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Dear Janice, I met a man over the internet 4 months ago and we have become great friends. We would talk on the phone a few times a week or more, send each other pictures. There was definately an attraction. Recently he came to visit some friends that live nearby as he’s thinking about moving here. I really like him; my problem is his TEETH. When he closes his mouth you can’t tell and he is really very attractive! His Bad Teeth are my only hold up--they are rotten,
brown in between, and it makes his breath stink really bad. I know that he likes me very much and wants to visit again soon. What is the best way to go about this? I can’t let him slip away because of this, everything else was so perfect. This can be fixed, right? Please help! Jean
Dear Jean, The answer to your question about the problem with his teeth is –Yes, bad teeth can, of course, be easily fixed. But this doesn’t answer your question about the problem in your
relationship.
The way that I understand it, this man’s Bad Teeth could be a “deal-breaker.” This means that everything else in the relationship works, but if this issue can’t be resolved, then the relationship can't go any further. So, if you’re looking to increase your committment, then you need to raise the issue.
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Bringing up a difficult topic with your dating partner has its benefits: it gives you the opportunity to see how he responds, and how he is able to communicate with you on a deeper level. It is unlikely that this man is unaware of his less-than-perfect teeth; however, he may not be aware of the effect that his teeth and breath have on others.
This is where you can help–by coming from a caring and concerned place, you can share your feelings to let him know how, despite all of his other wonderful qualities and attributes, it is uncomfortable for you to be around him because of his oral hygiene. The key then is to listen and observe how he responds. If he shares that he is aware of the problem and the effect
that it has on others, but is unable to afford the repair, that gives you an opportunity, as a couple, to discuss some solution ideas. For example, there are dental schools that offer excellent treatment in their student clinics. Alternatively, if he becomes angry and defensive, you have information that tells you how he reacts to difficult or serious topics. At the least, it may be possible that you can continue to know each other as the friends that you say you already are.
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Posted by: Janice on Monday, December 01, 2003 - 02:00 PM
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