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jessicaharris - May 28, 2009 - 10:07 AM
Post subject: Young in age and experience

Dear love doctor,

I am a 23 year old female living in baltimore md. I don't really have that much experience in dating, and in my mind, it is because I have standards too high ( however that probably isn't the case. after all if u stand for nothing you will fall for anything right?) Anyway I recently met a 28 year old man from the south. He has so many of those southern values that I find attractive, and for lack of a better word, manly. Anyway, we met at work. We started hanging out afterwards and became close friends. All of that elevated (to what im not sure) and a sexual relationship began. We still have a good time hanging out as friends, but Im starting to feel that I "like him" more than he "likes me". I am used to casual sexual relationships (no matter how bad it may sound) and that may be because i'm afraid of getting hurt, so I keep people at a distance. After a few months of this "relationship" I asked him "what was up with us" meaning where is this going. He replied "nothing". That was it. I realize that this is the do or die question for most guys, and I hate the fact that I've now made myself vulnerable, and maybe I have scared him off. I don't know know where to go from here, because I'm sure that we could have a wonderful relationship, however, I don't know which avenues to take at this point. Any and all advice would be appreciated. Please help.

New To This
Baltimore, MD.

Janice - Jun 08, 2009 - 09:08 PM
Post subject:

There's a little twisted logic going on here. You say

Quote:

am used to casual sexual relationships (no matter how bad it may sound) and that may be because i'm afraid of getting hurt, so I keep people at a distance.

. . . but becoming sexually involved with someone actually increases intimacy, not keeps them at a distance.

Therefore, feeling vulnerable and "liking him" now is a result of your own doing. And thinking that you can change the relationship from something casual into a "wonderful relationship" is basically unrealistic. You are now wanting to change the rules on which your relationship was founded. This is why, when you asked him where he thought things were going with you, he said, "nothing." This only because a "do or die" question for him because he never put out any ideas that he was interested in your relationship becoming anything more than what it was -- a casual hook-up thing.

You've asked "what avenues to take" now that you know his position, and I'm sorry to be pessimistic, but I don't think there are any avenues leading to a different relationship with him. Instead, I suggest that you look at yourself and decide what you really want in a relationship. It sounds to me like you want more of a meaningful connection with a man. Start by talking and sharing your emotions, and you'll be on the right road to the right kind of intimacy. Good luck!