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Q. I like the woman I'm dating but don't know if she's right for me. She works hard and prefers our dates to be "out on the town." I work hard and prefer to stay in, watch a movie, have a nice home-cooked meal together. I know that a relationship requires some sacrifice, some give and take, but I find this difficult to do. What should I do?
A. Many singles believe that the goal of dating is to find their ideal mate. This is the furthest thing from the truth! Your ideal mate does not exist as described on paper with all of the characteristics and requirements that make him/her "perfect" for you. S/he is a human being just like you, with strengths and limitations.
Your mother may have told you that you're perfect, and that you shouldn't
have to change in order to get married. This is because she loves you
"as only a mother could." But do you really want your spouse
to love you like your mother does? Of course not! The reality is that
you, like everyone else on this planet, have imperfections. If you hold
out for the "perfect" man or woman, you could be waiting for
a long, long time.
No two people are "perfect" for each other. Creating a healthy,
committed relationship requires a great deal of insight and courage as
the goal of dating is to see whether or not you are compatible. As you
spend more time together, you discover how your strengths compensate for
the other's limitations, and vice versa.
But what makes two people ultimately compatible?
While still quite difficult to quantify, psychological literature has
defined four basic areas that determine compatibility in a relationship:
intellectual, emotional, physical/chemistry, and spiritual. But watch
out! The compatibility that exists in the beginning stages of your relationship
has to be strong enough to withstand the many challenges that two people
confront as they continue on in their lives together.
What I suggest you do are two things. The first is to determine which
of the personal preferences that you've described for your "ideal
mate" would now be "optional" in light of the real, live
woman that you are now dating. This could be an easy decision if you recognize
that she possesses the enduring qualities that are essential for a relationship's
success. [See my previous column "Money, Honey" for more on
these concepts.]
Secondly, I suggest that you two have an honest discussion about your
preferred lifestyles. The solution may be as simple as planning how many
nights to go out and how many nights to stay in. Or, it may become a more
serious discussion of each of your life goals. You will then have to determine
if you have similar life paths, and discuss how, as a couple, you can
empower each other toward these mutual goals.
It may turn out that one of you will have to change in order for the
relationship to continue. But it's important to know that while one cannot
change another person, you can support and inspire her as she attempts
to change herself. Isn't that what you would want if, and when, it's you
who has to change?
Unfortunately, I have seen people spend two or more years dating someone
before they decide "we are not compatible." That's way too long
to evaluate a relationship's potential! That is why a colleague and I
developed the "One Minute Quiz to Evaluate a Potential Soulmate."
This is a tool to help you assess compatibility in the early stage of
a relationship--actually within the first few dates. The "One Minute
Quiz. . ." has you rate your current dating partner in the four areas
of compatibility-- Intellectual, Emotional, Chemistry and Spiritual, and
gives you guidelines on how to proceed (or not) with the relationship.
If you are interested in receiving a free copy of the "One Minute
Quiz to Evaluate a Potential Soulmate," just go to the Contact Us page and send me an email with your request; don't forget to include your real name and email address.
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