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I think the work we did together, the encouragement, the advice and accountability you gave me has been incredible, wise & very valuable. I am going to continue using everything I learned in my future dating endeavors which will hopefully end soon when I get engaged :-) and married....
-- Jessie[Click here to read more]
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Hi, I met a guy online. We talked online since October. He asked me for my phone number and he called me. He wanted to meet me. We live about 100 miles away from each other. I got a job offer in the town he lives in. I was planning on moving there on Feb.1. I am excited about the job and about being in the same town as him. We went on 2 dates in his town- once at a coffee shop and the other dinner. We really hit it off. We talked on the phone all thru the holidays. I thought everything was going well. He stopped responding to my emails and phone calls right after New Years. I know that he went to a New Years Ball. I thought he met someone else there. He finally sent me an email that said that he met someone but wants to be friends with me. I decided to read Janis Spindel's book about dating and realized - I probably should have kissed him on either of the 2 dates and that he may not know that I am really into him. I don't know how to tell him without coming across as pushy now. I know your advice would probably be to move on. But I am 36 and finally found what I thought was the one- I am just very picky. I would love to salvage what we had. He has only known the other girl 2 weeks. Please give me a strategy to try before this relationship unravels. Thanks I appreciate your help. I have good news and bad news to tell you about your "relationship" with this man. The bad news is that he's currently in another relationship and has put you in "the friend zone". . .for now. The good news is that you will be living in the same town, which can provide you with the potential to get together and get a current reading on how he feels. At this time, your "strategy" should be to find a way to let him know that you've moved to his town and that you'd like to re-connect, as friends.I agree with you that you have to avoid coming across as "pushy," so I suggest that you invite him to a house-warming party, where there will be other people. This would demonstrate to him that you respect his decision about not pursuing you in a romantic way. I think this is probably the best way to let him know that you're still interested in having him in your life, yet it would be up to him to decide to attend, or not.
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Analyzing what you did wrong to "lose" him should only be done in order to figure out what you will do differently in the future when it comes to securing a man's interest. My concern is that you actually thought that this man was "the one" after only two dates. But he wasn't "the one" because he didn't feel the same way. Knowing if a man you are dating is indeed "Mr. Right" takes a lot more time and, of course, reciprocity. I.e., he has to feel the same level of interest in you as you feel with him. I'm not sure that kissing him would've made much of a difference, but the real question may be, "What was holding you back?" Being manipulative and calculating is counter-productive in dating, There's no need to be manipulative if two people are feeling good, feeling connected, and having fun and meaningful experiences together. And if it turns out that one of you meets someone else while your relationship is still developing and decides to pursue that person, then your relationship was not meant to go any further. So, go ahead and move on with your life in your new city. Go out and meet new people and throw yourself a party, inviting those you already know (like him) and those you'd like to know -- like friends of co-workers or new neighbors. Have a good time with your life, which will end up making you much more attractive to the next guy. Good luck!
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Posted by: Janice on Thursday, January 22, 2009 - 05:00 AM
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