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I went to a wedding a couple of weeks ago and sat next to a woman who took an interest in my work coaching singles. We eventually got onto the subject of how men and women communicate differently, and it turned out that she is a professor of communication studies. Her name is Rebecca Merkin, Ph.D., an expert in intercultural and organizational communication. When I told her how relationship-oriented singles frequently complain of difficulties communicating with the opposite sex, especially while dating, we discovered common ground. Rebecca (or shall I say, Dr. Merkin) began to share with me some of the communication theories to help explain this ongoing struggle between the sexes. Fascinated, yet unable to fully concentrate because the music was so loud, she agreed to talk with me again to explain how academics view the experience of communicating with the opposite sex. My ultimate motive was to obtain information that could be helpful for singles while dating to find a life partner relationship. A week later, Dr. Merkin and I spoke for a one hour telephone interview. Dr. Merkin began by explaining that one of the reasons why men and women have difficulty communicating with each other is because they were "acculturated" differently. In other words, they grew up in different "cultures." While we don't usually think of gender as a separate "culture," one well-known communication theory contends that even if boys and girls do attend coed schools, they will still play and socialize separately. Consequently, males and females grow up in gender-specific groups, each with their own culture, and ultimately their own styles of communication.
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For example, she explained how males can more easily switch from one speaker to another during a conversation. This may look like they are interrupting each other, or just changing the subject abruptly. However, this is an acceptable style of communication within the male culture. Females don't switch from speaker to speaker, or from topic to topic, as abruptly as males, as their focus is on listening instead. I frequently see this dynamic played out when singles are dating. Women will complain that men talk on and on, and they hesitate to interrupt their date's soliloquies. That's because women are using the listening skills they developed within their culture, where it would be rude
to interrupt another woman while she's speaking. However, when communicating with someone from a different culture (i.e.,men), listening in this way blocks them from speaking up. Dr. Merkin agreed that this is a common manifestation of the conflicting styles of communication between genders. She suggested that women not hesitate to interrupt a man while he's speaking. After all, he's used to it! And research has shown that doing so can actually enhance the dialogue between a man and a woman. Simultaneously, it would behoove a man to listen more and interrupt less while on a date, so that communication, and ultimately intimacy, can be enhanced. <L/p> Another communication difference that I thought relevant
to singles while dating pertained to how males and females gather and utilize information. Dr. Merkin said that males ask questions for the purpose of gathering information, while females will ask questions in order to maintain a conversation and cultivate a relationship. So since information means something different to each culture, their goals,
i.e., what they are trying to accomplish in their conversation, differs. This helps to explain my experience ever since I've been
distributing "The Top Ten Questions to Ask a Potential Life Partner" - single men and women respond differently when they first see the questions (go to the "Contact Us" page to order a copy). Men would look at the list and say, "Great! I could really use all of the information that asking these questions will provide!" Women would look at the list in fear and ask, "How can I ask these questions while I'm on a date? Won't it seem like I'm conducting an interrogation?" These reactions demonstrate what Dr. Merkin described as the differences in the purpose of asking questions within the two cultures (genders). Knowing these differences, and since the "Top Ten Questions" are designed to aid in identifying a potential life partner, I now know how to instruct men and women to utilize them. For men, I'll suggest that they try to integrate asking the questions into pre-existing conversations. This serves two purposes - gathering important information while still maintaining the connection. I'll tell women not to avoid asking questions directly, because men are used to that and will be more responsive. Being direct will not get in the way of cultivating a relationship as much
as they fear it will. Since I consistently emphasize the need to establish a rapport with one's dating partner, I believe these concepts in the area of gender-specific communication can be helpful to better understand the language of the opposite sex and to achieve that goal. For more information on the subject, Dr. Merkin recommends the book, You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation, by Deborah Tannen. I want to thank Dr. Merkin for taking the time out of her busy schedule of teaching and raising her family to talk with me. She is very supportive and encouraging of singles in their dating efforts, and she shares in my hope that the information she provided helps singles get closer to attaining a fulfilling and gratifying relationship.
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