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Hi Janice, I have been with a guy on & off for 12 months. We have been friends for 3 yrs. We are exclusive but only see each other once a week & gradually have begun talking on the phone up to 5 times/week. He classifies us as friends but everyone that sees us says its a relationship. My family & friends like him and he fits in like a glove. I am tired of feeling uptight about when I will see or hear from him next as I am 43 & he is 41, and the sitting by the phone at my age is ridiculous. We aren't kids anymore so I want more which he says he just can't give me as his head isn't in a good place. He has never married and is the youngest of four, is quite the loner, although he does have a steady job. His last relationship lasted 6 yrs & the one before that 4. I need help to help him get his head together. What do you suggest? He has told me that he cares deeply for me & loves me too. Unfortunately, I want more. Anyway, just today I told him that if he can't give me that then he needed to tell me to walk away. He got angry but did snarl out an "ok, julie, you need to walk away I cant do anymore." What do you think? How long should I have been willing to only take the crumbs while life passes me by? I am not asking him for marriage, engagement, or moving in together just more time spent in each others' company. What do you think? Julie Dear Julie, I have always said that the best way to predict someone's behavior is by listening to the words that they say. Your guy-friend told you that "he just can't give me [more] as his head isn't in a good place." Moreover, he tells people that the two of you are "friends," which seems incongruent with what you say is the nature of your relationship -- "exclusive." And if you noticed, his behavior supports his comments -- he doesn't commit to spending more time with you. So what you've done is exactly as you say -- you've settled for crumbs and you're frustrated that he can't give you a whole cake, let alone a small cupcake!
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I can't tell you how to "help him get his head together." This is up to him. Don't you think that if he had any interest in keeping you in his life, he would have made some effort? The fact that he hasn't should speak loudly to you. Whatever information you can glean from his family upbringing or previous relationships will not tell you the "secret" to getting him to behave any differently than he does now. I also can't tell you how long you should have been willing to take these crumbs before telling him you need to walk away. I can tell you, however, that by walking away, you gave him a very powerful message -- "I deserve better and if you aren't capable of giving it to me, I'm going to find it elsewhere." As you said, "we aren't kids anymore." By sticking around forever, especially if you don't agree the direction you both want your relationship to head, you are just letting it flow in the wind. By staying out of his life now, perhaps you will have motivated him to get professional help to figure out the effects of his behaviors on others, i.e., get his head together. But in the meantime, you have your own life to live, which I suggest you start by moving on a finding someone who is ready, willing and able to be in a committed, exclusive relationship. One must confront fears and take emotional risks in order to create a trusting and intimate relationship with a partner. My free Five Steps to Overcoming *Commitment Phobia* can be helpful and is available by going to the Contact Us page to request one.
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Posted by: Janice on Sunday, March 18, 2007 - 10:03 PM
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