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kim - Aug 22, 2009 - 08:38 PM
Post subject: I'm confused .... do you think he is too ?

Hi I met this really nice man about 4mons ago maybe a bit longer than that ... initially I thought of him only as a friend because we are from different countries , cultures and there's a big age difference. He was contacting me daily and we were going out a lot often to eat with his friends or mine or ours . He was so nice and also so sweet towards my daughter including her as well .... that I really began to like him. Intimacy began to develope slowly a kiss here there and then built up until we finally had sex more than once and it was great. Kept seeing him the same amount and he always insisted on paying etc etc.... so after a couple of mons of seeing eachother at least 3x a week and hearing from him everyday I finally decided to ask him what was up. Well to my shock horror he basically said he saw me as his best friend was not seeing anyone else wanted things to remain exactly the same did not mind if I dated someone as long as they were a nice person blah blah .... I basically said .... " I was clear... and that I did not sleep with my friends " and stopped communicating with him.... well

he has continued .... once he asked me why I was angry another time he asked why I was hurt I told him HE KNEW and he said his life was just a mess. sooooo..... here is the thing.... he continues to contact me now about 3x a week instead of daily. He brings presents and insists on being in my life whenever he can there has been no intimacy . He has even visited some of my friends. I can tell the spark is still there for example last week I asked him for some help with something instead of helping me on the phone he suddenly turned up at my door decked out and spent hours just to be near by and again brought prezzies . I'm confused .... I keep thinking maybe he Does see me as a best friend.... and is trying hard to keep me in his life but have to admit it is obvious there is still chemistry there and he is the one to initiate almost all contact and he gets bummed if I don't reply right away. Yesterday for example he called 2x and wanted to talk and talk ... I finally said I needed to go so today I texted saying Hi, how was your day? He took hours to respond and then was very friendly but said he was busy l8tz ugh! Its like he believes that all communication should be initiated by him. That's not a 'friend' is it? Very confused.

Janice - Sep 02, 2009 - 03:26 AM
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This is not your usual "friends with benefits" situation. In fact, I'm not sure if this man is your "friend" if he tries to control his interactions with you, as well as dismiss your feelings so easily. Basically, the two of you are hovering over "the friend zone," without making any kind of commitment to each other. But while I don't truly understand what you are asking of me, I do have a few pointers that might be helpful to you.

It's important to understand that the 'spark" or the "chemistry" you feel with this man doesn't mean what I suspect you think it means -- that you are destined to be together. It only means that you are attracted to each other on a physical level. A real relationship requires more than just physical attraction. It requires mutual respect, mutual interests, as well as mutual values and life goals. Do you have those with this man? If the answer is "no" or "I don't know," then you need to put aside your fantasies and figure out the realities of where your lives are and where they are going.

I also think it's important that you realize how your "waffling" is contributing to his confusing behavior. Further, if you see that keeping him in your life as a friend gives him permission to continue to attempt to manipulate you, then you are inviting these problems. So you should decide whether or not you want him in your life in "the friend zone", or not, period. And stick to it.

Finally, you need to understand that you get what you think you deserve in life. If you think you deserve to be treated with respect, with kindness and with integrity, then you will seek out others who will treat you that way. If you don't believe you deserve those things, then you won't get it. It's up to you.

But as for this man, trying to keep things as a "friendship" may not be working to help you in your life, it's only holding you back. I say -- cut him loose and find it within yourself to do better next time. Good luck!

Rina - Mar 23, 2010 - 01:12 PM
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I'm wondering if there is anyone else out there that has my problem.

I've been seeing a guy for a couple of months (catching up for lunch and emailing each other most days). Recently we became more intimate (kissing and sex) and he has also told me that he has been single because he's afraid of commitment.

Ironically, this is also the same reason I have been single although my phobia doesn't seem as severe as his and mine is probably more lack of self-esteem.

I am trying to change but most of the time I don't even realise I'm pushing people away. He usually acts distant but considers us a couple. Anyone been in this situation where both couple have the commitment problem? Maybe it's a recipe for doom? At the moment all I think I should do is continue for a few months (if it lasts that long) and see how successful we both are at changing.

Janice - Apr 04, 2010 - 09:45 PM
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When both members of a relationship have problems with commitment, aka "commitment phobia," then what would make either of you think that your relationship has any lasting potential?

You say

Quote:

I think I should do is continue for a few months (if it lasts that long) and see how successful we both are at changing.

Continuing in a relationship without any kind of plan will, inevitably, spell doom (as you suspect). One of you will eventually have to broach the subject of becoming exclusive. It will not happen on its own!

I suggest you start by consciously determining if this man possesses the qualities and character traits you want and need in a relationship. Observe him over time. Remember that you are in the control seat as to whether or not you want to become an exclusive, committed couple. If he's on the same page, then great! If not, then you have enough information with which to move on. And BTW --- going about a relationship in this conscious way has the benefit of improving your self-esteem. So good luck![/quote]

Rina - Apr 05, 2010 - 12:39 PM
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Thanks Janice I'll consider your advice