this site anymore - but the problem you described is exactly what I go through every time I try to date someone. I have never heard of anyone having a problem like this which is why I am writing you to see if you have made any progress in tackling it... it would be great to hear what kinds of strategies you've used. I have just started therapy but am at a loss about where it is going to go... any input would be great! |
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