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Dear Janice, I read the “From Virtual to Actual” article and want to know more about what you mean by “pseudo-intimacy.” When I’m dating a woman, I want it to be real, and not be fooled into thinking it is real, when it isn’t. Pete

Dear Pete, I use the term “pseudo-intimacy” to describe the level of closeness that two people feel when they have never met in person, and are only “dating” by email, I.M. and telephone. As I mentioned in my December 12th '03 post, using the telephone can help not only to gather information about your dating partner, but also as a way of increasing intimacy. When I referred to dating over the phone in that post, it presumed having already met in person. That way, talking on the phone would be a way of maintaining whatever emotional intimacy that you experienced when you met in person, and even increase it.

Dear Janice: I am a woman who recently went to a singles event where the conversation eventually got to “whose fault is it that singles can't get married?” The women blame the men for being too commitment phobic, for example, and the men blame the women for looking only for a good meal ticket (for example). What do you think is the problem, and what do you think is the solution? Marcia

Dear Marcia: You bring up a very important question that I can only really begin to answer. I don’t think that it's the fault of any gender specifically. While one may witness “tendencies,” I think it unfair to make a hard and fast rule that blames one gender or the other.

Q. I am a divorced man with three children whom I am actively co-parenting with my ex-wife. I recently re-entered the dating scene, but am confused about what to look for now since, as a father, my circumstances are different than they were when I dated prior to my marriage. What should I be looking for in a wife now?

A. I commend you for continuing to be an active father in your children?s lives even though you are no longer married to their mother. I realize that co-parenting under these circumstances is challenging, but your children will definitely benefit from your continued involvement.

Yes, your circumstances are different now, and the women that are available to you are different too. As a father already, it’s important that you decide whether or not you want to have more children with a new wife, and that whatever you decide, you should communicate that desire to whomever you date. A divorced woman who also has children may make a suitable candidate for you, as you could have a lot in common being single parents. Blending families can be challenging, but also very rewarding, as well as stabilizing, for children and adults who have experienced divorce.

Hi Janice. Is dating a workaholic or a playboy the same as dating a married man? Sheila

Sheila, The answer I would give is no, it’s not the same. Someone who is single, and not married, although a workaholic, still has his personal life open for a relationship, although he is now filling that time by working. This is a person who eventually will either burn-out or realize that he needs some work-life balance going on in his life, which could then make room for obtaining the rewards of a relationship.

What should you do if you see “red flags” when you’re dating someone? This is a question that I received in various forms from a couple of women recently. It’s a rather tricky question to answer. Why? Because while there are some general red flags that might turn into a “deal-breaker,” different people have varying tolerances for imperfections that they notice in another person.

One way to answer this question is to ask yourself, “Even though he may have these imperfections or limitations, can I love and accept him despite them?” Another question to ask yourself is, “If I make a request for him to change something, will it really make that much of a difference? Will I then look for another imperfection and make that a reason to reject him?”

Dear Janice, About 4 months ago, I ended a relationship with a woman that I was dating for almost a year. Since then, I’ve had a hard time getting myself motivated to start dating again. I’ve come to terms with why the relationship had to end, but am hesitating to get back into the dating scene. I’m not really sure why I'm feeling this way. I’d like to find “Ms. Right” someday. Any suggestions? Bob

Dear Bob, When a man and a woman, each considering the other as a life partner, spend a lot of time together, it’s natural that they would become “emotionally attached.” Since I don’t know the specifics of your previous relationship, I can’t say if the degree to which you became emotionally attached was healthy or not. What I can say however, is that after a break-up, a person usually goes through a sort of grieving and mourning process. This is because when you’re dating someone, and doing so with the serious intention of seeing if she is Ms. Right, you have hopes and dreams that it'll all work out. When reality tells you (and you’re actually willing to listen to reality) that the two of you are not compatible, and should not continue being together, it can feel like a “death.” But it's not the death of the person that you have to adjust to, it’s the death of your hopes and dreams. But just like with the death of a person, the challenge before you is to re-orient yourself in the world without this person in your life. And get back into the game so that you give yourself the opportunity to find someone more suitable.

Hi Janice, What is the best way to break up with someone? Helene

Hi Helene, This is a tough question to answer. That’s because how you break up will depend on the level of commitment that you have with your dating partner. On one end of the spectrum, you may have no commitment in the relationship since you are only communicating via email. Further up the continuum, you may be communicating on phone, but still not meet F2F (face-to-face) date. Even further up the continuum, you may have had 3 to 5 F2F dates over the course of one to three months.

If any of these situations describe your current dating situation, where there really is no commitment, the best way to end the relationship is to do so “politely.” Most importantly, if you aren't in a committed relationship, then you are not obligated to give any reasons to explain your decision. For an “email- only” situation, I suggest that send a polite email saying, “I appreciate the time that you spent communicating with me, however, I don’t see our relationship going any further. Thanks for your time, and good luck in your search.” If you’ve graduated to the phone, you could say something similar, but preferably over the phone.

Dear Janice, I met a man over the internet 4 months ago and we have become great friends. We would talk on the phone a few times a week or more, send each other pictures. There was definately an attraction. Recently he came to visit some friends that live nearby as he’s thinking about moving here. I really like him; my problem is his TEETH. When he closes his mouth you can’t tell and he is really very attractive! His Bad Teeth are my only hold up--they are rotten, brown in between, and it makes his breath stink really bad. I know that he likes me very much and wants to visit again soon. What is the best way to go about this? I can’t let him slip away because of this, everything else was so perfect. This can be fixed, right? Please help! Jean

Dear Jean, The answer to your question about the problem with his teeth is –Yes, bad teeth can, of course, be easily fixed. But this doesn’t answer your question about the problem in your relationship.

The way that I understand it, this man’s Bad Teeth could be a “deal-breaker.” This means that everything else in the relationship works, but if this issue can’t be resolved, then the relationship can't go any further. So, if you’re looking to increase your committment, then you need to raise the issue.

Dear Karl, If this girl has told you that she wants to just remain friends, then I think that you should take her at her word. You have made yourself a very useful friend, too, by continuing to listen to her complain about her boyfriend and her fears about breaking up with him. If you didn’t have feelings for her, then this might not be such a bad friendship, if she was to reciprocate and listen to your dating problems also.

Dear Jill, Singles can often feel “less than” others purely because they are “partner-less.” However, singles who have a healthy self-esteem know that they are worthwhile and whole people regardless of their marital status. That self-understanding is key to eventually building and maintaining a successful relationship. People with self-esteem consider themselves as worthy to be loved and cared for by others; but order to achieve this reciprocity in a relationship, you have to love and care for yourself first.