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He Says/She Says Forum - Is he interested in me?

Janice - Oct 28, 2005 - 09:43 PM
Post subject: Is he interested in me?

I recently received this question from a woman: I met this guy. He's colleague of mine. Briefly, what happen was he loves my companionship, thats one thing that I'm pretty sure about. But I'm kinda unsure if he likes me more than just as a friend. He always says stuffs like 'Where have you been all this while?' and 'what am i gonna do without you?' and sometimes tries to make jokes by telling me "I love you" and stuff like that. I think he likes me but he also said that it's a bad idea to date a colleague.

So the situation here is that I sort of know that he likes me but something else is keeping him away. Sometimes it annoys me that he goes yoyo about this. What should I do? I do like him but not yet to be a boyfriend. I'm not looking forward to having any relationship with him but friendship for time being. What should i do? Should I give him a chance since I feel comfortable with him too or should I just ignore this and wait for what happens. At this moment I'm giving it up and just being a bit cold.

Anonymous - Oct 29, 2005 - 02:46 PM
Post subject: RE: Is he interested in me?

I think this person needs to ask herself ... regardless of her uncertainty at this point ... "can I see myself with this person in a romantic relationship?" Does he possess the qualities that I value? Am I even slightly attracted to him, or do I think I could be? If the answer is yes or maybe, then it seems to me that a frank discussion is in order. If it needs to be initiated by the woman, so be it. Or she can just wait until the next time it comes up in conversation. The "frank discussion" is basically ... we seem to like each other ... why not take a chance. Plenty of people who work together end up dating and getting married. We just need to understand the risks and understand that if there is a breakup, it will be a little more unpleasant than most.

L.

h - Oct 30, 2005 - 09:45 AM
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This is a simple one: Do not date people you work with. Hmm... that did not come across right. Let me try again: DO NOT DATE PEOPLE YOU WORK WITH. That still did not come across right. Here we go again: DO NOT DATE PEOPLE YOU WORK WITH. I hope that make the point clear.

There are so many problems with that that I do not even know where to begin. The breakup is an obvious one, but the least of your worries. Both of you can be shown the door if this is against the written company policy -- remember the document you supposedly read before signing it the first day of work. Both of you can be shown the door if someone else complains that your relationship is creating a sexually charged atmosphere at work, A.K.A. sexual harassment. If a third party observes his comments and decides to take offense, he can be shown the door for sexual harassment -- no, you do not need to be offended, an uninvolved third party observing the consensual conduct can feel sexually harassed. Even if no one complains, the HR department may decide to show him the door just as a precaution before someone does complain.

The bottom line is that someone needs to sit this guy down and teach him the etiquettes of behaving the post 70's professional environment. It has been a looooong time since the 70's were over, it is time someone let him know.

Anonymous - Oct 30, 2005 - 05:25 PM
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H.,

I couldn't disagree with you more.

Eliminating people that you work with (for many) is half the people they every meet. Add to that the fact that you already have a lot in common. There couldn't possibly be better people to date than those you work with.

I work for one of the largest corporations in America. Yes ... there are guidelines that people who are dating seriously, engaged, or married shouldn't work under the same 2nd line organization. But that's it ... if it happens and people become aware of it, one person is moved to another part of the organization. No big deal. I can't even begin to tell you how many married couples I know who met at work. To blindly eliminate that source of meeting people I feel is a big big mistake.

Now ... I'm no saying that it isn't a good idea to be careful. One also must realize that if one gets involved with someone at work, both parties have to exercise discretion. You cannot walk through the halls holding hands or kissing. And in fact, it's probably not a good idea to even be seen "hanging out" together with any frequency.

L.

Anonymous - Oct 30, 2005 - 11:33 PM
Post subject:

L,

We can agree to disagree, but I think the real problem is that we are looking at two different situations and I claim that mine is far more prevalent than yours.

You are very right that in very large companies like yours, dating at work is not only a reality, but discouraging it would be counterproductive and impractical. This is evidenced in a written and well understood policy on dating at work at your company. If two people do get involved, transferring one to a different department is a good solution and a very practical option for such a company.

However, most people in America work for much smaller companies. If there is only one 5 person accounting department and two accountants get involved, where are you going to transfer one of them? How bad would things get if one of the other people in the departments had the hearts for the person or had been previously involved?

A large company is also equipped to handle things if things do go sour. They typically have large HR departments with qualified and trained individuals to handle such situations and the resources to dedicate to a crisis. In smaller companies, it is usually the department managers that are handling the HR functions in addition to all their other tasks and have neither the aptitude nor the training to handle a situation that goes sour. If they dedicate a large portion of their time managing a personnel crisis, the ?real? work of the department suffers. In this situation, ?we are just not going to go there? is the best solution, both for the company and the individuals.

Bottom line: Your analysis is correct for those that work for large companies. However, I maintain that that is not true for smaller companies that employ a vast majority of Americans.

H

h - Oct 30, 2005 - 11:36 PM
Post subject:

P.S. I did not mean to post the above anonymously. I did not notice that I had been logged out of the site.

H

Janice - Oct 31, 2005 - 08:51 PM
Post subject: Is he interested in me?

I hesitated posting again on this topic since it appeared that L & h were doing a good job stating and defending the various positions inherent in the practice of dating someone with whom you work.

My position is simply to err on the side of caution. Of course, if a person signs an employment agreement with an explicit "no fraternization" policy, then dating a co-worker will clearly jeopardize their employment. Some companies informally "recommend" to employees that they not date other employees, but do not enforce it all that strongly, unless and until other employees complain.

But what should the woman who originally asked this question do? I think an approach that combines what both L. & h said -- first, be sure to check all of your employment agreement records to see what the rules are about fraternizing with your co-workers. Since it's true that many couples do meet through their jobs, then see if this man would be interested in meeting you for a drink outside of the office, alone, rather than enlisting him to work on a job project with you. You'll know if he's interested in you by how he responds.

EditorEsther - Nov 07, 2005 - 05:21 AM
Post subject: RE: Is he interested in me?

Not to be the site cynic here, but it's my experience that when a guy behaves this way, it's because he feels you're "safe" to flirt with without having to act on his words and therefore encounter a potential rejection. He may feel you're friends and that he can joke around with you without any reprecussions, professional or personal.

And if you're in that Friend Zone and are interested...well, good luck to you, because once a guy sees you a certain way, you're pretty much stuck there. Unless you suddenly become a supermodel and grace the cover of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue...then he'll look at you differently. And often.

Anonymous - Nov 07, 2005 - 09:31 PM
Post subject: RE: Is he interested in me?

You mentioned that he said dating a colleague is a bad idea. Take him at his word.

If he hasn't made a move to ask you out then he's not interested in more than friendship with you. In my experience if a guy really likes a woman and wants to date her he'll make his interest known.

If you're not sure about dating him anyway then keep it strictly a friendship, but make new ones. And try not to let his wishy washy behavior affect you.

SMR

Anonymous - Nov 07, 2005 - 11:11 PM
Post subject: RE: Is he interested in me?

In reply to the first post - dont be so sure he is into you in that way. People flirt for too many reasons to list othar than being romatically interested. Every guy Ive ever known who had a romatic interest in a work colleague would take it to the next step, typically the ambiguous "lets get lunch/drinks" where he can feel you out a bit more..If he didnt take it there, then dont worry about it, he may not be interested like that..

Anonymous - Nov 08, 2005 - 03:08 PM
Post subject: Is He Interested in Me

There is the Fellow who we go to the same chiropractor, he walks in the room and there will another female patient and he will come over touch me ask me how I am doing, he always touch me when he sees me, he will speak to the other female he will not touch her or ask her how she is doing. He always look me straight in the eyes when he talks to me. I love his personality. He always touches me on my shoulder or back and he will keep his hands there for a while to.

Anonymous - Nov 08, 2005 - 07:33 PM
Post subject: RE: Is He Interested in Me

EditorEsther wrote -

Quote:

"Not to be the site cynic here, but it's my experience that when a guy behaves this way, it's because he feels you're "safe" to flirt with without having to act on his words and therefore encounter a potential rejection. He may feel you're friends and that he can joke around with you without any reprecussions, professional or personal. And if you're in that Friend Zone and are interested...well, good luck to you, because once a guy sees you a certain way, you're pretty much stuck there."

I disagree. What you described isnt the Friend Zone. What you described is a guy who is totally interested/attracted, but doesnt want to risk rejection or deal with the possible intimacy, so he is allowed to express his feelings without getting hurt (by innocently flirting). Uh, if thats the case, and you are mutually interested, you gotta let him know - but do it in a way that wont scare him off..
The Friend Zone is where the guy has no interest. He doesnt act NOT because he is scared of rejection, because taher because he just isnt interested. He may flirt to try to win your attraction and feed his insecure ego, but not cause he is interested.

Anonymous - Nov 09, 2005 - 01:27 AM
Post subject: RE: Is He Interested in Me

I completely agree with the last poster. EditorEsther has I believe made statements like this before here. She seeks to generalize every romantic situation to the point where she seems to feel that every man has to fit into the same mold ... and also seems to "require" that men be aggressive and always be willing to take risks in every situation. Well, men aren't all like that. And there are plenty of successful couples out there who got together by the woman being flirtateous (to demonstrate interest to the man and therefore make him more comfortable with making that move) or with the woman acting more friendly towards him than to others (for the same reason) or even in a few cases where the woman actually either asked the man out or directly expressed interest to him. And it doesn't say anything about the man's prowess, sexuality, manliness, ability to provide security/support, etc. You don't really know what the man is thinking, what the reasons for his actions are, or what he's really like on the inside as a lover and mate ... and to make the assumption that you do is foolish. Could he turn out to be a wimp and completely unsuitable for you? Sure. But you can't possibly know that up front. But he could also be

- seeing someone else and not sure whether he wants to date you
- unsure of whether he's interested in you (which could change if you show interest)
- been recently hurt and is hesitant to get involved again

and a whole host of other possibilities.

I think some people watch too much television.

L.

Janice - Nov 11, 2005 - 02:05 PM
Post subject: Is he interested?

I think that L. makes a good point about how women can show their interest in a guy by acting in a friendly or even flirtatious way. It's nice to have his perspective here, indicating that men are capable of being responsive to a woman's overtures. However, EditorEsther also makes a good point by saying that if a man sees a woman in the "Friend Zone" (a very descriptive term btw Wink

), he will not pick up on any of these moves or signs, nor will he act on them. His radar is just not pointed in that direction, no matter how obvious a woman is communicating her interest.

This is why I advocate using verbal approaches. While I admit that it can take the romance and mystery out of things, I think that if a woman wants to know if a guy is interested in her, and he's apparently not responding to her non-verbal cues and clues, that she ask him directly if he would be interested in going out for coffee after a work-out, for example, or a charity event. Asking "do you want to hang out some time?" might only really express an interest in friendship, especially in certain age groups.

Also, asking the guy up front -- "are you married?" "do you have a girlfriend?" "are you seeing someone exclusively?" -- also communicates an interest. However, women have complained that men will say that they are not seeing anyone, go out for coffee after the gym, and even arrange seeing a movie together, which makes them think that the guy is interested in a relationship outside of the "friend zone." But they're not. So guys -- you have to send clear signals to a woman you're interested in also!

Anonymous - Nov 14, 2005 - 10:31 PM
Post subject: RE: Is he interested?

This Fellow at the Doctor's office Dad passed away last week, so when I heard about it I brought him a card and he told me about the funeral, how his Mom was doing how he cried the whole week and when he was in the shower, I told him to take care of hisself and if he was eating, and if he needed anything to ask me, he gave me a hug abd thank me. told me to have a good day. Today Monday when I saw him at the Doctor he was kind of quiet but he thanked me for the card. Is he still interested in me?

Janice - Nov 15, 2005 - 01:22 AM
Post subject: Is he interested in me?

To the last "Guest" who posted about a man she met at her doctor's office. At first I wondered if he was actually your doctor. If he was, then you would have had to wait until you were no longer his patient to pursue a romantic relationship.

Now it appears as though it is someone who works at your doctor's office. . . and his father just passed away. So, it's possible that he gave you a hug in response to your condolences, which is appropriate and nice. However, people who are grieving and mourning over the fresh loss of a parent do not make be the best candidates to date. It would be difficult to tell if he's actually interested in you; he may just be responding to your nice card and concern, and that's it for the present time

I say, be friendly and supportive for another month or two. He's going through a lot. Then see if he's still as attentive to you then as he had been in the past.

Anonymous - Nov 17, 2005 - 05:37 PM
Post subject: RE: Is he interested?

In response to Janice - even if you are in the Friend Zone, guys still pick up on the signals. We just ignore them. Healthy guys will make sure you know that we are not interested. (e.g. we will talk about other women we like) Its the guys who know the woman is interested, but dont let them know that they are not mutually interested, who you should stay away from. They are generally insecure and love the attention.
As to Guest, dont assume the guy was ever interested..

Anonymous - Nov 17, 2005 - 10:02 PM
Post subject: RE: Is he interested?

As a guy, must disagree with the last poster. He (like an earlier poster) conveniently tries to place all guys into the same mold and behavior patterns. That's not the way the world is ... and many of us stuggle every day because we make assumptions that all people will react in a predictive manner ... it boils down to generalizations and bias.

You can't assume anything or take anything for granted. You may be sending signals to a guy ... he may pick up on them ... he may not. He may be interested, he may not be. If he's interested and he does pick up on the signals, he may be too shy to respond aggressively right away. It may take him a few days/weeks of "signals" or he may never respond or pick up on them. Does any of this mean you should jump to the conclusion that he's insecure? No way. I have seen (unusual) situations where "signals" have been passed between a gal and a guy off and on ... iterally for months ... and for one reason or another ... the guy didn't respond at first and they ended up as a couple.

Bottom line is don't try to categorize all people into one mold or one behavior pattern. Trust me, there are perfectly secure, confident guys out there who are just a little shy up front (and gals also, by the way) and sometimes all they need is a little encouragement.

L.

Anonymous - Nov 22, 2005 - 04:42 PM
Post subject: Is he interested in me

To Janice I am not interested in my Doctor. It a patient who comes in when I do and all of a sudden he would walked in the room and touch me and ask me how I am doing, it could be other woman in the room also, he would just speak to them. The he would just touch my shoulder when he sees me or my back, he just has to touch me. He would look me straight in the eyes when we would talk about family or a general conversation. The he Dad passed away two weeks so so I brought him a card and he talk to me a long time the last week with his Dad and he told me about the funeral, I ask how his Mom was doing. So the next day he thank me for the card, but he has been quiet and Iam sure he is still grieving. So I ask him yesterday how was him Mom and he said he picked her up over the weekend and brought herup here for Thanksgiving for a week. I should have ask him how he was doing but I will ask him that tomorrow when I see him. Now I am lost on if he is still interested in me or what.

Janice - Nov 22, 2005 - 05:16 PM
Post subject: Is he interested in me?

From what I can tell Linda, you see this guy frequently enough. You are friendly with him and he is responsive to your attempts at conversation. He touches you, which can mean a lot of things. However, he hasn't initiated any conversations with you, nor has he asked anyone you work with, or who knows you, if you're single.

Touching another person while speaking varies from culture to culture, person to person. I don't get that it means anything close to being "interested" in you. Because if he was, he'd have attempted to pursue you by now.

Now that his mother is in town, that might make it more difficult for him to ask you out, given also that his father just died. I think that he's interested in you as nothing more than just someone he knows who is friendly to him. Maybe others will disagree, but if a guy is interested, he'll pursue it, especially since you've been very friendly and warm towards him, suggesting that you'd be responsive to his pursuits.

EditorEsther - Nov 28, 2005 - 07:21 PM
Post subject: RE: Is he interested?

About my last post, L said:
<i>She seeks to generalize every romantic situation to the point where she seems to feel that every man has to fit into the same mold ... and also seems to "require" that men be aggressive and always be willing to take risks in every situation. Well, men aren't all like that. </i>

Firstly, generally speaking, I hate generalizations. That only sounds like a joke. I am always the first one to recognize that each situation and individual is different. True, not "all men" are anything. But it's been <b>my experience</b> (hey, look at that, those words again) that the men I've encountered who flirt in this way mean absolutely nothing by it, no matter how intimate their gestures, expressions and verbal repartee happens to be. And it's not that I wait for men to make the first verbal overture, because waiting gets me nowhere. The men I've met and been interested in have lacked the assertiveness necessary to ask someone out (not just me, anyone). So I don't wait, and get slammed EVERY time. So what's a girl to learn? There's only so many times I'm going to lay my palm flat on a burner before I singe myself beyond recognition. Does that make me a rabid generalizer, or a cautious person who's looking after herself? (And now that I've uttered a rhetorical question, I know that there will be others who think they have the answer.)

Anonymous - Nov 29, 2005 - 03:29 AM
Post subject: RE: Is he interested?

Hi Esther.

Well ... I'm very sorry to hear that your advances or attempts haven't met up with positive responses from men. I understand why you would want to be cautious. But let me ask you something. What is inherently different about a man ... that he is "immune" to the same "singing" from laying THEIR palms on the burner? Don't you think that I've been rejected more times that I could have counted if I wanted to? And frankly, I am not at all saying that women should always be the one to ask men out. All I am saying is that there ARE times when SOME men just need that extra showing of interest or flirtation to get them over the hump to make the move. It works both ways you know ... men (in spite of the fact that you seem to think that they should be immune to fear of rejection) suffer from some of the same fears. I've seen examples ... and in fact ... experienced it myself where having that subtle flirtation or "showing of interest" helped me make that move. And the need for it says nothing about how the man will "perform" in a relationship. It merely says that the man has the same need to avoid rejection that women do. Also, there is something to be said for flirtateousness being a turnon ... and "provoking" a relationship where one might not have developed without it.

I wish you good fortune and good luck in your search.

L.

h - Nov 30, 2005 - 12:22 AM
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Esther did not generalize about all men, she generalized about all the men that she has met/known/experienced. It is a very very small subset of all men (unless she gets around a lot more than she is leading us to believe Smile

) and leads to the question: Why is she choosing those men?

I know this is an extreme example, but I think it gets a point across. A few days ago I went for a haircut to a new hairdresser. She is about 25, really attractive, well spoken, extremely good at what she does and considering her rates and how busy she is, most probably in the top couple of percent of earners in her profession. She also has 3 kids from 3 different men that she was never married to. Has restraining orders against all three men, none of whom has ever paid a cent in child support. She is living with a boyfriend who is unemployed and physically abusive. I tried to encourage her to get out of the current situation and her position was that what is the point, all men are like that and all it would do is that she will find herself with another guy who will be abusing her while she is looking over her shoulder for four men instead of three.

In this woman?s experience, all men are physically abusive. That is all she has known and the four most significant men in her life (I am guessing that these are the most significant ones) are like that. Thank we can all agree on two points: There are physically abusive men out there and not all men are like that; not even most men are like that. Yet, has this woman managed to find 4 of them! Why? How? Could it be that at a subconscious level this is what she is seeking? If you find yourself in the same undesirable situation time after time, you need to examine yourself, your sources of attraction (conscious and subconscious) your choices and why you are making those choices, rather than pointing the fingers at others.

Anonymous - Nov 30, 2005 - 12:46 AM
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H. You make a good point here. This can be a pervasive issue for many singles ... seeking out the very candidates that end up hurting us or who are not suitable for us. But ... on the other hand ... there are instances where generalizations are appropriate. I'm not sure which is the case for Esther. But men ... especially in the NYC area ... can also be very superficial ... can be very aloof ... and can be very fussy also. On top of that, many men are really really bad at picking up signals of interest from women. There are lots of good reasons why Esther may have met the reaction that she has ... and it may or may not be anything she's doing ... although your theory does (as I said above) have some merit in certain situations.

L.

Janice - Dec 05, 2005 - 11:31 PM
Post subject: Is he interested in me?

I keep getting these questions -- I have been dating this guy for a month. He currently just got out of a long-term relationship and want to take things slow. I understand that so I agreed.We go out a lot but he barely call me, and I always have to call him. What's going on here? Sadie

And this one too --
I met a guy through a friend and have been dating for about 6 wks now. A week ago I ended up in the hospital with minor surgery and he was not there. Prior to going to the hospital I was at his house. He went to work and I went home. From there I went to the hospital. He went home after work and called the next morning. By then I was home from the hospital.

I feel he should have been at the hospital with me. He works one full time job as a Fire Fighter two 24hr days a week and 8 hours other days Mon-Fri. That particular morning he went to his 8 hour job late. I am worried that he will not be there to support me since he didn't come to the hospital. Is that a sign?

This happened on 11/25 and I have not seen him since. But we do talk on the phone almost every day. The conversation is really good, but I am not sure about him really being there for me. He is single with no children and his own place. I have two children, single, with my own place. What do you think about my situation? Is he the one for me? Is he not into me that much? Are things moving to quickly? I am confused about our relationship. It seems as though he likes me a lot, but will not drop a hat for me. Do you know what I mean? Kelly

In both of your questions, I don't see these guys as being interested in you more than what is easy for them. But I'd like to hear what others think.