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Determining if your dating partner is ready, willing and able to engage in building a long-term relationship frequently requires more work than what many singles expect. Here is a question I recently received reflecting this dilemma.
Q. How can I tell if my boyfriend is serious about me? There's this guy I've been seeing for more than a year. He says he's too busy and has personal problems, so he can't commit right now. We have a sexual relationship and I know I treat him better than anyone he?s ever been with. So should I wait for him, hoping that he will love me and be committed to me? I don't know what is going on with him, or how he feels about me. What should I do? Carolyn
A. This is a question I often get from singles who are dating someone they care about, yet wonder if the other person shares their interest in having a future together. One man told me that although he and the woman he was dating had been exclusive for over a year, she still hesitated referring to him as her ?boyfriend.? A woman confided that while she knew the man she met online had strong feelings for her, there were long stretches of time when he was not in contact and unavailable. Both were confused about what their dating partner?s behaviors would portend for their relationship?s future. So Carolyn, know that you?re not alone!
These types of situations can actually be avoided if singles were to screen out potential dates who aren't looking for a relationship with a life partner. That means being sure of the kind of relationship you want before you even start dating.
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(I describe this kind of pre-dating preparation in my article ?Your Dating Road Map.?) Once you?re actually dating someone, you?ll need to be on the look-out for cues and clues to make sure that s/he wants what you want.
In my article " Playmates for a Lifetime,? I describe three types singles as reflected by their relationship behaviors: the "playmate," the ?companion? or the ?life partner.? Briefly, a ?playmate? dates for recreational reasons and is in the relationship only for gratification in the present. A ?companion? will want to have someone in their lives on a daily basis (even exclusively) but without guaranteeing the relationship will head towards a future. A ?life partner? is someone who wants to create a relationship with longevity.
In your particular situation Carolyn, you?ve been sleeping with a man for over a year now and you still ?don?t know what is going on with him, or how he feels? about you? Actually, I think you DO know -- because you also acknowledge that ?he's too busy and has personal problems, so he can't commit right now.? What more do you need to know to be convinced that the man you're with is unwilling or unable to guarantee you
a future together?
Only by taking a good hard look at your boyfriend?s behaviors and listening to what he says, will you realize that he?s only interested in you as a companion for the present, and won?t make a commitment to be your life partner, no matter how long you wait.
Finding a committed relationship begins when two people know that this is what each want in their lives. This is why I suggest having a conversation with your dating partner in the early stages of getting to know one another to identify your intentions. Even if you don?t have this talk, you can still watch for telling behaviors and listen for revealing statements to determine if s/he is ?ready? for a commitment. A man who says he?s ?too busy? for a relationship right now, or a woman who won?t invite the man she?s been dating for over a year to spend the holidays with her family, are both communicating that they are not in the market for a long-term, committed relationship.
Buyers beware.
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Posted by: Janice on Wednesday, July 20, 2005 - 03:17 AM
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Comments
Oct 04, 2005 - 11:22 AM
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Re.
Does this Fellow always touch you when he walks bye like on the shoulder or back?
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Janice
Oct 07, 2005 - 01:31 PM
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Re.
If someone always touches you when he walks by, and you don't know him, then I'd be concerned. If he's someone that you know, and you like him, then you can stop and make eye contact and say "hi." If you know him and don't like him, then you can stop and make eye contact and tell him that you feel uncomfortable when he touches you, so would he please stop. It all depends on your feelings, so pay attention to them!
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