He Says/She Says Forum - should I stop waiting and tell him how I feel? jrenee - Mar 23, 2010 - 02:12 PM Post subject: should I stop waiting and tell him how I feel?
I just found this website Sorry this is long, I tend to explain situations as fully as I can and this is something that's been going on for quite a while. I appreciate the any help!
I met a guy (D.) about four years ago when he and I were working at the same place. He was always calling me his buddy & finding an excuse to be around me.
I worked with him for a year, quit that job, went to study in Australia for a year and a half during which I lost touch with him, and then I got in touch with him again about six months after I got back home. I contacted him and he started going out to dinner with me & two mutual former co-workers once a month. Once again, all his attention was on me during those dinners regardless of the other two, just like it was back when we were working together. The first dinner I had with him, he tells me, "call anytime when you want to go out drinking." Because I was shy, I didn't single him to drink with at that time.
Fast forward eight months and we have our monthly dinner with our two friends. Both cancelled, so I texted D asking if he still wanted to go out. He calls me straight back saying that of course he does. We go out to dinner, and all of a sudden he's nervous, he pays for me for the first time, and he walks me to my car. It felt like he was treating it as a date. The next week we go out again. I put my hand on his arm without realizing it while I'm talking, and I think that breaking the touch barrier was what caused him to pull me in for a hug for no reason before we left. It gave me a feeling he was hinting for a kiss, but he didn't do it. And from there on, just the two of us have been going out to dinner for the past almost five months now. Only thing is, we're not clearly dating and he hasn't made the move to kiss me which would be a pretty clear indication to me that he wants to be more than friends.
While it's not clear what we are doing & it probably doesn't help that I'm pretty dense when it comes to dating, things have only been getting better between us in the last five months.
-We go out 2-3 times a month since both of us only have Saturday off. It seems to me that since he only has four days a month off, that he's making time for me. He's also asked me out to New Year's (but it didn't happen because of a family emergency) and he's mentioned fishing trips for us in the spring.
-Back at the beginning I mentioned wanted to get my first tattoo, he quickly offered to take me. We went at 12pm, took about 20 minutes, and we stayed together for four hours before spending about five hours at dinner. He spends an extradinary amount of time with me considering our busy lives.
-It felt at one point early on that I was the only one doing the initiating as far as setting up our dinners. He told me that he knew I'd be calling on a Thurs/Fri for dinner, so basically he left it up to me. So trying to get him to just call me up one weekend asking me out, I told him jokingly that he never calls me (even though he would to answer my texts). Thus he called me a few days later on his break just to say hi for the first time.
-Since then, he's now started calling me up on his own to talk for a couple of hours and then ask me out for that weekend. And if he doesn't hear from me in a while (he knows my habits), then he'll give me a call.
-He also started physically flirting with me about three months ago (tickling, rubbing my shoulder, finding stupid excuses to hold my hand, etc), but it wasn't until a few weeks ago that he started getting extremely flirty (massaging my feet, hugging me for silly reasons, leaning against me the whole dinner if we're at a restraurant with a booth, tickling all over my body, more stupid excuses to hold my hand, etc).
-He's always there for me when I need him, we'll talk hours on the phone (one night it was for nine hours straight not that we planned it that way), he's always offering to help me out, he's a complete gentlemen, and he always pays for dinner. Basically he treats me extremely well. He'll make comments like, "are you parents worried about the guy you're going out with?" and he'll ask what my mom thinks of him, etc.
At first it felt like he was being an amazing male friend, but it's always felt like more at the same time. My other male friends all insist that they would never spend so much money & so much time on a girl if they weren't interested. They're telling me that I have to make the move to either kiss him or tell him how I feel because even though D is confident, we started as friends so he may not want to ruin things. And from my own experience, none of my male friends have ever treated me this way and so well unless they were interested in me.
Which brings me to last week. We were on the phone and he was making a comment about how he's a likeable guy. I sighed thinking about how I went from thinking of him only as a friend to wanting more starting late last year. He asked what was up, but I told him that I didn't want to say it over the phone since it's not the proper thing to do, but that it was a good thing. And since then, that's when the full on flirting started along with him contacting me even more. He still wants to know and has asked twice now--
So I'm wondering if he even seems interested or if he does only see me as a good friend? Sex has not been involved and we've known each other for a long time, so I know he's not using me at least. And I'm wondering I should tell him how I feel? I have a feeling that a) he knows and b) it won't matter if he doesn't feel the same way considering his personality. I'm just tired of waiting for him to actually make a definite move, but of course I'm still hesitant.Janice - Apr 04, 2010 - 09:59 PM Post subject:
Wow! Your story is fascinating! You've spent months and months with D. and he has never made any kind of move on you, physically, nor said anything about wanting to date you? I can only come up with hypotheses, so that is what I will do. After which, I will make a suggestion.
I suspect, that he is very very scared of rejection. This may be because of something that happened in a previous relationship, or because he has a physical deformity he is hiding. Consequently, he needs to feel ultra-sure before taking the next step to become a romantic couple. Tickling and touching is a rather immature way of making a physical connection, so I'm also not sure just how mature of a man he is (You didn't say how old D. is).
There is also the possibility that he is gay, so having a close friendship with you provides him with a cover. Alternatively, he may be gay and not want to engage in homosexual behaviors any more, and doesn't really know how to be in a straight relationship.
Figuring out what YOU want is the first step. Do you want to have a romantic relationship with D.? If so, then you have to tell him your interest and ask him if he feels the same way. So far,,, just waiting for it to happen hasn't worked. So you will need to take the initiative. If he's not interested, or he has some fear that he can't get over, then at least the two of you know you have a solid friendship. In the meantime, I suggest you let him know that you are looking for a committed, exclusive relationship with a man, and if it's not going to be with him, then you will eventually find it with someone else.
Sorry this is long, I tend to explain situations as fully as I can and this is something that's been going on for quite a while. I appreciate the any help!