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Janice, I just just started talking again to a guy I stopped dating four years ago. The reason we stopped talking is that I lived at home and I was not allowed to date. After that we both went our ways but still kept in touch. Last week we started taking online and he brought up the fact that he still liked me and wanted to know if I felt the same. Apperently he tried to ask me out several times in the past year and I thought he was trying to just hang out and be friends so I dismissed the clues. Anyways, our date last week went great and the one last night did too. He made dinner and we were supposed to watch a movie but instead spend hours just talking about us and past memories together, and cuddling. We kissed a lot. Afterwards he dropped me off at my apt. and came inside and we talked and cuddled and kissed til morning (there was no sex). We talked about future plans and where we saw each other. He plans on going to the armed forces and asked me if we could start dating and if I would go with him. He made sure to add that he wanted to travel and have kids, and always seemed to consider my opinions and said that he would always make sure that he it was a mutual decision. Yes, he made it clear, it was plans between us. But I'm confused why he made all these comments if this was just our second date in years. We are constantly texting and talking to each other and have a group date for friday. Anyways, I'm overwhelmed. I've been cheated on and lied to before and divorced once. I've had the biggest crush on this guy for the longest time. He has so many of the qualities of my ideal man and wants the same things I want. I'm scared that I've met another cheater/deceiver and he is just telling me to fish for answers that I want. How do I keep my feet on the ground ? Please Help!!! -Liz Dear Liz, Reconnecting with a past love or crush can be both pleasurable and challenging. Pleasurable because your dreams and hopes may finally be coming to fruition, but challenging because you want to be realistic. For you, there's the added element of being hurt in the past, so I can understand why you are being extra cautious. Being extra cautious doesn't mean, however, that you become paranoid, which I am afraid you are tending to do. So I'd like to direct you to find ways to manage your fears and stay in reality with this guy so that you can make good choices..
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First off, I want to commend you for keeping the lines of communication open between you and this man. He is revealing his feelings for you and you seem to be responding in kind. However, he is in a difficult situation if he is truly considering joining the armed forces. He has decided to include you in on the decision although he is the only one who can make it. So my suggestion here is to support and encourage him to make the best decision he can make for himself, and then work together to figure out how you two can maintain a relationship. That's because it may not be best for YOU to travel around with him, and that's a decision only YOU can make. Secondly, considering the nature of the issues the two of you are discussingI would suggest that you veer away from seeing him as a potential cheater/deceiver until you have more evidence. For example, does he bring up the future one day and then forget about it the next? If so, then you would have a lot to worry about. But if he's consistent in what he discusses with you, and is consistent in sharing how he feels about you, you have enough evidence to refute the part of your brain that fears he's just another heartbreaker. If you choose to continually think of him in a pessimistic, doubtful way, then I suggest you seek counseling to help you to rebuild your trust in men and your ability to detect reality. I wish you good luck in navigating this relationship and hope the two of you are able to make the best decisions for yourselves, and each other, as possible.
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Posted by: Janice on Tuesday, June 02, 2009 - 05:00 AM
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