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I realize that it can be very challening and confusing to attract and find your Mr. or Ms. Right. Yet no matter how much I talk about the importance of communication and mutual consideration in a relationship, I keep getting asked questions about "chemistry."

Last year, I wrote two articles that are on my website:"Chemistry & Consciousness, part 1" and Chemistry & Consciousness, part 2." They explain, in depth, my take on the science of attraction and the psychology of love. I describe how the phenomena of chemistry is actually a paradox-- while you obviously want to have chemistry with your partner, it can also be an obstacle preventing you from adequately evaluating if someone would actually make a good partner for you.

So more than a year later, I'm presenting my answers to two questions that I recently received, which I hope will help explain "Chemistry, Redux."

Q. I read your last newsletter with interest as I felt it spoke to the situation I find myself in. I was able to relate to the two examples of relationships. I'd like to know how you would define "passion and excitement" in a relationship. I feel that my definition is colored by the many romance movies and novels out there that depict the "lightening boom" upon seeing the person you're dating. Can't passion and excitement grow if the person is kind and decent and shares similar life goals? I'd like to hear your opinion on this matter. Nancy

A. A lot has been written over the centuries in an endeavor to define "passion and excitement" in a relationship. I had attempted to do just that in creating the "One Minute Quiz to Evaluate a Potential Soulmate" in the area of determining Chemistry/Physical compatibility. This is where I ask, "Do you feel an attraction, an excitement about this person? Do you fantasize about this person, or can you imagine being with this person in a sexual way?" (Send me an email to get a copy.)

So let's say that you've been following your road map for awhile now. You're out there in the dating scene, meeting members of the opposite sex online and in person, making conscious decisions about who to date, and (hopefully) using the "One Minute Quiz for Evaluating a Potential Soulmate" as a guide.

And then you get to the third or fourth date with someone. That's when you start noticing how some aspects of your dating partner don't fit with the vision you have of your ideal mate. For many singles, confronting this "fork in the road," is a major dating dilemma. That's because taking an unanticipated turn onto an unknown road toward finding a life partner can be confusing and scary. This is the point when I've seen many singles quickly, and even carelessly, reject someone who could have made a suitable partner.

The challenge at this stage of dating is to look long and hard at the actual live person you're dating and determine what aspects of your ideal relationship vision are mandatory, and which are negotiable. Truthfully, I don't suggest that you do this on your own. It takes a coach or a mentor, an objective person whom you trust, to help you determine the pros and cons of the person you?re dating. Without help, you run the risk of listening to that little voice in your head saying, "Hey, break up with this person. S/he doesn't match up! You'll only be settling for less!"

I believe that "settling for less" inaccurately describes the experience of singles having to compromise some of the characteristics they seek in their ideal mate. To best explain the choices one faces when confronting a "fork in the road," here are a couple of examples:

But it looks like this hasn't been enough, because I've been receiving a lot of letters lately asking questions like: "Why can't I meet the kind of women I want to date?" and "What's wrong with me that I end up dating men who don't care about the same things I do?"

These types of questions are indicative of a problem in what is called the "attraction" phase of dating -- making sure that once you are "ready" to date, you will attract the kind of people who can meet your needs and requirements in a relationship. Understanding what it takes to attract the kind of people you want to date will require creating what I call a "dating road map."

What is a "dating road map?" It's exactly that -- a map or a plan for describing, finding and attracting the person you want for a life partner. Having a dating road map helps to guide you and to keep focused on your ultimate destination of attaining the relationship you want. The alternative? Well, you could choose to simply wait for Prince or Princess Charming to drop magically into your life.

Creating your dating road map starts with describing your "ideal mate" using the framework I initially presented in my Money, Honey article.

Adam is 37 years old, single, and a successful financial analyst. Adam has a track record of picking quality people to work with and profitable business ventures to pursue. Hence, he has created a loyal group of colleagues and clients who trust that whatever project Adam invites them to participate in, they will all profit. Celia, a 47 year old medical researcher, was happily married for 20 years before her husband suddenly died. Celia subsequently poured herself into her work and made many significant contributions to science. She has such a good name in her scientific community that she is frequently invited to meetings and conferences to share her discoveries, and to participate in other important research projects.

Both Adam and Celia derive a great deal of gratification and pleasure from their professional pursuits. But neither of them is totally happy in their lives. Despite their professional accomplishments, Adam and Celia share a secret: they each long for a loving companion, a partner with whom to share their successes, and their lives.

Celia's desire to remarry prompted her to join an online dating website. She dedicated herself to creating a profile to attract the kind of men she wanted to meet. Rather than use the personnel photo from her research institution, she invested in professional photos that reflected her passion and her spirit. She also asked people she knew to arrange blind dates, and began to attend events where she could meet other singles sharing her interests.

Adam knew that he'd have to make finding a life partner a priority, and that dating would require his best time management skills. He crafted an effective online dating profile, learning that being specific about what he wanted could also assist various family members and business partners to suggest women for him to date. He was diligent about making email and phone contacts and scheduling in-person dates. If Adam had to travel for business, he tried to schedule dates to meet women that he had screened ahead of time.

Adam and Celia discovered the dating process to be a rocky road.

More importantly however, are you sure to be scheduling time with people who are important to you? Or could potentially be important to you? If you are single and looking to build a relationship with a life partner, then it may require re-prioritizing some of the activities that you're currently "busy" with. Here are two examples of what I mean:

Q. After exchanging a few emails and phone calls with a man I met online, we finally met in person. We get along great and I believe that we have the potential to develop a deeper relationship. The problem is -- he says he wants to date me, but he is always busy with something else. He works out 4 to 5 times a week, is active in continuing education, is involved with his kids, and frequently has late business meetings. It looks like dating is not a priority for him. I know that he likes me, and I like him a lot too, but I don't know what to think. Please help! Arlene

A. If one of your requirements is that the men you date have the same life goal as you -- developing a life partner relationship -- then it is important for you to determine if this man meets this requirement. If a man has made it his priority to find and create a life partner relationship, then he would carve the time out of his schedule to date you. Since he hasn't, then I say (to coin the phrase du jour) -- "he's just not that into you."

Over the past year and a half, I’ve provided you with lots of tools to help you gather necessary information and observe essential behaviors about your dating partners: The information that you obtain from “The One Minute Quiz to Evaluate a Potential Soulmate” is designed to help you determine compatibility (request the Quiz by sending an email to Info@FocusedCoachingServices.com); while "The Top Ten Questions to Ask a Potential Life Partner” gives you the questions you need answers to in order to determine if a dating partner qualifies as a life partner candidate.

Now that you are armed with all of this information and experience, how do you now go about deciding to get engaged?

The best place to start is with an honest evaluation of your “commitment readiness.” While there are lots of resources on this subject out on the market, I prefer to take a different approach. I suggest that you ask yourself some serious questions that take into account the “downside” of living with another person.

Some of the questions that I suggest you ask yourself are: Can I tolerate a different point of view living in the same house with me? Can I be strong for someone else when his/her health might be in jeopardy? Am I willing to share money and expenses with my partner, which will test my trust and require compromise?

These are just a few of the questions that I believe are often ignored by singles who are in a “feel-good now” relationship when they want it to become a “feel-good forever” relationship.

Q. I have been dating a man whom I respect and like in many ways, but a few things about him turn me off and make me uncomfortable. For example, even though he is professional in his 40's, his speech is so loaded with "like, you know, and stuff," so it's sometimes difficult to take him seriously. Also, his taste in clothes can be embarrassing. Is there some non-hurtful way to tell him these things, or should I just see it as part of the package to take or leave as is? Luci

I'm glad that you are able to find qualities about this man that you can respect, Luci, because that is what I would like to direct your attention to. Rather than focus on what's wrong with the guy, I suggest that you continue to look at what's right with him. However, it's important that you understand a few important things about compatibility.

Psychological research indicates that the more two people are similar in significant areas, the more likely they will get along as a couple. In the book, Date. . . or Soul Mate? by psychologist Neil Clark Warren, Ph.D. (see my review of his book), certain key similarities are identified that strongly contribute to marital success. They are: 1) spiritual harmony; 2) desire for verbal intimacy and ability to be intimate; 3) level of energy; 4) level of ambition; 5) expectations about gender roles; 6) interests, and 7) personal habits.

I received a lot of feedback about my last article, "Time: Your Love Currency," which only confirmed my belief that singles need to place a greater value on the time they invest in their developing relationships. I stated in that article: "The only 'currency' that singles have in their search for a life partner is time. While investing time is a necessary component in choosing a partner, time can also be wasted if you invest too much of it with someone who isn't headed in the same direction as you." A good way of demonstrating this concept is with my answers below:

Q. In your article "Time: Your Love Currency," you stated that couples should discuss where the relationship is headed, i.e., marriage, before the fifth date. Five dates seems very soon to be discussing marriage. I think people should have their goals in mind. Maybe I misunderstood your response? Sherry

A. When I talk with singles, whether it's about their online dating profiles, or any of the other decisions they need to make while dating, I inevitably need to know, what kind of relationship does this person want? Does s/he want a "playmate," a "companion" or a "life partner?" The answer to this question then guides us to determine how to best attain the desired result.

What do I mean by these distinctions?

Q. I continually seem to get into relationships that appear great on the surface (good communication, affection, chemistry, healthy love life, fun, mutual love), but suddenly the guy needs space or wants out completely. They still profess their love, affections and passions, but they want out. I am 40 and my significant others tend to be close to my age or a few years older. The relationships have lasted anywhere from 9 months to 3 years. Any ideas? Donna

A. Yes, Donna, I have plenty of ideas, the most important of which is recognizing that this dating dilemma can be avoided before a relationship takes on a life of its own. What I mean is this: rather than feeling like a victim of a man's "need for space," you have the power to decide, long before getting further involved, if the relationship is to head towards an exclusive, committed relationship (i.e., marriage), or not.

What exactly is a "power struggle?" A power struggle occurs when each person believes that his or her opinion is the only right one, and neither is willing to "budge;" i.e., negotiate or compromise. Since one cannot technically have a relationship with his/her own clone, it is inevitable that two people in a relationship will encounter topics and issues on which they will disagree. A relationship's success is determined by how well two separate individuals can reconcile their differences, meet each others' needs, and grow together as a couple.

Q. I am seeing a man who says he loves me, but doesn't ever want to live with me or marry me. He was in a disastrous first marriage and says he only wants to see me four times a week and live separate lives in different homes. I would like to move the relationship forward, but don't know. Can you advise?

A. Your boyfriend has made it clear that he doesn't want to increase his level of commitment in your relationship. I understand that this is very painful for you, since you want to increase your commitment and move forward. So it appears that the two of you are engaged in a power struggle.