• Home
• Login/Register
• 
  
• 
  Our Services
  
• Personal Coaching
• Relationship Coaching
• Teleclasses & Events
• Products
• Complimentary Session
• About Dr. Janice
• Testimonials
• 
  
• 
  Get Your Love Right!
  
• Blog
• Articles
• Q's & A's
• Archives Index
• e-Newsletter Signup
• 
  
• 
  Other Destinations
  
• Message Boards
• Reviews
• News
• Contact Us
• Recommend Us
• Affiliations & Links
• Banners
• AvantGo

Dear Kelley, While you may or may not be compatible with your boyfriend, the real concern is if both of you are truly ready to be in, and take on the responsibility of, an exclusive committed relationship. ConsciousDating.org has a Relationship Readiness Quiz that might be helpful. In the meantime, I have a few additional insights and suggestions that I hope will be helpful for you.

Recovering from a break-up, such as a divorce (obviously), requires going through a process of grieving and mourning. Each person has to find their way to accepting the new reality of being apart, after dreaming, hoping and living about being together. The grieving and mourning process takes time, and is preferably accomplished alone. You can read what I wrote about break-ups in a previous Q&A.

My boyfriend celebrated a birthday recently, and his mother had a get-together for the whole family. I assumed that I was excluded as I did not receive an invitation, yet my boyfriend went alone after concocting an argument with me over a trivial matter. While he acts like nothing's wrong, he later admitted that if I had attended then everyone would have left.

I feel that this is a dead-end for any type of relationship for us. Any ideas? Fay

Dear Fay, It appears that you already know the answer to Question #3 of "TheTop Ten Questions to Ask a Potential Life Partner" -- How important are family and children? Family life and involvement ARE important to your boyfriend and, based on the scenario you described, it appears to be a higher priority than being in a healthy relationship with you.

My boyfriend of two years has recently moved across the country for a job. I need to decide if I should move there to be with him. The issue is this -- we have known since the beginning of our relationship that he doesn't want kids and I do, or that is, I did. Prior to meeting him, I just assumed that one day I would have kids, not necessarily because I wanted them but because that's what everyone does. The more I think about it though, the more I realize that I have a choice.

I love him very much and am having a hard time imagining life without him. While I don't want kids now (I'm 27 and he's 32) , I don't know what my desires in that area will be in the future. I would like to move to where he is, but I fear the pain and heartache will be even worse if we break up after more years together if/when I decide I want kids. Please help! Thank you! Linda

Dear Linda: I want to congratulate you on wanting to address this discrepancy in your life goals with your boyfriend now, rather than pushing it under the rug and having to deal with it later. So while I do wonder why your boyfriend absolutely does not want children, I will gear my response to help you under the current circumstances of your relationship

The choice to have children is a different one for women than is is for men. You said that you "assumed that one day I would have kids," and this is because women are reminded on a monthly basis just what their anatomy and physiology is designed to do -- bear children. Coupled with your experiences interacting with siblings and other children throughout your life, if they were in the least bit positive, it's not unusual that you would assume that you would do what "everyone does" and have children of your own one day.

Dear Janice, I have been dating this girl for a few months. At first, things were fine but now she is not as affectionate as before. She has stopped being affectionate and intimate with me and she is real cynical about things in general. She keeps telling me to stick things out, that this is just a phase. I don't know whether to break up with her or try to stick it out like she asked. She acts like she could care less if we are in a relationship or not -- either way seems fine with her. I feel like we are at a crossroads. Are we? Doug

Dear Doug, Your girlfriend is obviously expressing, through her actions, her ambivalence about being in your relationship. Since it's difficult to translate anyone's behaviors into their true meanings, you need to hear what a person says. She told you that "this is just a phase," and she requested that you "stick things out."

I agree that your girlfriend's behavior is just what she says it is -- "a phase." But it's a phase in the relationship, not what she's going through on her own. That's because relationships go through pretty predictable phases. You are right when you wonder if you are at "a crossroads," because you are. It's the end of the "lust" phase of your relationship, where the newness and excitement of being with someone new begins to wear off. . . .

Hi Janice, I have been dating a guy for 6 months. On our 6 month anniversary he told me that he had made reservations at our favorite restaurant and I could leave the rest to my imagination. When I arrived at his home, he told me that I was his best friend and that he didn't want a relationship. Up to that point, he had not given any indication that he felt this way. Just 2 weeks prior to this, we had gone on vacation together and had a wonderful time. At his work, his co-workers told me that he talked about me all the time. What should I do? Dazed and Confused

Dear Dazed & Confused, The first thing I want to know is this-- did he actually take you to the restaurant for your anniversary dinner? Because I'm left wondering what this guy was really planning. Like he told you that he didn't want a relationship before dinner so he wouldn't have to actually go through with having to pay for dinner.

Nevertheless, it sounds like you never saw this coming and you are in a state of shock. I say that this is because you had taken it for granted that you shared the same relationship goal with your boyfriend. You took the vacation and the co-workers' talk as an indication that he wanted a future with you.

But did you two ever really talk about this?

Dear Janice, I have been in a commited relationship with John for the last 6 months. We have been living together for 4 of those. Everything is wonderful, except that I can't help checking his cell phone, which started when I spotted his ex's number on there. They dated on and off for about 4 years, and I worry that she wants it to be "on" again. She always calls him, he doesn't call her. We have discussed it and he said that she cheated on him and he would never go back to her. BTW - he also runs a business and she's a customer. I think he should politely tell her to stop calling for personal reasons, and that when she has business she should call the office instead. Am I wrong to be upset when she calls? I really believe that he wouldn't cheat on me, but I don't know her intentions. What should I do? Karen

A. Wow, Karen! Moving in together after knowing each other for 2 months! That?s quite brave of you, considering you didn?t get the full picture of his relationship with his ex-girlfriend ahead of time. Since you are just now getting to see what she does and how he responds, you?re going to have to figure out the ?trust? factor in your relationship fast.

Dear Janice, The ex and I have gotten pretty close again and talk every couple of days now. Well, we have decided to meet up when she comes back to town. We planned for her to stay with me for 5 days, even though we haven't seen each other in over two years. I planned a bunch of fun things to do; I just don't know what to expect while she's here. We have talked about us a little, and about who we were. She always says that no one has ever affected her like I have, and she has never loved anyone like she loved me. I just want to know how I should handle our time together. Any suggestions? Ed

Well, Ed, I think that the only way you're going to find out what to expect while she's visiting you, is to ask HER. But, more importantly, I'd be interested in knowing the answer to this question: What's different now?

Dear Janice, A few months ago, I started communicating with a man from a different country. For three weeks we exchanged long, intense emails and spoke for hours on the telephone. Suddenly he stopped communicating with no explanation. However, I had plans to visit his country on business and sent him an email asking if he would like to meet. He responded very excitedly; we went out six times during my two week stay. We had a wonderful time -- we have a lot in common and have an incredible chemistry. We agreed to continue communicating, and he would consider traveling to visit me.

Soon after I came back, his emails were less frequent; but when I stopped writing, he called me wanting to know why he didn't hear from me and that he wanted to continue calling and writing. Then after 2 to 3 emails the communication died down again. What do you think is going on with him? Thanks, Theresa

Dear Janice, I am a female divorcee with three sons. I met a divorced man with two sons. My challenge is getting him to be open to personal level discussions. I like him. We share a few attributes, especially spirituality issues. He tells me about his life, we go to the gym together, and I am currently helping him with his studies. He is studying toward an CPA, while I am just about to take comprehensive exams for my Ph.D. I am foreign born, while he was born in the US. My question is: How do I get to his heart? Thanks, Julie

Dear Julie, I'm going to assume that “getting to his heart” means that you want him to open up to you on a more emotionally intimate level. So far, your strategy appears that you are giving, helpful and available to him, in the hopes that he will appreciate you and reciprocate. This is difficult for someone to do if s/he is not able to “read” the needs of another person, and be willing to take the emotional risks to fulfill that person’s needs.

I need to say first off that not everyone is able to open up to their emotions. You say that he is divorced, and so there is a reason for this. Might you know if lack of emotional intimacy was a source of conflict in his marriage? You say that he has children. What have you observed in his interactions with them? Does he seem attuned to their feelings and needs? Looking deeper into this man’s history and observing his current behavior can tell you how you may, or may not, be able to get him to open up to YOU.