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I've been speaking recently with some women about "settling for less." This is a difficult area to coach on because what's acceptable to one person may not be acceptable to another. But it reminded me of a book that I bought about 5 years ago when I first started getting serious about coaching. The book is entitled Be Your Own Dating Service. A Step by Step Guide to Finding and Maintaining Healthy Relationships by Nina Atwood, M.Ed. She gives lots of good dating advice, but what I remembered was her criteria for identifying if you're in a "settling for less" relationship. Here they are (with some editing by yours truly):

I don't know about those of you in other parts of the country, but the weather here in New York has been quite fickle these last few weeks. We get a few warm days in a row ("warm" meaning in the 50's), and that makes us hopeful for an early spring. But then it turns cold again and we reluctantly put our winter clothes back on and persevere.

So I started to think about this whole concept of "perseverance." I can remember a handful of times in my own life when I got a taste of what perseverence really means. One important time was when I was working on my doctoral dissertation. Dissertations are known to be frought with lots of obstacles, and mine certainly was. But I learned that a lot of consistent hard work lead to getting it done. I believe that my most important lesson from this experience was learning how to be proactive and do all that's necessary to accomplish an important goal.

The other day I went to a hospital blood donor center and donated blood for someone I don’t know. I had heard that a woman with the same blood type as me was going to have surgery in a couple of weeks, and that the donated blood had to be checked and processed ahead of time. Since I had experience donating blood in the past, I thought that this was something I wanted to, and could, do.

Why am I telling you this? Certainly not to “toot my own horn.” When I realized that I could donate blood this time to an actual person, rather than to the blood bank, it felt much more personable and real. And that’s what I want to emphasize here – it’s an example of a relationship that started out as a concept in the abstract (donating blood to the blood bank will eventually make its way to a patient in need), and turned into a relationship that is actual and real (a woman with a name needs my blood directly).

I started thinking the other day about how “life partner” should be defined. This question was precipitated by a conversation I had with a man who basically described his desired wife as “sweet, very sweet, non-complaining, and I can take care of her.” He admitted that he had a rescuer-Prince-Charming-type complex, and was pretty strict about the criteria his wife-to-be should meet.

Now, for those of you who know me, you understand why I was concerned – this man was still single, and sticking to his prescription has not worked for him so far in finding his mate. And I have doubts if his prescription will ever be filled (barring miracles, of course, which I would NEVER rule out), so I concluded that he was actually looking for a “wifey.” He did not seem to really be in the market for a “life partner.” If you go to www.dictionary.com, where I looked up the word "partner," you'll see that each and every definition, from a variety of well-known dictionaries, includes “spouse” in their definition of ”partner!”

The point of my ignoring Valentine’s Day stems from my interest in helping singles find a LIFE partner. Having a life partner means that you have someone to share your life EVERY day of the year. And having a life partner means that you can grow together, maybe even have a family, and create a life where you can exemplify other values--such as loyalty, kindness, honesty, giving and sharing, in addition to love.

Coincidentally, I finished reading a book about dating and relationships, and then had a session with one of my coaching clients about an issue that was addressed in the book! The book is entitled Date. . . . or Soul Mate? by Neil Clark Warren, Ph.D. One of the issues that he discusses pertains to the degree to which one person attends to neatness and orderliness in his/her life, and that if a couple differs too much in these particular habits, then they are less likely to have a successful relationship.

Well, I ended up having a conversation with a woman who is struggling with this exact same issue in her relationship with the man she’s dating. I don’t think I would have given this concern of hers much credence if I hadn’t read the book; rather, I would have suggested that it wouldn’t be until they were living together when they’ll work out a household system that is satisfactory to both.

Over the last two weeks, I had at least three conversations with people who are dating someone long-distance! Then, I received an email from an on-line organization that accepts and publishes “Top Ten” lists, this one entitled “The Top Ten Ways to Sustain a Long Distance Relationship”" You can get a look at it by pasting this link into your browser: http://www.topten.org/public/BB/BB414.html.

If you read my blog posting of Dec. 12th, 2003, you’ll remember that I’m a big advocate of making the most of dating by phone, especially if you’re dating someone long distance. In order to facilitate getting to know someone, I like to recommend this book: Don't You Dare Get Married Until You Read This!, by Corey Donaldson. It is a book containing 500 questions that couples can ask each other while dating, even though Donaldson started writing the book after he got engaged to his (now) wife and they were living on opposite sides of the world for six months. The questions can be asked and answered either by phone or email.

As a helping professional, it can sometimes be difficult to tell someone “’'m sorry, I can’t help you.” This concept came to my attention recently, on two separate occasions, when I received questions from women who were dating married men. At first, I thought that I would answer them and help them with their dilemnas and lay out their decisions. But then I stopped myself – I realized that I can’t help everyone, and that I am better spending my time and energy helping singles with less complicated relationships.

So, I have to say “I’m sorry, I can’t help you”. Rarely does it turn out that a single person having a relationship with a married person turns into one where there the cheating spouse actually does get a divorce and marries the one they were having the affair with. And truthfully? Who's to say if someone cheated on a spouse in the past, that s/he won’t do it again when with you?

I can bet that anyone who grew up in the United States during the last 40 years saw either or all of the Disney-animated movies “Cinderella,” “Sleeping Beauty” and “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.” And you probably saw each of them more than once (like me). Well, I contend that repeated viewings of these films during a female’s formative years creates “The Prince Charming Myth.” This is actually a set of unrealistic and unattainable relationship myths that single women, and men, carry around as adults that prevent them from consciously dating.

The myth inculcates thinking like this: if a woman is beautiful and kind, then her future handsome and kind husband will appear (actually rescue her), they will instantly fall in love, and they will marry. All without any effort whatsoever!

As you may already know, we had record-breaking cold weather over the past week: it reached 1 degree one morning, and it just so happened that I had family here visiting from Los Angeles. Yes, it was weather worth complaining about, and it reminded me of what singles may encounter when having met online, and then maintaining a long distance relationship. There are lots of benefits, of course, to finally finding your life partner, even though s/he may live in a climate diametrically different than yours. A Floridian becoming a Canadian? That’s a big challenge. But for love, what’s a little layering?