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I am really growing in all areas of my life because of your coaching. I'm continuing to utilize the skills I developed during our work & find that I am more confident to entertain new potential relationships. I am indebted to you, Janice. Many blessings!
-- Deborah[Click here to read more]
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Many singles have written to me complaining that the people that they desire as life partners do not necessarily desire them. As you will see from the questions that I’ve selected, the writers are aware of an “imperfection” or “limitation” within themselves and want to find a way to be accepted despite them.
Q. I am a divorced 58 year old man with no children. At some point during the dating process the topic of money comes up and rightly so. However I have found the women I go out with make financial demands beyond my level. Why can’t women see the many other contributions I can make to a relationship rather than judging me solely on my finances? Mike Q. How can I find a male partner a little over 70 who isn't looking for chicks? The other day I saw an ad on the net -- a man over 70 seeking a spouse between 18-30. I have not met many viable candidates although I have so much to offer. All, except youth.Sue Q. At 5’2-1/2”, I am shorter than the average American woman and man. Although I am thin and strive to keep in decent physical condition, it is difficult for me to find women who’ll date me. Even when I go to an event and have an enjoyable conversation for an extended period of time, most will refuse to date me when I ask them out. They say that they are looking for someone who is 5’8” or taller. I am becoming discouraged. How do I cope with the reality of my height? Peter
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A. Unfortunately, many singles will make their lists of personal preferences their only criteria for selecting a life partner. As I’ve said on previous occasions, psychological literature indicates that people usually say what they mean, and that the best way to predict someone’s behavior is by listening to what they say (and, by extension, what they write in their online dating profiles). In light of this reality, I make sure to tell healthy singles to accept people at face value.
Even though you may disagree with the 70 year old man wanting a wife in her 20’s, or the 5’1” woman wanting only to date men 5’8” and over, you have to accept that neither will change. Even if you believe that you might be their perfect match, you have to take them at face value and move on.
But what’s really going on here? Why would anybody want to make themselves desirable to someone who has made it clear that s/he would never accept you? And once that message is sent and received, why do singles continue to look for acceptance from somebody else?
I have to begin my answer by referring to one of my previous articles where I describe how the dating process should focus on uncovering the enduring qualities of your date, while determining which personal preferences are negotiable. (This dating framework can be found in my “Money, Honey. . .” article.) But what I keep hearing, however, is how difficult this is for singles when they are constantly comparing their dates, and themselves, with the media-created stereotype of is deemed desirable and acceptable, and who is not.
So singles will ask, “Why am I so short? Why am I not younger? Why am I not wealthier? THEN, I could be sure to find a wife/husband!” Those asking these questions have unfortunately succumbed to the dictates of today’s society as to what is considered a desirable partner. Since they acknowledge that they don’t fit into this media-created image, they’ve essentially labeled themselves as “disabled.” And since they view themselves as having a disability, they conclude that they are thus “dating challenged.”
What it really comes down to though, is an inability to accept oneself as a complete, whole, unique, divinely-created human being with various strengths and limitations. Life does not come with a guarantee that everyone is going to like you. If that is your expectation, then I’d say that you are creating your own dating challenge.
This lack of self-acceptance will help to explain why, for example, some singles will lie on their online dating profiles: since they don’t accept themselves for who they are, and view themselves as having a dating disability, and refuse to believe that not everyone in the world is going to like them, they compensate by working harder to make themselves fit into what they think is acceptable and desirable. So they shave off a few (or many) pounds, or add a few inches of height, or embellish their occupational status.
All of this reminds me of a famous Groucho Marx quote: “I don’t care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.” If you are aware that someone doesn’t like you or want you, you shouldn’t blame them for it. The onus is on you to still like yourself for who you are, regardless.
What I’m talking about can be very challenging for singles looking for a life partner relationship. Some, like these letter writers, have become so distressed by their perceived disabilities that they’ve become discouraged. But barring miracles (and I do believe in miracles, but don’t count on them), those that are successful in finding and creating gratifying life partner relationships do so because they persist.
I have a saying of my own: “Perseverance does pay off. You just don’t know how long you’ll have to persevere.” I realize that when you are rejected for something that you really can’t help -- e.g., your hairline, your calendar age, your height -- you may feel defective and want to give up. But because I so strongly believe in the power of human persistence, that if you can unambivalently say, "this is important to me," and persevere, then you give yourself more opportunities to succeed.
Coupled with the knowledge that your goal is worth your efforts, the journey starts with having a sense of self-acceptance. Without it, you are otherwise, sadly, “dating challenged.”
Dating isn’t a popularity contest. You just need one person to find you desirable and to accept you. But you have to start by recognizing what, despite your “disabilities,” you have to give in a relationship. Dating shouldn’t be a one-sided investigation of what you can get from someone. It’s about knowing and accepting what you have to offer, and figuring out who might be the best recipient for your gifts, talents, and special qualities.
The alternative -- to be looking for acceptance from someone who doesn’t want you in their “club” -- is only setting yourself up for more discouragement and disappointment. And who needs that?
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Posted by: Janice on Sunday, May 09, 2004 - 03:28 PM
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