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Janice encouraged me ask the *difficult* questions to determine if we were on the same page with regard to our life goals & desire for commitment.....Janice continues to help me navigate the ever-increasing number of decisions that must be made about our future.
-- Allison, age 37[Click here to read more]
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  Do singles have questions about dating and relationships? They sure do! If you have a question about a relationship quandary, just go to the "Contact Us" page and ask!
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Hi Janice, I have been with a guy on & off for 12 months. We have been friends for 3 yrs. We are exclusive but only see each other once a week & gradually have begun talking on the phone up to 5 times/week. He classifies us as friends but everyone that sees us says its a relationship. My family & friends like him and he fits in like a glove. I am tired of feeling uptight about when I will see or hear from him next as I am 43 & he is 41, and the sitting by the phone at my age is ridiculous. We aren't kids anymore so I want more which he says he just can't give me as his head isn't in a good place. He has never married and is the youngest of four, is quite the loner, although he does have a steady job. His last relationship lasted 6 yrs & the one before that 4. I need help to help him get his head together. What do you suggest? He has told me that he cares deeply for me & loves me too. Unfortunately, I want more. Anyway, just today I told him that if he can't give me that then he needed to tell me to walk away. He got angry but did snarl out an "ok, julie, you need to walk away I cant do anymore." What do you think? How long should I have been willing to only take the crumbs while life passes me by? I am not asking him for marriage, engagement, or moving in together just more time spent in each others' company. What do you think? Julie Dear Julie, I have always said that the best way to predict someone's behavior is by listening to the words that they say. Your guy-friend told you that "he just can't give me [more] as his head isn't in a good place." Moreover, he tells people that the two of you are "friends," which seems incongruent with what you say is the nature of your relationship -- "exclusive." And if you noticed, his behavior supports his comments -- he doesn't commit to spending more time with you. So what you've done is exactly as you say -- you've settled for crumbs and you're frustrated that he can't give you a whole cake, let alone a small cupcake!
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Posted by: Janice
on Sunday, March 18, 2007
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Hi...i have been divorced for 10 years and have been dating this man for almost 5 years. He is also divorced for 12 years. I am trying to approach this relationship in an open and honest way by disclosing any thoughts or feelings regarding our relationship or how things he does or even how situations affect me. When I express my feelings it most certainly winds up in an arguement where I get told that I am abusive by talking about these things. Aside from his lack of accountability, he is a wonderful man. What am I doing wrong? Thank you, Dee Hi Dee, To start off, it certainly sounds twisted to hear that you are accused of being abusive merely for expressing your feelings or telling someone the effects of their behavior on you! So right there, I'm not so sure that this "wonderful man" that you've been dating for over five years is really all that wonderful. And he has a "lack of accountability?" I assume you mean that he blames everyone else (like you) for his problems, rather than see what he's contributing to his dissatisfaction in the relationship. While I give you props for being open and honest in this relationship (which I assume you had not been in your marriage), it's not going to make a bit of difference with this guy at all. He will continue to argue your feelings until and unless you relent. He's not someone who is likely to change and "learn" to get along. But if you've been accepting his behavior for five years already, then this is the "deal" that you've made, as you can read in Love Is A Big Deal, Part 1, and Part 2.
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Hi Janice! I am in a relationship with a man who is unsure about the future of "us." We dated for a year and a half without ever talking about the future. When I finally brought it up things got rocky. We've been on-again off-again for about two years now and he still is wary of committing to me, although he loves me and thinks I am a wonderful person. He feels that something is missing and can't commit to the relationship because of it. I love him very much and would do anything for him, I want nothing more than to marry him. I know what most people would say, if he still can't commit after 2 years than forget him, but that is the one thing I am not willing to do. He's an amazing person and I think he would make a great husband. We've talked about it to no end and just don't seem to get anywhere. I think he has relationship issues, and he's been seeing a psychologist for at least 6 months now but it hasn't helped him gain any clarity on the situation. He's 41 and I'm 28 and neither of us has ever been married. Here's the real kicker - he's my boss. Is there anything you can suggest that we can do that may help him be able to move forward with the relationship? We can't "take a break" since we work together and see each other every day regardless of what is going on with us outside of work. I can't stress enough how much he means to me, I really am willing to do anything to make the relationship work (except walk away). Any advice you can offer would be greatly appreciated. Marilyn Dear Marilyn, Since you said you were willing "to do anything for him," then I suggest that you find another job. By doing so, the boss-employee relationship is factored out of your relationship equation. Getting another job will give him the message that you take your relationship with him seriously and want to give him space, at least from 9-5, to figure things out. If you were to stay in your job, then he's not really experiencing what life would be like without you.
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Posted by: Janice
on Sunday, January 28, 2007
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 Hi - I am a 35-year old male and recently divorced, although I've been separated for 1-? years. I've been out of the dating game for 6 years but casually dated a few others until I met Kirsty at a speed dating event. We have gone on 5 real dates so far (over the last two months due to travel, other commitments etc.) and I just can't tell how she feels about me or what she wants in a relationship. I know what I want and I like her more and more as I get to know her. On our 4th date I asked her if she is dating anyone else and she said she did not want to answer this and said "we're not there yet." What does this mean? I assume it means that she is not ready to discuss a monogamous relationship yet. That's okay with me and I?m willing to take it slow, but my emotions are saying otherwise. Since it seemed she felt uncomfortable with it, I haven't pursued it further. But I really want to know what she thinks of me and our future. I can see a future with her (I have dated a few others since my separation) and I'm trying to do the right thing to move the relationship along. She has not opened up her emotions to me yet, but I have to her a little. I haven't told her anything like I love her because it's too soon for me to love her, but I have told her (through an email - mistake) that I like her. In fact many of my emails to her seem to be opening up more and more of my soul. We do talk on the phone, text each other and see each other, but we don't talk about our relationship. Her emails and all other conversations to me are very matter-of-fact but every once in awhile she surprises me with a text saying "hi!" or a sentence with a "dear" in it. To me that means she does think about me. I guess we are still feeling each other out, but I'm ready to take the next step with her. I don't know if she feels the same and I don't want to scare her away if I bring up the subject. I guess I should ask her what she wants out of this, but I'm afraid she'll clam up again until "we are there" but I don't know when "we are there" is.
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Posted by: Janice
on Sunday, November 19, 2006
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Dear Dr. Janice, I still have feelings for my ex. The problem is that this is the fourth year. I tried going out to meet other people but it's not working. I thought that time would heal my wounds, but it hasn't. I had to drop friends that we had in common but in a way I still have some contact with him. I try to get over him by partaking in different activities but somehow I still see him. He broke my heart and he didn't care. Now, he's doing things for his girlfriend and he did nothing for me. In a way he was not nice to me. What I'm asking is how can I get over him when I see him from time to time. I'm always hoping that we would get back together but that doesn't happen. When I try to move on, he somehow steps in my life. Like he caught word of me liking a guy, so the next day out the blue he invites me to eat out with him. I accept. But he never came nor did he call me to tell me he wasn't going. My ex is having girlfriend after girlfriend but when I like a new guy, somehow he gets word, makes friends with him and my chances for the new guy are over. I gave him my heart and he was glad that he broke it. He broke my heart and I can't recover. Why is he doing this? He made me feel as if there is no one else out there good enough for me but him. Now I don't feel like relationships have a point because a guy will cheat on me if he doesn't get what he wants. So what is the point of a relationship, if I feel I will always get cheated on? Can you help me solve this problem? It appears as though you are engaging in a "power struggle" with your ex, as you both want to maintain some kind of contact, but for different reasons. Your goal is be civil and friendly since you live in the same city. His only goal of maintaining contact is to make sure that you continue to suffer. This is sadistic and cruel behavior, and your desire to keep in some type of contact only encourages him to continue mistreating you.
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Posted by: Janice
on Friday, September 08, 2006
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Dr. Janice, I have strong feelings for a man that just seems to be playing games with my feelings. He knows I enjoy his company, and that I would like to be in a commited relationship with him, but all he ever says is "we're just friends." Then in the next breath he's saying if I decide to date someone else then a chance for us to be together is over. He also has a tendency to hang the phone up on me whenever I don't say what he wants to hear, and the last time we spoke, I was told that he may or may not call me in a few days after I declined to talk about another male friend with him. This man is 34 years old with a child! I think he may also have a drinking problem. I told him that if that is how he treats a friend, then maybe he shouldn't call me at all, and his answer was "well, I guess it's a wrap." Maybe I'm just one of those women that thinks she can change someone when we know that isn't possible. As I write this, I honestly don't know why I would even want him in my life at all, but I do care about him. We had a sexual relationship a few years ago, and have just reconnected again. He's come over to visit, but usually brings a friend with him, and he never asks me out on a real date. Am I being played for a fool? Tina Dear Tina, It seems like you almost answered your own question, but then you lost your clarity. What's going on in your relationship with this guy is that you really don't have a relationship. And from the way he's talking and treating you, it doesn't look like you can. But I think that, deep down, you already know that. To answer your question though, HE is not "playing you for a fool," because you are acting foolish already. You are holding out hope that he will give you more than what he is giving, which is not enough to meet your needs. Consequently, you feel "foolish" for actually accepting what he gives you -- which are crumbs. Moreover, expecting that he treat you "like a friend" isn't working either. If he could, then he would care about your feelings rather than "play games" with them.
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Posted by: Janice
on Monday, August 21, 2006
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Dear Janice, My girlfriend lost her father 6 weeks ago, and it is just starting to hit her emotionally. She has been avoiding me for the last two weeks, until today when she called me and told me what was going on (with the death of her father affecting her), and how she doesn't have it in her to love me the way I deserved, and so wants to break up. Is there anything I can do to avoid this? This may be cliche, but she is incredibly special... she is the first person I've met that I told my friends I would marry. I don't want to lose her. She is a very mature 22 year old, and I am 34...but we have a lot in common, and always get along great... I really thought we would/could go the distance. We have been seeing each other for about 41/2 months, and were planning our vacations together and so on. I truly believe what she tells me, and am wondering if I can offer her time, or what? I really don't want to lose her, that is how special she is. DSL Dear DSL, Your question struck me in a very deep place, given that I lost my own father almost 4 weeks ago. It's very difficult to lose a parent, and while the grieving and mourning process is different for everyone, much of it is predictable. One thing that I (and my mother as well) had been warned about was NOT to make any big decisions for at least a couple of months. I know for myself that the sadness pervades all aspects of my feeling and thinking. Consequently, I think it ill-advised for your girlfriend to make a big decision now about the future of your relationship. I suggest that you let her know how special she is, and that you believe your relationship has potential for a future. . . .
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Posted by: Janice
on Wednesday, July 05, 2006
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Dear Dr. Janice, Lately it seems like everything I try doesnt work. Communication between me and my boyfriend is terrible. I have been going through a lot of tough times right now and all I ask of him is to be there for me. However, we fight very frequently and he thinks the best option is to just ignore me for a day, its very childish. I try to tell him that relationships don't just last, that you have to work at them and talk about things. Since he is really my first serious relationship he responds with an " how would you know?" I love him very much but I worry if we cant get past this then things will not work. I tell him we need to talk and that when he ignores me it really hurts me. I've tried everything , please help! Gina Dear Gina, Having the ability to communicate with your partner, especially when things are "tough" is an essential part of a healthy and gratifying relationship. Having recently gone through a tough time myself (with the recent death of my father), I am reminded of how lucky I am to have a partner willing to listen, support and console me, even if the situation is a new and unfamiliar one to both of us. That said, you have to decide if his inability to listen to you and talk with you is something he's just new at and struggling to learn, or if he's basically resistant to getting into uncomfortable feelings. If it's the former, then I think you have something to work with, and there are a lot of books out on the market designed to help couples with their communication skills.
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Posted by: Janice
on Sunday, June 25, 2006
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