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Working with you definitely helped me get to the bottom line of what I want in a relationship, which is consideration, respect & communication. You helped me choose, in a conscious way, a relationship that helps me grow. Thank you!
-- Mona[Click here to read more]
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  Do singles have questions about dating and relationships? They sure do! If you have a question about a relationship quandary, just go to the "Contact Us" page and ask!
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Dear Dr. Janice, I've been seeing this guy for just about 3 months now. He's a wonderful man - has so many qualities that I like. Our schedules are very busy, and we only see each other once a week (if that). It's not enough for me - I feel disconnected. He's so busy and stressed and he's back and forth between two cities and I don't want to add to his stress or push him away. I'm trying to put my needs on hold, but it's getting too much. I guess if I knew how he felt about me then I could deal with the schedule, but he doesn't reassure me, he doesn't tell me that I have any importance in his life. When we're together I feel it, but I need to hear it. I think we could have potential for a long-term relationship, if he's an active partner - but now, I feel alone. How do I begin to communicate this with him? Raquel Dear Raquel, I sense that you understand how difficult it can be to maintain and grow a relationship when you are separated by geography. The man you're dating is making the effort to travel to see you, and you seem to understand the sacrifice he's making to be together, but apparently it's not enough for you. I think this comes down to determining if your relationship needs and requirements can realistically be met by dating someone "geographically undesirable." I've written many posts on this topic in my Get Your Love Right! blog. You say, "I don't want to add to his stress or push him away. I'm trying to put my needs on hold, but it's getting too much." This statement implies that you are sacrificing your needs in order to be with him, but what he gives you isn't enough, because of the distance. What do you imagine would happen if you "push him" to see you more? Would he be actually able to do this? And, what difference would it make to you if he were to reassure you, and tell you that you were important to him? Would that really be okay with you, even if the frequency of his visits stayed the same? The bottom line, as I see it, is that long-distance relationships aren't for everyone.
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Posted by: Janice
on Monday, May 15, 2006
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Dear Janice, I read your article, The Last Word on *Commitment Phobia.* While I think you made so very good points, I can't help but wonder...How do you know if he is commitment phobic or I'm "just not the one"? I have been dating a man for the past year. I knew going into the relationship that he had not REALLY let himself get close to someone for the past 10 years. We knew each other pretty well prior to dating, so I think he worked on things a lot longer than he would have in the past. You describe "commitment phobic" and I thought, "yep, that sounds like him" and you describe looking for "perfectionism" and I thought, "sure, that too"...but I have always believed that when you find...the one...that "right" person you find away to work through and past the issues. Is it possible for someone to be this way for so long that the only way past it is professional help? I believe love is unconditional and as long as I saw that he was trying then, while I could I would too, but in the end it's a fine line between helping someone else and allowing myself to be pulled into an unhealthy situation. What do you think? Katy Before answering this question, I emailed Katy to find out the age of the man she was dating. She wrote back, " He is 34...has told 1 person he loved her...over 10 years ago--minor detail, they were in college and lived in different cities. Another relationship about 6 years ago, which he has described as having tried to convince himself she was the "one" because all his friends were getting married." This is important information to have in order to determine just how long he's been avoiding intimacy. But if you've been dating now for over a year, then you should be getting closer to becoming a committed couple; and if you're not, then you should be working together to identify the obstacles AND THEN figuring out ways to overcome them to keep the relationship moving forward. I know that was a mouthful, but I say it for a reason. . . .
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Posted by: Janice
on Thursday, April 27, 2006
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Dear Janice, There is this guy from work that I had noticed and we got formally introduced by common friends on new year's eve. We instantly hit it off.. we would spend hours on the phone talking and spent time at work too on our breaks. We even went out once for a movie.. I always felt he was interested in being more than friends, but after a month things changed suddenly.. he stopped calling and he got really busy at work and we stopped meeting. This carried on for a month and I finally asked him if there was any problem and he just said that he is going through some personal problems, which i know he is, but these are recent. He did mention that at times he gets detatched from people, be it family or friends and he has this constant fear that he might get to drawn to someone that he can't withdraw later and in the process end up hurting himself. Even though I know he's avoiding me, when I am with him I feel that he is interested -- like he holds my glance a little longer than normal. Is it possible for someone to lose interest in someone so suddenly? I know he is the kind not to lie, but do you think the change in behaviour is because he doesnt want to get into a relationship now? Should I stay away or take the initiative to get things to the way they were before? Please help.. I really like this guy a lot. Both of us are in our 20s. I can understand your confusion! You wrote, "He did mention that at times he gets detatched from people. . . that he has this constant fear. . . that he cant withdraw later and in the process end up hurting himself." Psychological literature indicates that the best way to predict someone's behavior is by listening to what they say. This guy is telling you that he has a "constant fear" which causes him to "detach" himself from people quickly. This is obviously what he did with you, and while he can identify and explain it, he doesn't seem to say that it bothers him or that it's something he wants to change.
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Posted by: Janice
on Sunday, March 19, 2006
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 Dear Janice, I've been dating a guy for about 8 months now. Our cultures and religious beliefs are very different; he's muslim from Egypt, and I'm hispanic, grew up in the US and do not practice any religion. We had a strong attraction from the beginning, and the relationship became serious quickly. After a few months of dating, I discovered things he lied about, although I never confronted him. A couple of months later he told me about them and explained why he had lied. He sets a lot of rules for me, especially regarding communicating with my exes. But he's always calling his exes. One ex in particular, he calls pretty consistently and always at around 6am. He even calls her when I'm at his place, but he's sneaky about it--never taking or making calls in front of me. I can't help but feel like he's hiding something. I've also read emails that he sent to her...where he calls her 'baby', 'sweetness' and other pet names. He says he does that to see what kind of response he gets from her. He tells me he's trying to phase her out, but he doesn't want to be mean about it. She knows he's seeing somebody (me) but still wants to see him when she's in town. I can really see myself with him in the future, but...I don't know if I can trust him. Is this guy bad news?.AnaAna, I strongly advocate that singles determine if the person they're dating has what I call "enduring qualities." These are the attributes and characteristics that are essential for a healthy relationship. You need to find out if he is kind, honest, caring, generous, loyal, trustworthy, and have the interpersonal skills necessary to make and sustain a committed relationship. I say that having these characteristics is mandatory, and we ourselves must have them as well. The guy you're dating sounds far from being honest, trustworthy, and loyal. . .
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Posted by: Janice
on Tuesday, February 21, 2006
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Hi Janice, If I went out with a guy 4 times, but supposedly we went out just as friends (no physical contact) ....and I'm starting to really like this guy...is it ok to ask him which direction this is going? Or is it too early...and would scare him off completely? Thanks, Ilene Ilene, Right now, this guy is most likely thinking of you as a friend, since that was the context within which you went out together. He will continue to think of you as in "the friend zone," unless you say something to potentially direct his attention toward thinking of your relationship differently, i.e., in a romantic context. But your main question seems to be, is it too early to say something? I think that the sooner the better, so he knows that you're interested in him as more than a friend. Will this scare him off completely? you ask. I'm not sure what you're afraid of. Are you afraid that he'll reject you completely, friendship and all, if you suggest changing the focus of your relationship? Well, that's a possibility, and therefore a risk you might not want to take. However, if you continue to go out together as friends, but you are secretly hoping that he'll grow to like you as more than a friend, then you are engaging in what I call stealth dating. I discuss stealth dating in my article, Risk-Dating. The risk of stealth dating is if you don't tell him how you feel and what you want, and he finds out later, then you might lose his trust, and the friendship.
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Posted by: Janice
on Sunday, February 12, 2006
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Hi Janice, I am in my mid-thirties (single, no kids) and recently began dating a man, also single, mid-thirties, no kids, whom I met online. We dated for two weeks before he left to go out of town for three weeks to visit family and friends. Before he left, our chemistry, although slowly building, was definitely strong and we have an unmistakable intellectual and physical attraction (and, no, we haven't slept together). He called me daily, told me on our dates that he was interested in and attracted to me, and talked about things we would do when he returned from his trip. He's now been gone a week and he finally left a phone message yesterday, though only after I had called and left two messages for him over the previous week. I should also say that I was rarely the one initiating our calls before he left; he was the pursuer. I assumed he would want to talk to me while he was gone, so now I'm not sure what to think: if he was interested in me, wouldn't he be calling just to talk? Or should I assume he's very busy and more likely to call again before he returns home? That's two weeks away, and I just don't know if I should bother calling him again. I would love to talk with him, but don't want to be too persistent and come across as needy...please help! Your dating dilemma is full of all of the reasons why singles have to be careful when they date someone they met online. You dated for two weeks before he went away "to visit friends and family." How do you know if this is the truth? Not that I like being an extremist, but I suspect that he's actually going home to his wife and kids after being away "on a business trip" where he met you. Online dating profiles are an unpoliced environment where lies and half-truths abound. . . .
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Posted by: Janice
on Tuesday, January 31, 2006
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Hi Janice, Explain this one -- I went with a man for 4 years. He was never able to make a commitment, but I hung in there. Our families--siblings and kids--blended well. We traveled and made long term plans together, but he would not marry me. He always knew I wanted us to get married, but he was so burnt by his ex that he couldn't even discuss the possibility. Well, I felt that too much time had gone by, and I was still alone on some weekends and holidays. The kids got bigger and I wanted to secure my future, so I told him that I was unhappy with our situation and wanted to discuss what it would take to get married. He said he didn't want to lose me, but that he couldn't see himself married again. So, after much personal soul searching, I told him that I was moving on. He was very hurt and said he couldn't imagine life without me, but he let me go. Three months later a mutual friend told me he had met a woman at a party, had a whirlwind and got engaged. How can he get engaged in 3 months when he couldn't in 4 years?! I'm very hurt and confused. What did I miss? I'm sorry to say this, but you definitely missed a lot. So now the job is to figure out "how come?" I suspect that you got comfortable with the relationship as it was over the years, so you didn't see that by avoiding the question "where is this all going?" you got stuck becoming temporary companions, rather than working a life partnership. I discuss the difference, and this dilemna, in my article "Playmates for a Lifetime." I can also see how he convinced you he was such a "commitment-phobe" that you were trained not to raise the subject of marriage. Otherwise, you would risk "rocking the boat."
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Posted by: Janice
on Friday, December 30, 2005
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 I was going over some of my site's statistics, and noted that this search question brings a lot of visitors here. You can see my original answer by clicking here. There has been a lot of action also on this topic on the Message Board. But since I'm still getting these questions, I thought I would do a lightning round!Dear DoctorLoveCoach, I have been dating this guy for a month. He currently just got out of a long-term relationship and wants to take things slow. I understand that so I agreed. We go out a lot but he barely call me, and I always have to call him. What's going on here? Sadie Dear Sadie, As demonstrated by his behavior, this guy is just not that into you. If he was, he would be calling you and initiating the dates. It might be because he's still grieving and mourning the end of his past relationship, but nonetheless, you are convenient for him, for now. It doesn't mean he's interested in you. Dear Dr. Janice, I met this man on an online dating site. We talked for about a month or so before we decided to meet face to face. We went to dinner and we got along great. We went for a long walk afterwards and got to know each other even better. We had our second date the other night, and that too went over well. I"m confused. I need to know if he really likes me or not. He tells me he does but cuz of past relationships I'm very skeptical. He is a real gentleman. I need to know if he really likes me or not. Peggy
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Posted by: Janice
on Friday, December 09, 2005
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