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Dear Dr. Janice, I met this guy on the internet about two years ago. It was love at first sight for us because we had phone conversations that made us love each other's personalities first. After having a serious and committed relationship for about nine months, things went bad when I inquired about how we would make it in the future without too much interference from his family. I guess that made him angry. We then broke up and reunited on two occasions. I keep telling myself that I don't love him anymore because of how strange he acted when I questioned our future. The breakup was VERY hard for me to get through.
I've been dating a guy almost two years younger than me for about eight months now. Our relationship is no where near as powerful and fulfilling as my previous relationship. Sure he's very handsome and kind, but the maturity level isn't there. I often have doubts that I'm getting enough love from him and whether I love him as much as I say I do. I often wish this relationship could be like the old one. Sometimes I even wish I could be with him again, though my current boyfriend knows none of these thoughts. I'm so confused. Have I started a relationship too soon after been "deeply in love" with someone? Should I have constant doubts? Will I ever get over my old boyfriend? LizBeing "in love" with someone often defies reason. While you claim that you were deeply in love with your previous boyfriend, you realized that it wasn't enough to overcome the obstacles you noted in order to build a future together. Paying attention now to what could be the source of the demise of your relationship later often feels like the opposite of being "in love," but it protects us from even worse suffering in the future. I talk more about this phenomenon in my article "Love Is A Big Deal." It's only fair to judge the new man in your life on his own merits. How would you feel if you were constantly being compared to an ex-girlfriend?
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If you were truly over your ex-boyfriend, then you would be looking at your new relationship in a more optimistic light, knowing that you could potentially make a life-long commitment to each other. Even though you say "the breakup was VERY hard" to get through, I agree that you may have started another relationship "too soon" if your approach is actually this pessimistic. While I don't know if you will ever "get over" your old boyfriend, the reality is that you are not together for whatever the reasons. Your challenge now is to be and stay in the present. Your past is over and there to learn from -- no amount of revisionist history can change it. Your future is what you make it. The age difference between you and your current boyfriend may just be one of any number of excuses you could give to avoid living and working in the present. No one is perfect, not even you. Continuing to doubt yourself will prevent you from seeing if your current relationship can work out. I suggest that you look at the pros and cons of this man and determine if there's enough compatibility to build a future on. Wishing that your current relationship is like the old one will only hold up that process. Do your best to live in the present and see where this relationship goes. Let me know what happens. Good luck!
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Posted by: Janice on Sunday, November 20, 2005 - 11:50 PM
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