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Working with you definitely helped me get to the bottom line of what I want in a relationship, which is consideration, respect & communication. You helped me choose, in a conscious way, a relationship that helps me grow. Thank you!
-- Mona[Click here to read more]
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Welcome to my mind! This is where I share my thoughts, reactions and experiences as your relationship coach.
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We recently had a group of people over for dinner (singles and marrieds), and the topic of restaurants came up. It's well-known that most restaurants are giving over-sized servings of food these days, and so the question of "what do I do with the food I can't finish?" came up.
Since I usually expect that the entree I order will be too much for me to finish, I usually ask for a "doggie bag" to take home the leftovers so I can enjoy the food again. BTW -- The term "doggie bag" refers to how the food one brought home from restaurants was given to the dog. Restaurants used to have aluminum bags that said "doggie bag" on them. Nowadays however, your leftovers are usually packed into nice tins or eggshell containers. But I digress. A single woman at our dinner table said that restaurant dining with a date is filled with challenges for her -- when served large portions, she doesn't want have to force herself to eat more than she's capable of, nor does she want to ask to pack up the food she can't eat, since that means carrying around the food bag to their next destination. She's also not sure if she should offer to share her food with her date. And to top it all off, the thought of having it thrown away is aversive, as she hates wasting food. The men weighed in with their opinions --
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Posted by: Janice on Friday, November 11, 2005
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At first I tried not to, but I eventually did read many first person accounts from Hurricane Katrina survivors. I usually read and watch hurricane news with the objectivity of a scientist, checking the radar path on various websites, for example. But this one got to me in a sad place. While I don't personally know of anyone who was affected and/or displaced by the
hurricane, my prayers and blessings go out to each them, hoping that they are able to create productive and gratifying lives.
Unfortunately, being that Hurricane Katrina, as well as Hurricane Rita, hit in September, I was reminded of how I felt just after the terrorist attacks of 9/11/01. Most of the people I knew here in New York City felt traumatized by the attack, although I didn't personally know anyone
who had died or lost their jobs. What most of us felt was a renewed sense of life's meaning and a recommitment to making every moment of it better. I remember trying hard not to sweat the small stuff and instead focus on the big picture. Working as a psychologist with other New Yorkers trying to do the same was also very inspiring to me personally. So I was reminded of the importance of working hard to reach meaningful goals yet again. Hopefully it won't take a natural disaster or a crisis to remind you of life's blessings and compel you to put renewed efforts into finding a life partner relationship. But after seeing again how life can change so quickly, maybe it will.
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This month has been full of major transitions for me, and I've been pretty busy. One of my daughters just started high school, and my son became obsessed with Harry Potter, prompting him to read during every spare moment. September is notorious for changes, not just back-to-school and back-to-work from vacation stuff, but also changing summer into fall weather and the accompanying need for new clothes. But interestingly, I have found September to be a time when more people decide to end a relationship. While I don't believe there are any official research studies, my own subjective experience working with singles for many years has led me to conclude that September is a time when more singles decide whether or not their relationship is going to make it to December, and then doing something about it. The singles that I've spoken with recently have all expressed an interest in figuring out how best to move on . . . usually without the person they're currently seeing. So while I will initially suggest that they read my answer to the question "What is the best way to break up with someone?" I think that there are specific do's & don'ts to follow when ending a dating relationship. DO be direct. Be sure to tell your soon-to-be-ex clearly that you don't think you're compatible for a long-term relationship.
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Posted by: Janice on Friday, September 23, 2005
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The online dating websites you choose to post a profile on will say a lot about you and your relationship priorities. Websites are either big, such as Match.com or Yahoo! Personals, so that you can screen many potential dates with varied characteristics and interests; or smaller, where merely by choosing it says a lot about what's important to you in a relationship. For many people, religion is what I call a "quick sort." So choosing a website where you have to be a particular religion helps to sort out those who aren't. There are websites for ivy leaguers, pet lovers, and now, the fitness-conscious. Fitness-Singles.com is an online dating website for singles who "prioritize health and fitness." Chris Mattioli, the president of the organization, wants to "avoid fit & unfit mismatches. . . which inevitably bring about frustration and annoyance for all parties involved." This is an obvious "niche" site that caters to singles who want a partner to share their enjoyment and commitment to an active lifestyle. Using this site will help singles who prioritize being fit as a criteria for finding a life partner, rather than, for example, religion or pet-lovers. I looked at the site and saw that most of the profiles were of men and women in their 20's and 30's. They can choose among 79 different activities such as hiking, biking, running, and even marathoning and Iron-man competitions! So if this aspect of life is important to you, then I say, GO FOR IT!
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I recently saw this on Yahoo! news. I think it might explain a few reasons why men and women have difficulty communicating some times.
LONDON (AFP) - Men who are accused of never listening by women now have an excuse -- women's voices are more difficult for men to listen to than other men's, a report said.
The Daily Mail, quoting findings published in the specialist magazine NeuroImage, said researchers at Sheffield university in northern England discovered startling differences in the way the brain responds to male and female sounds.
Men deciphered female voices using the auditory part of the brain that processes music, while male voices engaged a simpler mechanism, it said.
The Mail quoted researcher Michael Hunter as saying, "The female voice is actually more complex than the male voice, due to differences in the size and shape of the vocal cords and larynx between men and women, and also due to women having greater natural 'melody' in their voices. This causes a more complex range of sound frequencies than in a male voice."
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Posted by: Janice on Wednesday, August 17, 2005
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[To read my critiques of all episodes, go to my "Get Your Love Right!" blog.] As I watched the last installment of ABC-TV's documentary "Hooking Up," I actually started to feel a little sad. I'm going to miss these women! Hopefully, being a New Yorker will have its benefits and I'll be able to meet and interview some of the women on the show about their experiences (hint, hint), so keep posted!I have to say that meeting Shelly, a 37 year old opera singer and performer, was a definite energy boost. She was real and direct, which was a good counter-image to the women we had already met who were just plugging away in their dating lives. Shelly, who has bachelors and masters degrees from Julliard, was also looking for her "Mr. Right," but did so by looking online for "casual encounters" so as to be sure she'd have fun along the way. While this approach may not work for every single woman, it worked for Shelly. I was happy to see that she eventually met Clint, 12 years her junior, who said Shelly was "the right
amount of woman for me." Kristin, the 31 year old yoga instructor, was obviously on a different planet than Mike, the 26 y.o. guy she agreed to go out with on a second date. Unfortunately, the producers chose to focus on Kristin's discomfort with Mike, and juxtaposed this with Mike's continual reassurance that since they had chemistry, their relationship had potential. During their 2nd and 3rd dates, I noticed how Kristin was reacting to Mike, rather than being proactive and asking him questions, as well as sharing her own opinions and feelings about things. She didn't seem to have much skill being on a date and getting to know someone beyond her experience of chemistry. Her decision to cancel their third date, and Mike's "save," was actually because Krising was finally honest about her feelings and needs, which I thought had promise. With the heavy editing, I can only suspect that Kristin has fears about being proactive while dating. She'd be a great candidate for coachng to give her some dating skills, and to increase her confidence while dating, which she seems to have in abundance as a popular yoga teacher.
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Posted by: Janice on Sunday, August 14, 2005
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[To read my critiques of all episodes, go to my "Get Your Love Right!" blog.] I'm going to describe some of the dating behaviors that I saw on the 4th installment of the ABC-TV documentary "Hooking Up" as a way of showing what NOT to do when you're dating and looking for a long-term, committed relationship.Amy is still being featured on the show, having lasted longer than any of the other women that we met since the beginning of the series. Amy is wondering if David, with whom she has lots of chemistry, could commit to becoming monogamous with her. But she also goes out with Matthew, a mature, yet young doctor, who is obviously interested in her as a future partner. She eventually realizes that David is not marriage material, but at the same time decides that she doesn't have the "spark" with Matthew to continue with him either. Dating don't -- Don't conclude that you don't have chemistry with one man while you're still seeing, and even sleeping with, another. See my Q&A on "Can I date more than one person at a time?" for further explanation. Reisha continues to date Acie, demonstrating some do's and don'ts about how to conduct a long-distance relationship (she's in NYC, he's in Atlanta). They do not begin a physical relationship, and I like how Acie said he will take Reisha's lead in that department because he "likes and respects her." She makes him sleep on the couch during one of his visits, and then we see her go to visit him. He wants to be exclusive, but she's balking, and her logic confused me. She gets mad when he takes her to a party but doesn't stick by her side the whole time, but we never hear her tell him how his behavior made her feel and give the relationship a chance to get through this rough patch. They end up breaking up, and we hear her attributing the failure of the relationship to the geographical distance. Dating don't -- Don't hesitate being exclusive with someone who you are dating long-distance. This helps you to give your dating partner your full attention.
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Posted by: Janice on Friday, August 05, 2005
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[To read my critiques of all episodes, go to my "Get Your Love Right!" blog.] I was able to watch the recording of the third episode of the ABC-TV documentary "Hooking Up" today, since I wasn't able to watch it during its original broadcast. This was a tolerable episode, and I thought I'd focus my comments on what was right about it, i.e., what singles can learn from observing the behavior of the women "documented" on the show. The main theme in this show was having the "big" conversation with their dating partners -- basically, "are you ready to be involved in a serious, committed relationship?" I was very proud of Amy, the randy real estate agent, for asking David to date her exclusively, as this was the only way that they'd be able to determine if they could have a future together. He seemed to give it some thought, but eventually admitted that he could not/would not give up the other women he was sleeping with. So Amy went out with Matthew, who seemed to talk the talk about "a relationship being a partnership" to impress her enough to go out again. Maryam finally heard what she should have known from the beginning -- Sam was not in the market for an exclusive, committed relationship. After all, he said so on his profile, which we learned about in episode #2! She called him out on it and they discussed it at nauseum. He basically said he couldn't be monogamous, so she gave him the boot. Woohoo! Kelly brought up the topic of "when do we go off-line?" with Steve, the rich CEO. Translation -- taking down their online dating profiles and discussing becoming exclusive. While it looked like they were getting along just fine, It didn't seem like either were going to go offline any time soon. They each had complaints about the other, and we last see Kelly going out on a bunch of other dates.
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Posted by: Janice on Wednesday, August 03, 2005
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1. You like the actor John Cusack and don't want to miss seeing him in yet another role where he's cute and glib. 2. You like the actress Diane Lane and don't want to miss seeing her act with all of her various facial expressions which, btw, she does very well. She also has numerous costume changes, and she looks good in each one. 3. Veteran actors Christopher Plummer and Stockard Channing are fabulous as "senior" daters, and add depth to the movie and its theme of dating at different stages in life. 4. The plight of adults returning to the dating scene is pretty accurately portrayed. The main characters (Jake and Sarah) are coaxed back into dating by either a best friend or loving family members. Both are afraid of letting go, being their true, honest selves, and/or getting hurt. Each eventually realizes (at different moments in the story, of course) that the alternative is worse. 5. Online dating is presented in an over-dramatized way. The websites they were on had features that only a comedy writer could create -- like voicemail rather than email as a way of initially responding to a profile. The computer interfaces were very over-the-top and fun to see, and there were the ultimate comedic scenarios of what could go wrong when singles lie about their age.
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Posted by: Janice on Tuesday, August 02, 2005
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